Thursday, June 21, 2007

Open Season on Open Flies

Top 20 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

The Boss' Fly

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires."

On Boobs and Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts: In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."


"Yes, one look and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers: "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."



Ed said...

Excellent. And you do know that guys without hands and legs can still hitchhike...but they have to be excited about where they are going!

The Chick said...

Good stuff Mr. Hale.

lime said...

ok, this is a true story when my kids were 12,10, and 8

the youngest said at dinner...i call my lil will freddy.

my oldest said she called her blossoming breasts george and herman.

i said those were interesting names for various parts at which point i was asked what i called my own breasts. i said, 'the twins.'

my oldest said...oh no mom, you gotta call them pride and joy.

the flat as a boy 10 yr old piped boobies need names too!!! at which point my boy and hope

Hale McKay said...

LOL Lime - that was both cute and a riot!