Sunday, December 23, 2007

Cletis Clyde's 12 Days of Christmas

What a difference a day makes! As noted in yesterday's post, I had to run the gauntlet of many other shoppers to gather some booty for Christmas presents! I left the house at 12:30 and was home by 3:30 - mission accomplished. The Ebineezer Grinch persona that had come over me has evaporated.

I received a communiqué from an old friend of this site, Cletus Clyde. It appears that this good old boy from the backwoods of West Virginia is mighty confused about The Twelve Days of Christmas. I'll just sit back now and turn this post over to Clyde.
Much obliged there, Hale. First off, where do folks get off saying they's twelve days of Christmas anyhow? I got me one them fancy calendars with pitchers by some "Courier with Hives" right-cheer in front of me. They's only ONE day in them there little boxes that says Christmas. But I ain't gonna dwell on that coz it's probly jest some ignorant Yankee what can't count none too good.
Anyways, I decided I wuz gonna send those twelve gifts to that purty gal over yonder in Hog Holler by the name of Hazel Butts fer Christmas. So far the only way I been able to get in her pants is when they's hangin' on the clothes line in her back yard. Anyways, now that I'm fixin' to go shoppin' fer them items what's bein' sung about in that song, I can't help but wonderin' whose hooch that song writer wuz a-drinkin' from.

Accordian to the very first verse I gotta find a partridge in a pear tree. Now jest a cotton-pickin' minute - what would anyone want with Danny Bonaducci in pear tree?

It took some doin' and lookin' high and low, but I finally found the Two Turtle Gloves. It come in a purty box, so I reckon it must be a lady-like gift.

I'm a little worried about those three french Hens. Well you see, chickens don't have lips. I 'm not too sure I want to be kissin' no chickens jest to find me three that'll slip me the tongue.

Those danged four calling birds won't stay offin' the phone. They's eatin' up my minutes and runnin' up a big bill. Lawd a'mighty only knows where they's been a-callin' to.

Gettin' those five gold rings was easy. Only thing is, I had buy a dozen golden rings from Uncle Fred's Donut and Bait Shop. Golden rings is what he calls his honey-glaze donuts coz them are what he sells the most of, 'ceptin' maybe his night crawlers of course. I done ate seven of them so's I'll be left with jest five. I only had to take one of my shoes off to count that far.

I been keepin' my fingers crossed hopin' that Preacher John don't pay us a visit with those six geese copulatin' out there in the yard. Bust my britches, but I thought fer sure layin' meant that they's gonna be layin' some eggs. I been hankerin' some scrambled eggs too.

What a pain in the ass those seven swans swimming are. I can't rightly get into the bath tub for takin' me a bath. But I guess I can live it though. It ain't that time of the month fer a bath anyway.

I don't reckon any y'all out there knows where I might find me a cow what's got eight udders? I gotta find me somethin' to occupy them eight maids milkin'. They's been a-pokin' and a-pullin' and a-yankin' at me every time I try to sneak off to take a squirt.

I had to drive all the way into town to find those nine ladies dancin'. You know, I been speculatin' that I might keep them. Course, I'm gonna have to put in one them poles for them. Hazel might not be too pleased iffin I was to show up with exotic dancers a-prancin' aound all nekkid and all.

I ain't none too sure either iffin Hazel gonna be keen on me bringin' ten Tracy Lords leapin' all over the place. I can only hope she ain't seen none of them porno-traffic films which that Lords gal used to star in doin' all them carnival knowledge things. I knows, coz I went to see one of her movies a while back. You know fer sure when you're watchin' one of them porno-traffic films coz all the men folk in the movie house got there motors runnin' hard and they ain't nary a one lettin' go of their gear shifts.

I don't think eleven Roddy Pipers is such a good gift neither. That sure is one big man who's been usin' them stereo drugs. He might take a shine to Hazel. I got no chance if he was to challenge me to wrassle fer Hazel's intentions. I think it would be better to get eleven Piper Lauries. Yes sir, that's what I'll get. Anyways she's an old lady now and if there's a challenge, I know I can out-wrassle her!

Tarnation! Them twelve drummers are drivin' me nuts. I was brung up always thinkin' that bugs have six legs. Damn, iffin that Ringo beetle only got two! It keeps singin' some sad song like he's lonely. Iffin he thinks he'll get by with a little help from his friends, I got news fer him. Jest wait 'til he finds out he's gonna be gettin' a lot of hell from the neighbors what bein' kept awake all night with him banging on those drums of his all night.
Well Hale, there you have it. Don't you think if I was to give those gifts to Hazel she jest might see what a generous man I am and give me a chance to get together with her?
Well Cletus, what can I say? You sure know how to please a woman! I'm sure my readers will agree.



Jack K. said...

Hazel doesn't stand a chance. Cletus Clyde is sure to win her heart now. What a romantic.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Jodi said...

Merry Christmas, Hale!