Friday, April 25, 2008

Pennsyltucky Paul

Pennsyltucky Paul read the latest entertainment section of the daily paper with disgust. Spielberg and Ford had announced that they were making a new "Indiana Jones" movie about a quest for a crystal skull.

"Is there no justice in the world? What ever happened to fair play?" he mumbled to himself.

He found no justice at home either. While surfing the Web he found that even Miss Cellania had put up a post about the new Indiana Jones movie!

Hell, he didn't begrudge Spielberg or Ford. But it wouldn't hurt them to give him a little recognition. After all, the character was based on his life. Before Indiana Jones there was Pennsyltucky Paul! He still wore the hat and hanging on the wall by the door was the whip. Like an American Express Card, he never left home without them!

Yeah, he'd sat down with that whippersnapper producer on a number of occasions and told him stories about his many adventures. Spielberg had seemed to be fascinated when he'd told him the tale of the disappearance of a local fast food restaurant's arches. Paul was quite upset when the first Indiana Jones movie came out and revolved instead around a golden ark and not the golden arches he had recovered from a German family.

Growing up he lived in both Pennsylvania and Kentucky. His mother told him he was born in Pennsylvania but with a different father. His father told him he was born in Kentucky but with a different mother. So it was, even though his name was Ignatius, he took on the name Pennsyltucky Paul. At first he was going by Phil, but everyone keep confusing him with that rascally groundhog.

He also told Spielberg about the time when he was working as a janitor in a local church and he found some money while he was sweeping the floor. He lost the job because instead of turning in the money he used it to buy a pack of Mail Pouch tobacky. Sad because he'd lost the job, he referred to the church as as the Temple of the Broom. Wouldn't you know it? They went and changed the story around and somehow came up with a movie about a 'Temple of Doom.'

Well, he thought one day, he could make up titles for Indiana Jones movies too, like those that that Miss Cellania gal used over at her site (see link above).

Indiana Jones and the Golden Fleece - An older Indiana Jones due to thinning blood is always cold at night. He sets out in search for the same fleece that Jason and the Argonauts had sought. The fleece would make a great extra blanket and a throw for when he was sitting in his rocking chair watching reruns of Indiana Jones movies.

Indiana Jones and the Blue Jewels - Indy, suffering from erectile dysfunction and tired of listening to a frustrated female partner seeks a legendary aphrodisiac called Viagra.

Indiana Jones and the White Gems - (Sequel to "the Blue Jewels.") Indy is on trail of lost treasures once again, this time for magical white capsules. It seems that his female partner, no longer frustrated, has developed a mysterious case of debilitating headaches.

Indiana Jones and the Lost Files - Indy discovers a lost computer disc on which is contained the cures for every ailment known to man, including Alzheimer's disease. Unfortunately he cannot remember the password.

Indiana Jones and Solomon's Mines - Following clues written upon an ancient scroll, Indy is on the trail of the legendary mines of King Solomon. He discovers a clan of people said to be ascendants of the Biblical King who can lead him to the exact location of the hidden mines. There is one hitch, they are mutes and cannot speak. Finally, with the aid of his father and Marcel Marceau he realizes he had made an error in translating the scroll. He had not found the hidden mines but had instead discovered King Solomon's Mimes.

Pennsyltucky Paul just shrugged and crammed a wad of Mail Pouch in his mouth. "Someday," he thought, "The world will learn about me and I will finally get my propers."

He had his doubts whether this Blogger's post would help much, but every little bit of exposure helps.



Skunkfeathers said...

Even before Pennsyltucky Paul, there was "Iowa" Jones: but what was meant to be the adventure that would start it all off -- Iowa Jones and the Children of the Corn -- Stephen King rewrote the script, and Iowa Jones didn't survive the opening sequences....oh well ;)

Jack K. said...

The truth will out. Thanks for enlightening, we the unwashed. Guffaw, snerx

Hale McKay said...


Ah yes, Iowa Jones - he coulda been a contendah.

Hale McKay said...


Tis is one of those "Who'da Thunk It?" revealing true stories.

Ed said...

Awesome. I heard he was also in The Big Chill but didn't survive the editors cuts. In fact, he and Keving Costner and all the other famous people that didn't make it in that movie (and are so grateful now) are thinking of doing their own spinn-off movie together.

Hale McKay said...


If you were dropping hints about possible remakes and/or spin offs for me to satire - - it's working! The gears are spinning ...........