Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Who Is This Christmas Carol?

...And What's She Doing on My Lawn?

Hi there, y'all! Santa Cletus here. I'm a droppin' by to spread some good ol' fashun Christmas cheer.

It's a festive time of year. Yup, it's a time fer plannin' parties and get togethers wiff friends and family alike. My buddies and me we wuz a plannin' to do some carousin' down at the new Hooters what jest opened up last week on the outskirts of town.

Hell, we's jest a bunch of good ol' boys what wants to have a good time. That's all. But my wife looks at thangs contrary to the way I do. When I told her 'bout our plans, gosh-a-mighty iffin she didn't hit the ceilin'.

She asked why I wanted to go to that din of equity fer in the firs' place.

Well, I answered her all smug-like and said I cud think of at least two reasons.

Lawd a-mighty! You ain't ever had a headache 'til you done got walloped wiffin a cast iron skillet atop yer noggin! I wuz a seein' so many stars, they wuz a formin' consolations.

Well I uppin and grabbed my jug and went outside to sit on the porch fer a spell. I put a plug of Skoal twixt my cheek and gums and sat there a mindin' my own bizness. I figgered I cudn't get into much more trubble wiffin the ol' lady with that ol' transmission a propped agin the screen door so's she couldn't come out.

Then I heared sum God-awful sound like what a wounded hound dog might make. Then I saw this woman comin' outta the woods and trespassin' on my property. When I got a good look at her I realized she wuz one of them gals what sings in the balcony on Sundays down at the church.

Despite fallin' down a couple of times and by all appearances a looking like she wuz drunker than a cat in a bag of catnip, she gave me a holler. She said she wuz out and 'bout a Christmas caroling. She said she wuz full of the Christmas spirit. One thang was fer sure. She was full of some kind of spirits.

Well, she began a singin' that there 12 Days of Christmas song. Tarnation, iffin all them coons, possums and coyotes out yonder in the woods didn't start joinin' in.

It jest so happens I was able to tape her number. See that there box down there 'neath these words I'm a typin'? All ya gotta do is click on that triangle thingie and like magic you can hear what she wuz a singin'.

Purty soon she jest crawled away into the woods. I s'pect she must a slept it off out yonder somewhere in the woods.

Well, that put me in the mood fer some more Christmas music. So's I went back in the house, cranked up the phonograph and put on my favorite Christmas record. It's all about the angel what sits on top of Christmas trees this time of year.

Iffin ya have the gumption and want to hear the song, jest press that triangle thingie on that next box down yonder.

I have some other Christmas records I like too. Theys some purty good songs. Maybe you've heared tell of them.

I'll Be Stoned For Christmas ¹

I Came Upon a Roadkill Deer ²

Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire ³

Sung to the tunes of:

¹ - I'll be Home For Christmas
² - It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
³ - Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire



Sandee said...

Roadkill deer. Now you're talking. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...


Of course, a redneck like Cletus, would appreciate a carol with that title!