Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Parodies - More Than One "D"

What with Christmas displays in the stores, Christmas ads all over the place and Christmas carols playing on the radio ... You know what that means?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ...

... It's time for some Christmas carol parodies!

Picture if you will, a poor unemployed redneck coming home from the liquor store looking forward to sitting down at the table for some fried chicken and dumplin's.

Picture now this poor soul witnessing his lovely - ample - pleasingly plump - overweight - fat - VERY obese wife placing before him a bowl of salad greens and bean sprouts with no dressing, a stick of celery and a slice of unbuttered toast. Listen to the string of obscenities preceding the query, "What the f**k is this?"

Picture his jaw bouncing from the table as she tells him that she is going on a diet! See his disgust over her use of that four-letter word! See the tears welling up in his eyes as she says, "There'll be no more cooking in fat. We are going to eat healthy food from now on!"

Finally, picture this broken man sitting alone on the porch swing, his trusty hound dog at his feet, as he sips forlornly from a bottle of Jack Daniels. If you listen to the wind you will hear carried in the breeze his mournful lament.


Wide Missus

(Sung to the tune of "White Christmas")


I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
Just like the one I use to knows
When the scales top'd two hunderd
And her thighs thundered
When I heard them rubbing in her hose.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
With every low cal crap I bite
May she make a meal greasy and fried
And may her ass be a yardstick or so wide.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
Like the one who use to cook in lard
Where the drumsticks glistened
And we all listened
To grease poppin' and arteries get hard.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
With every dry salad I eat
May she make pies and red meat
And may her big butt overhang her seat.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
Just like when she was one of my fancies
Where her ample body jiggled
And then we giggled
When I tried to wrassel off her panties.

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

From time to time, between now and Christmas when you stop by at this Blog, you will find a sampling of new and original parodies of your favorite and not so favorite Christmas carols. Also, I'll occasionally tap into my archives and reprint some classics too.

Question: - What do female reindeer do after Christmas?
--Answer: - They go out and blow a few bucks.

1523

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Did You Hug a Veteran Today?

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Unfurled, the flag on my antenna was flapping in the breeze as I drove toward my first stop of the day. With the exception of the Post Office, the schools and municipal buildings I passed along the way, I was disappointed to see the Stars and Stripes conspicuously absent elsewhere.

Most of the cities and towns in the area had already done their part to honor our veterans by holding parades on the previous Sunday, such is the fate of the "lesser" holidays that fall on a week day. At least Veterans Day does get some measure of recognition.

Except for veterans organizations, however, the significance of Veterans Day has been all but lost and forgotten. Do many even remember that the day was once called Armistice Day?
armistice - n. a temporary stopping of warfare by mutual agreement, as a truce preliminary to the signing of a peace treaty
The significance of Veterans Day (Armistice Day), as well as the date (November 11) on which it is celebrated, can be traced back to:
... the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918 when Germany signed the Armistice which ended the hostilities of World War I [sic] "the war to end all wars."
When American servicemen and women began returning home when World War II ended, it wasn't long before there was a movement for Armistice Day to honor "all" veterans, not just those who served in the first world war.

Congress passed a bill to that effect, and on May 26,1954, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed into law an act that decreed Armistice Day as a day to honor all veterans. Congress amended the act on November 11 of the same year to effectively rename the holiday Veterans Day.
Did you know that while grammatically correct, it is considered in bad taste to use an apostrophe in the name of this holiday? The official government stance is that it should appear as it was written into law and it should never appear as "Veteran's Day" or "Veterans' Day."
Alas, there are some other patriotic observances that have been summarily ignored also. To many they are just another day on the calendar. I wonder how many, without Googling, can provide the calendar dates (and for extra credit the year of the event) of all of the following:
(a) VE Day (Victory in Europe)
(b) D-Day
(c) Flag Day
(d) VJ Day (Victory in Japan)
(e) Pearl Harbor Day
Don't feel bad or unpatriotic if you could not answer all of them. As for myself, I had to look up Flag Day, but I did know the rest.
(a) May 8, 1945
(b) June 6, 1944
(c) June 14, 1777
(d) August 14, 1945
(e) December 7, 1941
When I parked on the parking lot of my first stop for the day I could see a couple of blocks away the flag high above the City Hall Building. I removed my cap, placed my right hand over my heart and said,

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all."

I didn't hug a veteran today but I felt good - because I wasn't afraid to recite the Pledge of Allegiance even though it contains that "terrible" word GOD and I knew all the words.

1522

Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm Just Sayin'...

Can you spell as good as an eighth grader? Find out and take the:

Encarta Quiz . I got all ten correct.


TEE SHIRT WITTICISMS


I'm sick of political ads. I approved this message.

Better Living Through Chocolate

Easily Distracted By Shiny Objects


In wine
there is wisdom,
In beer
there is freedom,
In water
there is bacteria.

Ben Franklin


DUCT TAPE Specialist

Careful, You'll End Up In My Novel

I'm polysyllabic in a monosyllabic world.

Natural
Source of
METHANE

Life is too short to worry about
how short life is.

Behind Every Great Man...
is a woman rolling her eyes!

HERE I AM
now what are your other two wishes?

I have no idea what
I'm doing out of bed

1521

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Little Known Thanksgiving Fact

Sunday POODLE DOODLES

Call Waiting


Wild Cat



A large feast with family and friends
wasn't the only thing significant
about the first Thanksgiving!


1520

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Maxine Says ...

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

The Commercial


Over the Rainbow


Maxine Says ...

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


1519

Friday, November 07, 2008

Haunting Photos

Back in July I posted a few photos from my 4-year tour of duty in the U.S. Navy (see In the Navy) and I wrote that I would post more at a later date. I think today, the 7th of November qualifies as a later date.

I did not have an expensive camera; the one I used was a Kodak Instamatic which used 110 cartridges. In order to get rolls of film developed while at sea, the film had to be enclosed in those old yellow mailing envelopes. Mail for Atlantic based sailors was processed through the APO in New York before being forwarded to the sendee addresses. The reverse applied for mail sent to the fleet.

If your ship happened to be at sea, which mine was during most of my enlistment, the mail addressed to the crew would be shipped by a series of ship-to-ship transfers until it reached its destination. It might even be shipped to the next scheduled port-of-call to await that ships arrival. This process could take only a matter of days or several weeks depending upon the ship's current assignment.

I would estimate that I never received about 30% of my processed photos during my tour of duty. There were two rolls of film (48 pictures) taken while in Athens that never made it to me. I have only two photos taken in Greece, which were the first two on a new roll of film. They appear below:

Sometime between the end of March and the beginning of April of 1968 I snapped the photographs at the right and the one below on the left while I was on liberty in Athens, Greece.

The first one is a shot of the Acropolis taken from behind the hill. You can just see parts of the Parthenon and another ruin at the left center of the photo.

You will note the sepia tone to the picture, as well as the next one; I don't know how the pictures came out like that. There were some clouds in the sky, but it was an otherwise bright day. You can see the shadow cast from the marble rubble at the right.

The second photo was shot from atop the Acropolis looking down at the structure. It is of the ruins of an amphitheater called the "Theater of Herod Atticus."

The skyline of Athens can be seen in the background. Beyond the city is the harbor of Piraeus and the Aegean Sea, a part of the distant Mediterranean.

The same curious sepia tint is present on this photograph also. I used "Haunting Photos" as the title of this post for a reason, but not because of these two photos.

It is the next photo (the third of three sepia tinted photos) that is somewhat haunting.

Because of the delay between the time the photo was taken and the time that I received the processed pics in the mail, I can only speculate what date the photo may have actually been taken. I have determined it was taken on or about May 17, 1968.

U.S. Naval Base - Rota, Spain


The photo was taken from the fantail of the Warrington, the ship's U.S. flag prominent in the foreground, left-center. We are tied up at a pier in front of two U.S. nuclear submarines. The subs are tethered to a 'tender ship' for either supplies or repairs.

I had forgotten about this photo and I certainly never realized its possible significance until a few days ago. I had never removed these photos from the plastic sleeves of the photo album, all of which were taken before December, 1971. On the back of the photo I had written something but it was smudged almost beyond legibility. I could make out only "589, 5/16/68."

I decided to go the Naval Vessel Registry to see if I could find the name of the sub matching that hull number. Since it was a nuclear sub, the designation had to be "SSN-589." That was when the "haunting" feeling was first felt.

The sub had been stricken from the Naval Registry on June 30, 1968, the reason cited: Lost by storm or perils of the sea.

SSN-589 was the Skipjack class nuclear attack submarine Scorpion. She was declared 'presumed lost' on June 5, 1968 after she had been reported overdue by Navy personnel from its home port at the U.S. Naval Base in Norfolk, Virginia on May 27, 1968. She was carrying a crew of 99 submariners.

She had been operating in the Atlantic and the Mediterranean during the same time that my ship was on assignment in the same areas. She possibly could have been included in some of the exercises in which the Warrington as well as many other vessels may have been involved.

During those times the movements and locations of the U.S. Navy's fleet of nuclear submarines were heavily classified. Only the highest ranked officers, on a need to know basis only, would have been aware of the submarine's presence. These silent stalkers had the ability to stay submerged for months at a time and were only seen on the surface during rare ports of call.

It was on one of those stopovers that she was tied up next a Sub Tender dockside at the naval base in Rota, Spain. The Warrington had arrived there only the day before. Myself and several other crew members watched as the submarine was berthed.

While I was 'Googling' for information on the Scorpion, I found a passage that stated that she had pulled into Rota on May 16, 1968, to allow two sailors to disembark for emergency reasons. The two sailors were to be sent stateside; one for serious health reasons and the other due to a family emergency.

I also referred to a personal reference; one of three journals of poetry I had written during my time in the military. There were three poems in one of them dated May 15, May 16 and May 17, 1968 respectively and stated our location as "U.S. Naval Base - Rota, Spain."

Based on reports from radio transmissions, it was assumed that she probably sunk and imploded six days later on May 22, 1968, about 400 miles southwest of the Azores.

I do remember that that her wreckage was found years later by oceanographers using the bathysphere Trieste. There has been considerable controversy over the years concerning the sub's fate; whether she experienced systems trouble or that she may have even been sunk by a Russian submarine.

I found a link to a book written about the lost submarine: Scorpion Down. My interest has peaked enough to consider buying or trying to find a copy of it.

For the record, the 4th photograph from that roll of film did not have the sepia tints found on he three previous pics above. It was taken within a couple of days after the one at the sub base.

The photo is one of those "Kodak Moments." It shows a Spanish police officer writing a parking ticket! It may have been taken in either San Fernando, Spain or in Cadiz, Spain. The photo wasn't marked or dated, but the next two poems in my journal had my locations as those two Spanish cities and were dated 5/18 and 5/20.

I cannot say for certain that the photo is in fact that of the Scorpion because there were two other subs tied up on the starboard side of the tender while we were there. However, the outermost sub in the picture is the sub we watched being berthed in May, 1968, and our visit there corresponds to the official Naval records citing the Scorpion's visit at Rota, Spain.

I am haunted not only by the strange occurrences of the sepia tones in the three photographs - But by the fact that we might have been the last people to have seen her before she disappeared.

It is hauntingly possible, assuming some of the crews of the others ships there took pictures, that this photo may be one of only a handful, if not the last, photograph ever taken of SSN-589, the U.S.S. Scorpion.

1518

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Blog No Evil


When Rednecks Talk Polly-Ticks

Our roving Blog reporter, Biff Buff is treking the back roads of Appalachia to find out how the folks of rural American feel about the results of the 2008 Presidential Election. He is currently wandering the hills of West Virginia where the residents say 'they live so back in the sticks that they have to pipe in the sunshine.'
Hello America, Biff Buff here. I'm somewhere in the hills of Roane County about thirty miles from nowhere! I'm sitting in a beer joint with the unusual name of 'Beer Joint.' I'm talking with the owner, bouncer and best customer in this quaint little establishment, Robert Bob Roberts.

Mr. Roberts, that's an odd name. Can I assume you were named after some elder member of your family?
Nah! The name Bob Robert Roberts wuz a'ready taken.
I see. What name do you go by?
Well suh, it's like this. All the folks what knows me jest calls me Bubba.
Okay Bubba it is. Tell me, Bubba, what do think of our new President?
Well shucks! Iffin I'd knowed it was gonna turn out like it did, I woulda throwed this here John Deere cap in the ring!
Oh? You feel you are more qualified for the most powerful office in the world?
Hell, I got more experience than that whipper-snapper what got voted in. Truth of the matter, this good ol' boy'll be 'speckulatin' of course, but I 'speck that feller ain't ever got his hands dirty, 'ceptin' mebbe when crawls in bed wiffin the missus.
Ahem! What skill and experience do you feel you have, especially in leadership and making decisions that will affect our country?
Whoa! Slow down there, son. You done asked me two what-fers 'bout the same danged thing.
I'm sorry!
Lawd a'mighty! Iffin that ain't the first time I ever heared one of y'all Yankees fess up to bein' a sorry lot. Now iffin' I might be 'scused a minute, I gotta go see a man 'bout a dog.
Readers, my conversation with Mr. Roberts should give you a fair idea just how serious West Virginians are when it comes to politics. I'll try to describe the decor of the 'Beer Joint' while he is in the restroom. Across the room ...
Hold on there! Where in the hell did you get the idea that I wuz a goin' to the bathroom? Iffin' I had to go the toilet, then when I 'scused myself I woulda said 'I gotta go take a squirt.'
I guess I must have misinterpreted what you meant.
Misinterperpit? Uh ... What you said. That a fancy Yankee word fer sayin' you wuzn't a-payin' no 'tention? Well, ain't no never mind anyhow.

When I said I wuz gonna go see a man 'bout a dog, I meant jest that, I wuz gonna go see a man 'bout a dog. You see, ol' man Del Parker he's a sittin' out on the back porch a watchin' my ol' hound dog what's tied to a tree back yonder.
Ah readers, while Bubba is outside tending to his dog I'll continue with my description of the Beer Joint's decor which I have determined to be early-primitive-rustic-in-a- state-of-disrepair. I see several ...
Ha-ha-ha! Ye-ha! Y'all gotta see this, Yank. My ol' hound dog is out there a-humpin' away on the bitch from down the road aways.
A stray female in heat?
Yup, it's a stray, but I doubt iffin she's in heat. It's ol' Mrs. Thompson from the next house down the road. My dog is out there a-humpin' on her leg for all he's worth like they's ain't no tomorrow!
Well Bubba, I'm afraid I have to leave now. It'll be dark soon and it's a long walk back to my car. If it's alright, I'll come back early tomorrow to pick up where we left off with the interview about our new President.
Early, eh? I reckon that's good. I'd best set my 'larm clock for noon then. Ya know, I wuz jest mindful of what that dog's a doin' to the leg of that bitch out yonder ... damned iffin that ain't what them polly-tishuns been doin' to us all these years. 'Sept it ain't legs they's been a pokin' at.
Good night, Bubba. Readers, this is Biff Buff signing off until the next in depth interview.
1517

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

America: Yes We Can!

The 19th of November, 1863
- The Gettysburg Address

Seven score and five years ago Abraham Lincoln said ...
"Four score and seven years ago..."


"I have a dream ... children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." -Martin Luther King, Jr. - 8/28/63

It'll probably take a week or two for it to really sink in, for the cloud of dust to settle from the Obama bomb blast.

It'll probably take that long for things to dry out, for the waters to recede after the Obama Tsunami.

Black & White

To many the election process was a matter of black and white. I seriously doubt that those miscreants who voted for either black or white made any real difference in the final outcome, but I didn't expect to be confronted by one in that number.

I certainly didn't expect it at 8:30 this morning while I was hauling the trash to the sidewalk. One of the men working on the truck - he walks behind the truck and tosses the trash into the back into the compacter department - called out to me.

"Hey, whitey! Look who's runnin' the country now! We's the lawn mower and your white asses are grass!" He raised his fist to the sky and laughed loudly. I stood there and watched the truck disappear around the corner.

The man's co-workers, the driver and the other "bag-tosser" were both white. I wonder how they felt about his behavior and inappropriate snipes. I suppose like me they didn't want to get confrontational and certainly didn't want to trade racial slurs.

I'm hoping this was an isolated incident and that there aren't widespread occurrences of that man's attitude elsewhere. Things like this don't end racism, they perpetuate it.

I know he was only elected yesterday, but he will be watched like a speciman on a slide under a microscope. And lurking in the shadows behind him ...

Let's give the man a chance!

1516

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

The Vote Not Taken

The Bleeders Cup

...And here they come around the far bend ... Into the straightaway ...


War of the Words

Not since Orson Wells' radio production of H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds have so many people been so filled with terror ...

Secure Voting Systems

There have been mixed reviews of the new state-of-the-art voting machines.

Foolproof Voting Aids

Coin Flip (Heads or tails) ; Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe ; High Card ;
Ouija Board ; Rock-Paper-Scissors ; Magic Eight Ball


The Vote Not Taken

Two Pols as different as night and day,
And sorry, I didn't like either one,
And be one voter long I did pray
And decided which vote I should play
To be the winner ere the rising sun;

Then chose the other just on a whim,
Who having chosen the better mate
Because she was pretty, sexy and thin
Looking good standing next to him.
But then thought it wasn't too late

To consider the other running man,
It didn't matter of white or black.
Oh, but I think I have a plan,
Whether a Democrat or a Republican -
Maybe older McCain or young Barack.

Using my Ouija Board, what's the call?
Or should I just flip a lucky coin?
Two Pols, what says Magic Eight Ball?
Or eenie-meeny-miney-moe once and for all
I hope it won't be a kick in the groin.

1515

Monday, November 03, 2008

Rockin' Left & Rollin' Right

Pick Your Poison

One Day and a Wake Up Left

I decided that I'm going to cast my vote for the one man who can fix the economy, end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and cut our taxes!

Then I earned that Merlin the Magician is not on the ballot!

Two Really Worthy Candidates!

The long and torturous campaign road that began two years ago will culminate tomorrow when America goes to the polls. Those two years provided a plethora of new words for the English language.

The following is a list of some of these new words to add to your vocabulary:


Acornucopia - the many new voters, fictional, living and deceased recruited to vote

Chicklets - potential female voters

Diarrhedundant - the same old bullshit

D'ohbama - Homer Simpson's cry when he voted for Obama by mistake

Eaubama - Obama's favorite cologne

Exxonerate - to ignore the huge profits of a corporation in spite of the populace struggling to make ends meet

Haymacker - a strong verbal assault against McCain

Hickocrites - rednecks who answer polls in support of one candidate, but vote for another instead

Intrussian - the act of spying on another country from one's front porch

Lenoency - restraint shown by Tonight Show in telling jokes about candidates

Lip-o-suction - French kissing a pig

Macropolis - one the homes McCain couldn't name

Macingosh - exclamatory remark to a stupid McCain statement

Obamaflage - the ability to deny the whereabouts of family members

Palindrome - Words spoken by Sarah Palin, that even when read backward, still make no sense

Polithongs - Sarah Palin's campaigning underwear

Racist - anyone who says anything negative about Barack Obama

Saragraph - a group of words and sentences uttered by Sarah Palin that make no sense

Sarahindipity - saying something that is correct and makes sense by accident and by mistake

Succupulant - one who supports a candidate they lost to in primaries, in hopes of landing a cushy cabinet job

Tomf*ckery - extreme form of tomfoolery

№ 1514

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Cookie Crumbs and Pizza Crusts

Sunday POODLE DOODLES

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles


All Wet



Today we had our traditional family home-made Pizza Party!

My wife made four large pizzas: A Cheese pizza, a Mushroom pizza, An Onion pizza, and my favorite a Cheddar Cheeseburger Pizza.

We gathered at the home of my daughter Gretchen and her husband Scott (and their cat Shamus). We were joined by Scott's parents.

Between the six of us, there wasn't much pizza left. Also there wasn't much room left for the choice of home-made apple or lemon meringue pie.

Full ... Stuffed ... Satiated ... Bloated ...

Tired ... Sleepy ... Going to bed ...

Good night.

№ 1513

Saturday, November 01, 2008

A Half-Aunt is Better Than No Aunt

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

Take Me In To the Baseball Game


Cats Stink!



Riddle me this:
What can be stretched like a rubber band but isn't made of rubber?
-The U.S. Immigration laws!

Zeituni Omyango is a 56-year-old woman living illegally in low-income public housing¹ in South Boston, Massachusetts. The Kenyan refugee was instructed to leave the U.S. by order of an immigration judge four years ago, after her request for asylum was denied.

Her continued refusal to leave the country represents an administrative, non-criminal² violation of United States Immigration laws.

This woman, who also donated $260 to the Obama campaign, just happens to be the same "Auntie Zeituni" mentioned in Barack Obama's memoir, "Dreams From My Father." She is Barack's half-aunt on his father's side of the family.

So what's she doing living in a slum project? How did she qualify for government subsidized low-income housing with a standing deportation order hanging over her head in the first place?

Obama said he knew she was living in the U.S., but he didn't know where she was living and he didn't realize she was living here illegally.

After all of his speeches about family values, isn't it interesting to learn that the possible next President of the United States of America doesn't even practice what he preaches!

He cares about Auntie Zeituni enough to allow us the taxpayers pay for her housing, rather than to dig deep into his own pockets to look after her welfare. Speaking of welfare³, I wonder how much she's receiving monthly in cash and Food Stamps? Those too are courtesy of us who dutifully pay our taxes.

A troubling thought just occurred to me. Do you suppose ACORN signed her up so she can vote?


Does this really have anything to do with the upcoming Presidential election on Tuesday? You bet your sweet ass it does!

A man who shows little respect for our flag by not placing his hand over his heart during the Star Spangled Banner - a man who wears his Muslim heritage like a badge of honor in the face of Islamic terrorism - a man whose wife was not proud to be an American before he began his run for the office - a man who lets the taxpayers support his own blood - is NOT the kind of man that I visualize sitting in the Oval Office bearing the title of Commander-in-Chief!

When it comes to politics I tend to use this Blog to satirize and to parody all Politicos, whether I support them or not, and without tipping my hand as to whom I would cast my vote. I was, and am still not a great fan of Hillary Clinton, (I parodied her here mercilessly) but I now wish it were she and NOT Barack Obama representing the Democratic Party.

I can't honestly say that I am in the least enamored with John McCain, but I think I know what we'll get if he was to win the election. I can't say the same for Obama.

In any event, vote with your heart. I will.
¹   It is against the law to live in public housing if one is not a
    citizen.
²  Why is this a non-criminal violation?
³  Welfare is for citizens only.
№ 1512