Triskadekaphobes

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Woe to those who take this day lightly. Those who scoff at the significance of this apocalyptic day face forces far more powerful than they can possibly imagine. The ill-fated, and there will be many, will be those who fail to heed and indeed are remiss to take precautions.
~ To those uninformed, it is Friday the 13th! For most of us it is just another day, another Friday not unlike any other. To some, however, it is a day of foreboding. There might not be ominous clouds of doom and gloom gathering above, but that fact does not ease the presence of evil and misfortune that await them.
~ Those who dare to venture from their homes bear the regalia of protection. With horseshoes and rabbit feet as talismans of good luck, they cannot take enough actions to protect themselves. Whenever possible they have avoided mirrors, lest they are broken to unleash seven years of bad luck. Salt has been tossed over many a shoulder. The sign of the cross has been acted out, cracks in sidewalks are not stepped upon, and wary eyes watch for stray black cats.
~ Triskadekaphobia, a fear of the number 13 or anything to do with thirteen, is considered even more daunting when the calendar plays the dirty trick of of placing the thirteenth of the month on a Friday. I suspect that some of these people are the same ones who dread full moons. They probably also lay low on March 17, the Ides of March. After all if it wasn't kind to Julius Caesar, why should they think they will be spared?
~ My laminated four-leaf clover is in my wallet. My lucky coin is always on my person. Myself, I am not the least bit superstitious! Friday the 13th is just another day and another Friday. Perhaps just to have some fun at the expense of the Triskadekaphobes, I have on occasion walked without hesitation under a ladder. I have made it a point to step on as many cracks in a sidewalk as possible. I patted a black cat that has crossed my path. I refused to pick up a penny on the street or sidewalk should I see one. Once a lady even confronted me after I had passed beneath a ladder. "Don't you know it is bad luck to walk under a ladder?" she asked of me. "Oh, no," I answered with a sly leer, "It has always been very lucky for me." She almost ran away from me as if I were a pariah. "Lady!" I yelled after her. "You are missing the cracks!" I watched her stop a little ways up the street to pick up one the pennies I had ignored. She lost her balance while kneeling and bumped her head on a parking meter pole. "Never pick up a penny," I said to her with a laugh in my throat.
~ You must think it cruel of me to taunt her convictions. Nah, I forgot to tell her that I break a mirror purposely every day for good luck. After she bumped her head, I'm sure she felt very lucky to have found that penny. She probably justified the bump into the meter pole in that it stopped her from falling into the street in front of a car.
~ Today, however, hasn't been very lucky for me. All day long, not once did I see a ladder for me to navigate. I saw no pennies to walk by. Not once did I get back 13 cents change from a purchase. I played the daily number for tonight's lottery, submitting 1313, but alas it wasn't close to hitting. I saw no cats, black or otherwise. I ate lunch at one o'clock, which by the way is the thirteenth hour of the day. Guess what? I have experienced no bad luck, triskadekaphobes!
~
No.140
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Drawl: A Language Barrier

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The Southern drawl can at times sound like a foreign language, especially to those who pass through for the first time, the states below the Mason-Dixon Line. This holds true even from state to state. In some cases, there are different dialects and genuflections within each state.
~ While I have visited many of the states that comprise Old Dixie, I was born in the hills of West Virginia, and as such am better versed with it. Born in rural Roane County before moving to neighboring Kanawha, I was exposed to a life of farming, the backwoods and boondocks, the hills and small towns. None of these were ever very far from one of the others.
~ While listening to a radio in one ear and a baseball game on the television with the other, I heard a song that reminded me of my youth. It was an oldie, a parody of another oldie, Almost Persuaded by Sheb Wooley using the name Ben Colder. In the song he is introducing himself to a woman saying, "Ben Colder here." The woman replied, "It ain't been any colder here than any place else."
~ While on that thought, I actually knew a man by that name when I was a youngster, or a whipper-snapper as one of my uncles called me. That memory had me drifting back in time to a place called Doctor's Creek, about five miles from Clendenin one way on U.S. 119, and Amma ten miles the other way. They say a trip of a thousand miles begins with a single step; well, in Appalachia you had to first take a thousand steps to find a mile just to start a trip anywhere.
~ That was back in the mid-fifties when we lived next to old man Ben Colder's place. At that time I was a beanpole of a kid eight years old. In those days children were supposed to be seen and not heard, although parents would check to see why you were so quiet. When the adults were talking, we were expected to be outside playing, children did not listen to adults' conversations. It's certainly not like that these days!
~ Despite their efforts, we did sometimes manage to hear things we shouldn't have. I'm sure some of those things weren't necessarily bad, but some of it was over our heads anyway. I guess it was some of those "snuck and overheard" comments that were the source of our confusion for a long time. Now, it is that confusion that was the language barrier.
~ I cannot remember or even try to count how many times those conversations had to do with the very same woman. It seemed that everyone but us kids knew her. Ida Claire must have been quite the lady that everyone seemed to know her. Try as we might, we couldn't find out who she was or where she lived.
~ Ida wasn't the only enigmatic person whose name we heard mentioned in those, our informative years. We may have been young, but we were clever enough to see the humor in some people's names. Maybe clever isn't the right word, perhaps it was because of our innocence, or a cruel sense of naivete, that we thought they were funny names.
~ A few years later we would find out that sometimes the joke was on us. It turned out that some of the names were not names of people after all. They weren't even names! Ironically, there were some funny word combinations that we joked about that in fact were names of people. Looking back, I can only wonder what their parents could have possibly been thinking when they had those name put on the birth certificates of their children.
~ What of Ida Claire, you might ask? There was no Ida with a last name Claire. It turns out that all along they were saying, "I declare." Unless we actually knew the other people, we never knew for sure if some were real names. It turns out that there really was a man by the name of Harry Bottoms! There was in town a Herb Butts who sold used cars. There were also a Sue Mack, a Mary Gold, and Rick O'Shea. Of course you didn't have to be a kid to laugh at a name like Harry Bottoms. To an adult, finding humor in Herb Butts' name was a stretch, but it was no less comical to us kids. Living in rural reas, we didn't need formal education to be familiar with sumac or marigolds. Anyone who has ever watched a Western on TV or at the movies, was privy to the ricochet of a bullet.
~ Sometimes there would be names mentioned by my parents of people who didn't live in our town, and when we heard these we couldn't be sure if they were real or not. They sounded like real people. It was on one Saturday night while my mother was watching Lawrence whelk, that I learned Jerry Atrick was not a person. I din't know what "geriatric" meant at the time, but it had something to do with regularity and stools.
~ After a while, a little older, I started figuring out which ones were real people and which ones weren't. Of course I kept this knowledge from my younger siblings, thinking it gave me some kind of an advantage . By then I knew that Jerry Mander was not a real person, as were both Abby Normal and Betty Dont. My dad wasn't always saying "my car," sometimes he was referring to Mike Carr, who ran the funeral home. I knew that donkeys were animals, but there was a policeman named Don Kheas.
~ Since my dad was a mechanic, he often mentioned names that could have been either a person or a make of a car. I often wondered if he might be talking about one of the Baker boys, not Jeff Robert but his brother Stuart David. Yes, this lad went by Stu D. Baker! My dad once owned a Studebaker Hawk.
~ In later years I occasionally came across people with curious names, names I would have laughed at when I was a kid. Being older and showing some discretion, I learned to keep my amusement to myself. I went to college with a daughter of the owner of the Leer Jet Company. I didn't know Shanda personally, but her name always tended to "shed some light." Lastly, I feel compelled not to omit a security guard for a bank in downtown Boston. I had seen his name on his shirt, but it wasn't until one of the tellers called "Harry" to the counter for something. I couldn't help but smile sheepishly every time I was in that bank after that day. Just what were Mr. and Mrs. Balls thinking when they named their son Harry?
~ There might not be a drawl to the Boston accent, but to say the least there can be to the uninformed, a language barrier.
~
No.139

Queen Bees

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In our school days they were probably most prominent in the halls, the auditorium and on the playground. You didn't need to see them, all you had to do was to look for their drones swarming before and around her. I'm sure that nearly all of us have seen and known of them.
~ The Queen Bees always had the most friends, the best hand-picked friends she could find. She seldom carried her own books. In the cafeteria, she always had a willing drone retrieve her lunches. She always had the best seat and would be surrounded by her faithful minions. In later years, she was most likely a cheer leader or a majorette. This station, of course gave her the pick of the school's sports stars. She was probably voted most popular. She is typically the Prom Queen. With the quarterback of the football team they would be voted cutest couple. At your school, who won the lead role in the school play? As was the case at my school, it was the Queen Bee herself.
~ Who were the Queen Bees? Where do they come from? Just what is the origin of the species? Craig Hart, a professor of marriage, family, and human development at Brigham Young University, co-authored a study on the subject of Queen Bees. His findings suggest they are not made, but for the most part born into this role.
~ Little girls, as young as four years old, have displayed Queen Bee traits. To maintain their status, they tend to use fear and control to manage social cliques and their "hives." These girls are equally liked and disliked in their peer groups. They regularly include and exclude others in their fold, and threaten to withdraw friendship when they don't get their way. These pre-school Queen Bees are well liked and socially skilled, but also tend to be more arrogant and aggressive. They won't allow certain classmates into their play groups. This denial usually occurs when she perceives another as an equal or a threat to her throne. They then demand that those in her group not to play with that child. They themselves threaten to not play if their needs or demands are not satisfied. If for some reason one child angers her, for what ever reason, she simply refuses to talk to the child. They learn to become masters of gossip and revealing secrets when it is to their advantage.
~ What of her followers? Who were they, and how did they achieve their position? First of all, membership was not achieved. They were methodically hand-picked. Once admitted into that elite inner circle, there was no guarantee of permanence. A simple act of speaking to any child not deemed acceptable by the Queen Bee, could result in ouster from the club.
~ Professor Hart and his co-author, Robertson, plan to continue their research by following the lives of certain Queen Bees through their school years and beyond. They want to see how they evolve in elementary, junior and high schools. They are interested how they will fare in college. What about the day the enter the years of adulthood? What happens if they were to arrive on the scene where another Queen Bee is already established? Are the adult versions of Queen Bees at the work place and social gatherings former Queen Bees?
~ All I know is that after school I haven't much contact with adult Queen Bees. Maybe they grew up and out of that desire to control. But I swear, they sound an awful lot alike girl friends and wives! Perhaps, that is why there is so much friction when a man tries to be the King of his household! Did I marry a Queen Bee? God save the Queen!
~
No.138
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A Placebo Of My Own

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The ravages of the recent rain storms and the cold temperatures must have finally caught up to me. It started yesterday afternoon with a case of the chills. Although the room was a comfortable 70 degrees, I was quite literally freezing! Despite a sweater and coat, I could not get warm until a portable heater was placed in front of me and turned up to the highest setting.
~ My daughter and my future son-in-law had planned a cookout for Mothers Day. It was a welcome alternative to the previous years' celebrations. There were no reservations shackling us to a specific time. There were no traffic and parking headaches. There were no hostesses shepherding us to our table. There no were waitresses serving us and subtly rushing us, so that our table could be cleared for the next group of dining customers.
~ Actually, everything went quite well, except for one party-crashing mosquito with wing-tanks. (But that is another story; see the previous post, nbr. 136.) It was soon after we had eaten, that the chills came upon me. My wife drove home, as I was sure I shouldn't be driving.
~ That was yesterday. On a regimen of cold and flu remedies since the night before, I stayed home today. Having called in sick, I have been drinking fluids and resting. Recliner in full tilt and remote in hand, I have been trying to watch nothing on television. Nothing was easy to find as I surfed the gamut of channels. At one point, I landed on "Crossing Jordan," a coincidence as I was crossing boredom.
~ I don't envy anyone who is home on weekdays at all! With any luck, I'll feel better tomorrow. In the meantime, I kept myself amused watching reruns of "McGyver" and "The Sliders" while I wrote the draft for this blog.
~ Hmm, it's 4 o'clock. Time for the next dosage! I came to the decision a long time ago that most over-the-counter drugs are in fact glorified placebos. At great expense these drugs are pimped to us through commercials and advertisements. Each product promotes itself as the end-all cure-all for what ails us.
~ We are all different, and we all have different chemistries. What's good for one, isn't necessarily good for another. I know what works best for me. I have my own concoctions and combinations of those commercial medicines. It's not the first time I have been sick, and it certainly won't be the last.
~ Yes, I take my medicine. I take my own cure-alls, because I have a placebo of my own.
~
No.137
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Mosquito With Wing-Tanks

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It was a cold and damp Mothers Day outside today. There were some residual showers here and there throughout the day. There was no shortage of volunteers to mind the barbecue. It was by no means, the ideal day for a cook out. The burgers, sausages, steak tips, and spare ribs were sizzling on the grill and from above it was drizzling. We had the barbecue set up in he garage. The finished grilled delicacies were then carried inside the house to be consumed in the shelter and warmth.
~ I would have thought it was too cold to worry about critters crashing the party, but there was at least one hearty winged pest trying to make a meal of us. I could almost hear an engine as it zipped by my ear. I swear I could feel a breeze in its passing. Perhaps it was the movement of air caused by a pressure wave on the leading edge of its wings. Its attacks were swift and accurate.
~ There were several casualties with the tell-tale swollen wound on their exposed skin. We knew that this was probably a scout, the squadron nearby but out of sight. We wanted to down it and not allow it to signal the others. It seemed however, that it was in no hurry to bring in backup. It had drawn blood and apparently wanted the kill to itself.
~ On one flyby, I got a good look at its silhouette against the gray sky. Would you believe that darned thing had a set of wing-tanks? It nearly broke the sound barrier as it dove in a kamikaze-like determination. Did I hear what sounded like "Banzai" as it neared its target? The barrier of the citronella torches seemed to have no effect.
~ Just then a projectile, from anti-aircraft installation appeared on a collision course with enemy dive bomber. At the same moment it leveled out, the missile, the mosquito and the side of the garage were in the same place! The alert was called off as we realized our tormentor was shot from the sky. There wasn't much left, save the crimson stain on the side of the garage. That stain was our own blood which the mosquito had drawn in the earlier sieges.
~ There were no further attacks, and none of the hidden squadron was sighted. The food was soon eaten and we settled down to watch the second game of a double header. The wounds will heal, and the memory of this attack will eventually fade. The anti-aircraft projectile was retrieved and the gun was reloaded. It was a state-of-the-art pistol with a spring-loaded "fly-swatter." The weapon had proved to be effective. Then again, maybe it was a lucky shot!
~ I still say that blasted pest had wing-tanks!
~
No.136
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Sigh-Fi

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Science fiction fans have been treated to some very good programs on television over the last two decades, some of them rivaling the fare on the silver screen. Even those, victims of the ratings wars and the schedule makers, have fallen prey to the axe.
~ After the end of the runs of The Outer Limits and The Twilight Zone, good sci-fi, if any, was difficult to find except for a few B-movies on Saturday mornings. The only competition that those low-budget black and whites of the 50's faced was a film with a man in a lizard suit. Time and time again, Godzilla leveled Tokyo on those weekend mornings, challenged only by The Three Stooges reruns. Back then we had to be satisfied with the likes of Plan 9 From Outer Space, Attack of the Saucer Men, The Phantom Planet, etc. But there a few good sci-fi B-movies like The Day The Earth Stood Still, The Incredible Shrinking Man, and When Worlds Collide.
~ Star Trek, the savior of science fiction on TV, arrived in the nick of time. Prime time was ready for the likes of Godzilla, but a "space western" was just what the doctor ordered! Although Spock's Vulcan mind-meld failed to persuade a larger audience, it did plant the seed for the best to come. To date, the best sci-fi series was Star Trek: Generations. While Picard, Riker, Data and Troi patrolled our galaxy, Kirk, Spock and Bones hit the big screen. It was then that probably the best TV franchise ever was born.
~ The TV schedule became a weekly menu for the palate of every science fiction consumer. We ate it up! We were treated over the next several years to a plethora of excellent science fiction. TV served us Battlestar Galactica, Babylon 5, and Quantum Leap to name only a few. In the meantime, Star Trek spun off two more series, Deep Space 9 and Star Trek: Voyager. We were not satiated though, we were ready to devour as much as they could cook up. There were some fair but campy offerings too: Buck Rogers, Lost In Space, The Six Million Dollar Man, and Lucan. There was also a revival of The Outer Limits.
~ The Movies also were feeding our habit. Not great, but a few good ones included The Last Starfighter, War Games, Enemy Mine, Superman, Batman, and The Abyss. With the presence of Ahnold, we saw The Predator, The Running Man, and Total Recall.
~ Meanwhile, two giants were about to change the face of science fiction forever! George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, whether in collaboration or on their own projects, redefined special effects and film making. Star Wars, need I say more? Try these on for size; Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, ET, Jurassic Park, and of course, The Terminator.
~ I am sure that you, as well as myself, will think of some I haven't mentioned like: Time Tunnel and Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea from TV. The movies also had Event Horizon, Mission To Mars, and The Red Planet.
~ The new season of films will feature a remake that only Spielberg could hope to make as good or better than the original, War Of The Worlds. We also are going to see The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, The Fantastic Four, Batman Begins, Mind Hunters and the long awaited Star Wars-Episode III-Revenge Of The Sith.
~ Sci-fi is alive and well at the movies, but what awaits us on our TV sets? For the sci-fi fan are not looking so good, at least for the near future. Star Trek: Enterprise has already stopped production, its last few episodes airing this month. We do have an up-dated version of Battlestar Galactia, but I dare say, it falls short of the original series. We can watch Andromeda, which is faring okay in the ratings for the Sci-Fi channel.
~ An article I read in the entertainment section of the newspaper predicted there is a looming replacement for the Star Trek franchise. I am skeptical of that forecast myself. Serenity is in production for the big screen. It is a film from a failed TV series, Firefly. I must admit that I never saw a single episode of this program. In fact, I don't recall ever even hearing of it. Joss Wheldon, who gave us Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel is the man behind Serenity. I am familiar with, but not a fan of either Buffy or Angel, and if this one bears any resemblance to them, we Sci-fi fans are in for a long famine. Like the original Star Trek, this program is leaping from TV cancellation to the big screen. I don't know if this film will actually create a franchise to replace the popularity of Star Trek, but only time will tell.
~ If any one is listening, I am borrowing MTV's ad line; I want my Sci-Fi! (I am perplexed. That is why it sounds like "Sigh-Fi!")
~
No.135

Mything The Mark

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Today the Pointmeister feels like dispelling some of those myths about entertainment personalities and the product itself. (As always I will qualify those attempts by stating they are of course, my opinion.)
~

Margaret Cho is not funny!

No one cares what Michael Moore says or films!

Well, George Steinbrenner spent 87 grand on a losing horse, I guess he couldn't find a gimpy pitcher!

At least Jay Leno was a better replacement than Joan Rivers!

No one wants to see commercials about Erectile Dysfunction!

The only thing funny about Rosanne Barr is her figure!

Not everbody loves raymond!

Rap is rap. It is not music!

Waterworld was a better movie than Pulp Fiction!

Jerry Seinfeld's acting is as bad as his stand-up comedy!

Julia Roberts is cute, not beautiful!

More people were watching Jeopardy and not the President's State of the Union speech!

Liza Minelli's performance in Cabaret was not better than Diana Ross' Lady Sings the Blues!

Titanic was only a good movie. Remove Leonardo DiCaprio, it is a great movie!

Citizen Kane does not belong in the top 100 films of all time!

If a TV network program had the same ratings as golf or tennis it would get canceled!

Pointmeister does not know as much as he lets on!

~

Please excuse that last line, it was an editorial oversight!

~

No.134

Double Whammy!

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Just who was in charge of the calendar this year anyway? As far as I am concerned, he or she didn't do me any favors. Normally, I would be looking forward to a weekend, two full days without somebody owning my time, forty-eight hours of freedom. That's not to say that weekends are without responsibilities, quite the contrary. It seems that there are always errands and chores that can only be accomplished on weekends.
~ Well, the Calendar Gods made no allowances for those this weekend. Oh, they certainly provided me with plenty to do, of that fact there is no doubt. I suppose I could look at it that in one weekend, they have given me the opportunity to knock off two major "chores" in one fell swoop! A double whammy, if you will!
~ Having said that, how considerate is to drop onto one man's shoulders an anniversary and Mothers Day on the same weekend? Oh, Calendar Gods what hath thou wrought upon this mere mortal? Have I the will and fortitude to survive these 'Labors of Hercules?' Was Hercules charged with such a daunting task?
~ I wonder if that Calendar God was once in the employ of the God of adages and proverbs. If so, that would explain this enigmatic one: "It's not the gift, but the thought that counts." The one who thought up that gem most certainly wasn't married and probably had little or no extended family.
~ The Riddle of the sphinx, the secret of the universe, or the last digit of Pi are child's play when compared to my dilemma. Do I get two cards and two gifts and take her out both days? Do I get her two cards and a gift for each day? Do I get her two cards, one "big" gift, and take her out on one of the days? Or do I dare follow that "it's the thought that counts" strategy?
~ Let's see, I can sit down in front of the computer, and before I go to my web site or to my favorite game room, I can surf for some e-cards! Did you know that some of the greeting card sites are free? Okay, Okay! I can go to a card shop and select some very nice Anniversary and Mothers Day cards. Have you ever looked at the price of those things nowadays?
~ When I hand the cards to her, she'll know that I remembered! Okay, Okay! I'll mail them! Two 37 cent stamps won't break the bank. Hmm, I was just thinking, you don't suppose that Calendar God has some financial motive and is connected in some way to Hallmark?
~ Alright, I have the cards taken care of now. I guess the right thing to do is to go shopping for a gift. Okay, Okay! Two gifts! Okay, Okay! Two gifts and flowers, flowers for both days!
~
~ Cards - $10, Flowers - $50, Gift - $37.50, Dining out - $65, Weekend over and back to work - Priceless!
~
No. 133
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Ububbubi Dububbubi Ubis Dubead

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Maybe those who speak it will hold on to it. Maybe it will be passed on to younger siblings. Perhaps, years from now, it will be passed on to another generation. It seems that for now, this kid-speak will fade into dormancy.
~ If you are confused, it is not surprising. If you have ever heard this "language" you know what it feels like to be confounded. This secret language is called Ubbi Dubbi. Yubou gubet ubit?
~ For the uninformed, Ubbi Dubbi is spoken on the PBS kid's show Zoom. Since the inception of the program in 1972, this gibberish-like kid-speak has been confusing many an adult ever since. It appears, however, that parents in the near future might be spared the mystery of Ubbi Dubbi. One day this week, Zoom will air its last original show, production having ended several weeks ago.
~ Ubbi Dubbi, pronounced with a short "u" as in tub, (think tubby dubby as a rhyme) can render English into an unitelligible alien language. It can be mastered by a six-year-old in about 10 minutes, but parents never quite get the hang of it. That drives them crazy, but for the pre-teen set it has become a secret code.
~ Actually it is quite simple. I find writing it much easier. But trying to speak it with even a meager degree of confidence, I fall short of success. By saying "ub" before every vowel sound you are speaking Ubbi Dubbi. By that reckoning, the title of this blog should now be easy to translate. If not, it is "Ubbi Dubbi is Dead!" The last sentence of the second paragraph becomes "You get it?"
~ Someday, who knows, but a team of linguists and anthropologists might come across strange writings while working on a dig of an ancient civilization. Imagine them trying to decipher a dead forgotten language. "Bubewubare ubof thube cuburse ubof Zuboom." How long would it take them to learn that it says "Beware of the curse of Zoom?" Maybe the scripts from TV shows will survive the eons. Maybe this blog will be recovered. What if this blog just happened to be their "Rosetta Stone?"
~ Douglas Belkin, a syndicated columnist wrote an article titled "Mouthing Off," which appeared in the Globe Magazine in the Sunday Boston Globe of May 1. (His article has a few excerpts appearing in this blog.) Belkin tried to track down the origins of Ubbi Dubbi. One source suggested it came from a planning session during the first or second season of Zoom. James Field, one of the original directors said no to that origin. He feels that it came from one of 10,000 letters a week from kids around the country. Another theory has it being created by Bill Cosby for his cartoon "Fat Albert." Also, it has been suggested that it sprang from a comedy routine of his, wherein he is a patient in a dentist's chair with a jaw full of novacaine.
~ But Henry Becton, President of WGBH, says he knew it as a kid in New Jersey some 20 years before Zoom ever aired. He said his father knew something like it in his childhood. It appears that it has been around in some form or another for the better part of four generations.
~ It appears, like Latin, Ubbi Dubbi will not fade out of existence.
~ In belkin's article, there was this Ubbi Dubbi tongue twister: "Tubo bube grubeat ubis tubo bube mubisubunduberstubood." Did you happen to figure out that it is a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson? "To be great is to be misunderstood."
~ Before closing, let me leave this with you, with the knowledge of the soon-to-be-released "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith:" Mubay thube Fuborce bube wubith yubou!"
~
(Interested in someone whose first language is Ubbi Dubbi? This guy speaks it fluently ( http://bluedillydilly.blogspot.com)

~ No.132
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Panty Raid

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A Middleboro, Ma., town official was caught on video tape practicing a time-honored prank. What college student hasn't heard of or participated in a panty raid? Dennis Eve should have left it on the campus, instead of pilfering his neighbor's Victoria's Secret underwear.
~ Mr. Eve, a member of the town's finance committee and a special needs education teacher has been charged with larceny and destruction of property as a result of the alleged theft. His neighbor, Gina Roy had noticed that on several occasions some of her pricey panties were missing. The apartment building in which the two reside has a common laundry room located in the basement of each building in the complex.
~ Suspecting a pervert might be responsible, she arranged to have a hidden camera set up in the laundry room. She had only to wait until the very next time she had laundry. The man was clearly recognized as he was seen entering the laundry room, opening the lid to the washer she was using and pulling articles of clothing from the machine. The video was shown to the local police, who promptly questioned the man.
~ He said, "The machine's load was out of balance. He was simply adjusting the load." That was his his story and he was sticking to it.
~ The stolen panties obviously rated a larceny charge. Roy, said that the panties were part of a matching set. With the panties missing she was left with incomplete nighties, hence the added charge of destruction of property.
~ Maintaining his innocence, Mr. Eve is on administrative leave from his job at East Junior High School in Brockton. Middleboro finance officials are considering similar action, pending results of the charges later this month.
~ The camera installation was performed by a crew from the TV tabloid show Current Affair. Tonight at 6 PM EST on Fox, they will air the tape so that all of America can judge for themselves if the man was conducting a one-man panty raid or if he is fact on the "level."
~ Gina Roy said she only wants her panties back or the cash equivalent so that she can replace them. In the meantime she isn't sure what she will wear when she goes out.
~ Gina, everyone in America will be wondering what you are wearing. If you are wearing that mini-skirt, every man will be wondering what you are or are not wearing!
~
~No. 131
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Mama Mia!

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With Mothers' Day just around the corner on Sunday, May 8, the magazine Inside TV has released its list of the Top 10 TV Moms. The list contains the usual collection of the old and the new shows. I am convinced that these lists are usually put together to satisfy the current demographics of their preferred viewing audience. That age group is comprised of 14-25 year olds, those most likely to purchase the products appearing in the commercials. This group, with the most disposable income usually accounts for 60-70% of these lists. That leaves only 30-40% for the pre-14 set and the 25+ viewers.
~ Inside TV's Top 10 Moms follows with the name of the actress who portrayed her and the program:

1. Marge Simpson - Julie Kavner (voice over) - The Simsons
2. June Cleaver - Barbara Billingsley - Leave It To Beaver
3. Clair Huxtable - Phylicia Rashad - The Cosby Show
4. Olivia Walton - Michael Learned - The Waltons
5. Lorelei Gilmore - Lauren Graham - The Gilmore Girls
6. Marion Cunningham - Marion Ross - Happy Days
7. Caroline Ingalls - Karen Grassle - Little House On The Prairie
8. Carol Brady - Florence Henderson - The Brady Bunch
9. Elyse Keaton - Meredith Baxter - Family Ties
10. Bree Van de Kamp - Marcia Cross - Desperate Housewives

~ Except for syndicated reruns on TV Land, the under 25 group wouldn't have even been born yet when Leave It To Beaver aired. Many in the viewing audience wouldn't have been around or old enough to have watched The Waltons either. I can only surmise that The Gilmore Girls and especially Desperate Housewives only made the list to satisy the aforementioned demographics.

~ I would be curious to see where some other TV moms not on the list may have ranked. Perhaps coming in on the list numbers 11-20 we would find Edith Bunker (Jean Stapleton) of All In The Family. Wasn't Samantha Stephens (Elizabeth Montgomery) Bewitched a good mom to Tabitha? If they included cartoon moms, what's wrong with Wilma Flintstone and Jane Jetson? I suppose Rosanne didn't get many votes, eh?

~ Prognostication: For Fathers' Day who would be the Top 10 TV dads? Homer Simpson? Ward Cleaver? Cliff Huxtable? John Walton? Well, those were just suggested as candidates because of their significant others above. I would guess that Jim Anderson of Father Knows Best should get some consideration. How about a vote for Al Bundy of Married With Children ? Or Archie Bunker, Edith's hubby? If Wilma Flintstone is to be considered on the distaff list, then Yabba-Dabba-Doo, Fred gets a nod too. The same goes for poor George Jetson still stuck on that treadmill while Astro watches.

~ When the Dad list comes out, what can I title that blog? Papa Pia?

~No. 130

Before WWW, There Was 1-800

To be a player in the competitive world of free enterprise, a company needs to reach out and be recognized. It is not enough to have a product that the public wants, they have to know where to find it. Thusly, a smart company needs to establish a presence with a web site.
~ Nearly every commercial on your television or radio, the ads in magazines, and the mailings addressed to "resident," place as much emphasis on their web pages as their postal information. Chances are, if we are at all interested in their products or services, we will visit their cyber sites.
~ But before the internet, there were the 1-800 phone numbers. The youngest out there, those weaned on a keyboard, might be aware of 1-800 numbers, but will not know of their importance way back when. The private homes and businesses were not wire with fiber optics. There certainly weren't PCs in the private sector.
~ Not having the luxury of almost unlimited characters as found in an internet address, advertisers had only seven spaces to use. Providing their desired numbers were available, the advertisers had to be creative. They had to be original and catchy with the spaces after the 800. They wanted to make sure that we the potential customers, could remember the number. Many added lyrics for us to sing along, hoping if we remembered the lyrics we would know the number.
~ Sometimes the numbers were obvious as to the nature of the business related to the number. Sometimes they were less obvious, and sometimes they were quite cryptic.
~ The number, 1-800-FURNISH was suggestive of a furniture store! If you were interested in a mortgage, 1-800-THEBANK, seemed the right number to call. If you had a tooth ache you could call 1-800-DENTIST. Making weekend plans, 1-800-WEATHER made it helpful to find out if rain was forecast.
~ Calling 1800-FORCAST however, gave no weather information. That number would be answered by the owner of a fishing supply shop. You might have wondered if you were calling an insult line instead of a glue company when you dialed 1-800-STICKIT. If two people were making calls to the same number, one who is looking for beer and the other wanting flowers, who called the right place at 1-800-BUDFORU? Actually both were wrong, as this number connected you with a youth organization looking for adults to be buddies with orphan kids for a day.
~ Also confusing was 1-800-NOSEJOB, especially for those wanting plastic surgery. But if you had allergies or nasal problems, this was the number you wanted. Suppose you wanted advice on how to get ahead at your job, would you be leery before you dialed 1-800-KISSASS? Does 1-800-GETDOWN sound like a number for dance lessons? I suppose if you wanted directions, 1-800-THATWAY sounds like a good one to try. I wonder, is 1-800-DOGGONE for animal control?
~ Other numbers appeared a little dubious at best. Are they what they appear? Or are they just attention getters? You would call 1-800-BOYTOYS if you wanted a male escort. But would a man needing a date feel comfortable dialing 1-800-4LOSERS? Well, if he did he would be disappointed, because that number was a Lost and Found at a department store. What woman, or restaurant for that matter, in need of silverware would call 1-800-FORKYOU?
~ Let us try a couple just for laughs. Dials 1-800-BIGONES ... "Hello, you have reached Naughty at Night, with the largest selection of adult films in town." (Click!) No surprise there, I guess. How about 1-800-SEXTOGO? ... "Hello, welcome to Tickle your Fantasy, purveyors of quality marital aids." (Click!) I don't think I will try this last one, 1-800-GETSGAS. Feel free on your own to find out if it is a gas station or a beanery!
~ 1-800-GOODBYE!
~
No.129
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May Day!

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Son of a gun! I just realized why I was having such a bad day yesterday. It was the first day of May! The dynamics of my weekends are about to change. Those changes are not necessarily good either. Let's see, I have to fix the gate to the back yard. I haven't tuned up the lawn mower yet. I haven't cleaned up all the leaves from last fall yet. I haven't pulled out the barbecue yet either.]
~ If it's true that April showers bring May flowers, then my yard is going to have a bumper crop of dandelions. Of course, I have no idea where the weeding tools might be. Thus far no dandelions have been harmed writing this blog. I did manage to put away all the snow removal gear last weekend, but I tossed them in the garage. I think when I hang them up on the hooks, I will probably find the weeding gear beneath the pile.
~ It poured rain all day long Saturday and it was cold, damp and overcast today well into the afternoon. Well the only thing that didn't happen was the delivery of the mail, because I was out there running those errands that are inevitable the weekend after pay day. It seems that I remember that mailmen had some kind of oath about the mail getting through. In darkest night ... oops ... that's Green Lantern. There was at least one half hour or so that it rained the hardest. One third of that time found me putting air in a tire of my truck. That coin-operated compressor wasn't working at its optimum either. In a word, I was drenched. Yes, it would have been a lovely day if I were a duck!
~ Water dripping from the bill of my cap, I was fated not to be dry for several hours more. My errands included stopping at a mailbox to deposits some bills, a visit to the ATM machine to get some spending cash, and finally a jaunt into the market for some groceries. Naturally, to accomplish all of these errands, I had to leave the shelter of my truck and dash to them. I chose to enter the market through the door that begins your shopping in the freezer section. This day was becoming a cold waiting to happen for sure.
~ Fortunately, I didn't cross paths with the lady and her angry shopping cart. (That's another story, which is detailed in the blog "Got Milk?" Nbr. 125.) It will still raining when I pulled in my driveway. As I was lugging the bags up the front stairs, I saw that the mailman had finally been there. This meant that after the groceries were in the house, I had to venture out again to retrieve the mail. Mail, indeed. Several circulars and pizza shop menus were the mail du jour. Of all days, the mailman also left us our neighbor's mail too. "Sigh," it looked like I had to make another trip out into the elements.
~ The neighbor, however did not get any mail on Saturday. Curiously, on Sunday morning some mail arrived. I almost felt bad when the son next door was yelled at for not bringing in the mail the day before. For some strange reason, I seemed to be fresh out of compassion. It was May Day and I had enough to worry about. There was no May Poles in my world. Hmm ... now some where out there in that garage, maybe under the shovels and on top of the weeding tools, there is a pole - my fishing pole! Just another thing to occupy my weekends.
~
No.128
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Jogging, Treasure, Handcuffs and Crap

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She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not...
~
Four days before her wedding, Jennifer Carol Wilbanks left her house for an early morning jog. A marathoner, this activity was not unusual. But this Tuesday morning, Wilbanks, daughter of a prominent family, did not return. Her fiancee reported her missing and soon a missing persons search was underway. But on Friday, after hundreds of police and volunteers had searched the woods near the Duluth, Georgia home, they called off the hunt. Suspicion of foul play was then directed to her betrothed, John Mason. With no signs of foul play and no leads, a $100,000 reward was offered. It appeared that on Saturday, the day of the wedding, the 600 guests would be attending a prayer service instead of a wedding. That morning family members received a phone call from her. She was okay. She was in Mexico. It seems the bride-to-be had gotten a sudden case of cold feet.
~
Buried Treasure
~
A trio of "intelligent excavators" got themselves literally to the root of trouble. Digging up a tree's roots from one of the men's backyard, they found a tin containing about $7000 face value of turn-of-the-century bills worth a whopping $150,000. In a whirl-wind tour, Timothy Crebase, Barry Billcliff and kevin Kozak, appeared on CNN, the Today Show and Good Morning America. They should have laid low. They might have gotten away with it had they kept their find a secret. It turns out the "treasure" was not found in the roots of a tree after all. Two of the men were roofers, and were repairing a roof on a barn. It was there, beneath a gutter in the rafters, that they found the tin. It was like a dream come true. Looking for a way to insure they kept their find, they devised a scheme to "find" elsewhere. The men didn't count on their story seeming suspicious to the law, however. There were subtle differences in each man's version of the discovery. Learning of the roofing job and the results of background checks, led to interrogations. It turns out that one of the men, Kozak had a criminal record with 2 years probation on counterfeiting charges. When one man finally confessed to the hoax, subsequent arrests of the three and a fourth man resulted. The farm owner said the money probably belong to her grand uncle or great-grandfather who sold cider during prohibition. A cousin of the home owner said, "Those guys weren't very bright."
~
Armed and Dangerous
~
At a Fall River, Massachusetts elementary school, police slapped handcuffs on both the wrists and ankles of a severely handi-capped 7-year-old boy. It was the boys first day at the school after being transferred from a Boston school. In an assembly he was told to sit down. He immediately went into a tantrum. In the end, the boy trashed the principals office, assaulted three teachers, and punched a policeman in the groin. Paperwork from the DSS, the Department of Social Services, was not sent to the new school. That paperwork would have detailed the boy's special needs. A spokes person for the Police Department said they would file charges of four counts of assault and disturbing the peace of the school assembly. The District Attorney said he doubted he would press the charges. The police said they did the right thing, and the cuffing was to prevent the boy from hurting himself and others. He was uncuffed when his mother arrived to pick him up.
~
If I Wanted Any Crap ...
~
The Dave Matthews Band has agreed to pay $200,000 to an environmental fund. The payout was the result of a lawsuit against the band. A tour bus the band was using dumped human waste while crossing a bridge. The waste poured into grates on the bridge, which in turn fell onto people in an architectural tour boat on the Chicago River. The open deck of the tour boat had as many as 100 people. The band assured the Illinois Attorney General that the incident would not happen again. For good measure, the band will keep a record of when and where they dump the buses' septic tanks. I wonder if the band had beans for lunch that day?
~
~No.127
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Fractured Etymology No.7

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The Pointmeister put on his glasses and rolled up his sleeves and dug into his dictionary and came up with a few more words for your edification,

1. Accord - a lot of firewood
2. Arctic - common misspelling of artic
3. Astute - a small statue
4. Britches - nasty wealthy women
5. Brouhaha - giggles from drinking too much beer
6. Budget - Neanderthal term for "get me a beer"
7. Cereal - continuing story about corn flakes
8. Commentators - ordinary potatoes
9. Donate - past tense of donut
10. Ennui - where you find a tear drop
11. Java Script - a cup of coffee and a morning newspaper
12. Pastry - a tree from which the sap is made into paste, related to the rubber tree
13. Piazza - catcher for the Mets
14. Placebo - a toy gazebo for dolls
15. Popsicle - a large tricycle for adult males
16. Pugilist - a roster of prize fighters
17. Puppets - tiny pop-ups on a computer
18. Quarterback - change from a dollar bill for a purchase of 75 cents
19. Rhubarb - Ru Paul's sister who dresses up as a man
20. Utilitarian - person who works for the electric company or the gas company

~ The next edition of Fractured Etymology will return. There's always room for Jello and some new words!

No. 126

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Got Milk?

~
"Have a nice day, sir," the young girl at the register said to me.
~ Actually I had been having a fairly nice day before I walked into that supermarket. Stopping in for a gallon of milk and the few obligatory add-ons, my goal was to get in, get my milk and get out. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Only a few feet from the entrance I was besieged from behind by a shopping cart, not once, but twice by the same lady. That was the moment my day begin to deteriorate.
~ Upon finding the dairy case in dire need of restocking, I wondered if perhaps there was some unexpected shortage of milk. Of course, the previously mentioned lady had also parked in front of of the empty milk display. Needless to say, she had conveniently positioned herself where the stockboy needed to be. Indignant that she was asked to please move, she uttered a few expletives deleted not exactly becoming of a lady. I had always thought that gallons of milk containers coming from the same case would also have the same "sell by date." Apparently, this lady's experience shopping suggested otherwise as she read one by one the stamped dates.
~ From that point on I gave her the right of way and made sure she was in front of me. I strategically avoided any aisle she chose to take. A box of Cheez-Its and a bag of chips fulfilled my add-ons as I headed to the front of the store. Just as I emerged from one aisle, a mountain of on-sale cans of garbanzo beans came crashing down in my path. Someone had crashed their cart into the base of the display causing the avalanche. You guessed it, the same lady! She plowed through the debris while I was busy removing a dozen or so cans of garbanzos from my cart. By the way, I hate garbanzo beans!
~ Finally arriving at the express line of 12 or fewer items, I was dismayed to see my nemesis was there ahead of me. After a heated debate with the checkout clerk, her 30 or so items were scanned. It seems that her myriad of ailments precluded her from complying to item restrictions. A comment by a man behind me gave her the excuse to practice some more choice expletives. By the way, I also hate lines! Apoplexy had begun to set in as I patiently waited while she was digging through her pocketbook for coupons and her senior citizen discount card. Wetting the tip of her finger as she pulled one bill at a time from her purse, I was tempted to offer to count it out for her. Next was the excavation for the loose coins to make exact change. Apoplexy was just about full blown as the clerk began to eliminate items from the total. Yes, she had put more groceries into her cart than she had money. While this was going on, she muttered something about the stores high prices being responsible for her embarrassing shortage of funds. Curiously, one of the items left off her purchase was the gallon of milk.
~ As the lady carted her groceries away, I was stopped by the clerk. It was time for her break. The register was closed. By the way, I hate shopping! By the time I had moved to another register, got checked out, and finally left the store, I was most definitely having a bad day.
~ The girl at the register had meant well, but I don't think she realized the pressure she had put me under. She had put the onus on me. (I was reminded of a George Carlin skit). Did it occur to her that maybe, just maybe I didn't particularly want to have a nice day? Maybe I would have preferred to have a mediocre day or a so-so day. For all she knew, I might have been looking forward to a lousy day! She could have very well spoiled my day because she wasn't thinking about what she said.
~ The rest of the day I found myself walking on egg shells. I was cautious in every thing I did, overly cautious to a fault. From the moment I left that register, it was ordained for me to have a nice day. When I got to my truck, it was my turn to practice my skills of using expletives! Another car had pulled in beside me, so close that I couldn't open the passenger door. My only option was from the driver's side to reach across the console to deposit my bags on the floorboard. Once behind the wheel, I glanced in my rear view mirror in time to see the owner of the car approach. I nearly screamed! It was her again! I don't know who I pissed off that day, but they were getting their money's worth of revenge.
~ I got the hell away from there as fast as I could without taking out any one on the parking lot. Instead of first heading back to the house, I instead went to the drive-up window of the nearest coffee shop. Nothing, this side of a stiff alcoholic beverage can soothe ones soul like a cup of Joe. As it turned out, naturally, I had to go back into the place for a donut to help wash down the coffee. I would've bet the house that the one who served me the coffee must have been a relative of that lady in the grocery store!
~ I started to pull out of the coffee shop's lot when a another car whipped into the exit lane cutting me off. I lost it then and there. Parking where I sat, I was going to give that lady a piece of my mind! I had had all I could take from her. It wasn't her! It was the register clerk who turned me away to go on her break! In what might have looked like a comedy routine, the two of us apologized to each other, both of us claiming fault. Back in my truck about to turn into the traffic, I saw something that promised the rest of my day was going to be nice. There she was, that lady, tail-gating another car and blasting her horn. The poor bastard, he picked the wrong lady to cut off!
~
~Got milk? I got mine.
~
No.125

Cow Pie In Your Face

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This could well be but the first in a series of periodic nominations of those certain individuals who have exhibited in actions or words, questionable behavior. In time this list will grow as more nominees are added. Only those who sink to the lowly station of pond scum have a chance to receive a " Cow Pie In Your Face Award."
~ In the near future, the growing list of nominees will be graded and ranked based upon the callousness of their misdeeds. The Cow Pie will come in five varieties, or "flavors," each recognizing different degrees of demerit. The Meadow Muffin, indicating a fresh deposit, will be worth 5 points. A Pasture Burger, crusty on the outside but having a soft center, will earn 4 points. Worth 3 points, the Country Flapjack is characterized by a flattened shape, crusty but pliable. The Cow Chip, a 2 pointer, is also crusty but brittle. Worth only 1 point, the Field Frisbee is hard and flat enough that it can be hurled and will sail great distances.
~ Who will receive the first Cow Pie? As you no doubt observed above, the Pointmeister doesn't believe in using conventional pies. There will be no meringues, no whipped creams, and no shaving cream pies used at this awards ceremony. They are much to easy to clean up after. These nominees deserve an award that reflects the stupidity of their actions.
~ Recently in the news, and thus recently having displayed actions worthy of a Cow Pie in the face, the following have the honor of being on the initial list of nominees, they are listed based upon the "flavor" of the Cow Pie they received in the face.
~ Cardinal Bernard Law gets a Meadow Muffin and 5 points. This arrogant Catholic Priest's vestments are as soiled his legacy. He continually protected his pedophile brethren with absolutely no remorse for the victims. Terri Shaivo's mother gets a Pasture Burger. While her 4 points places her behind Law, it is just barely. This self-righteous woman placed her own agenda ahead of her daughter's dignity and seemed to care little for her quality of life. Getting 3 points with a Country Flapjack, Michael Jackson is being afforded a little levity. While this 47 year old man acts like a 14 year old, he definitely has some issues and should be placed under psychiatric care, there are reasonable doubts surrounding his guilt. Also worthy of Country Flapjack and 3 points, Kobe Bryant will also get a benefit of doubt. Kobe was probably innocent of rape and more than likely his accuser was a willing participant. His faux pas was just simply allowing himself to get into that position in the first place. The girl probably should have been nominated in tandem with Kobe. A Cow Chip and 2 points goes to the one and only Martha Stewart. Had she admitted her guilt and not lied to the Federal Jury in the first place, she wouldn't have been offered a sniff of a Cow Pie. Finally, we have the Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry. Since this is the very first of the nominations, there had to be at least one to receive a Field Frisbee and the 1 point.
~ There you have it, the inaugural nominees, a veritable rogues gallery, for the Cow Pie In Your Face Awards. The flavors awarded thus far are of course based upon my own personal views. You may or may not happen to agree with my list.
~ To make this work like I have envisioned it, I need help. If you would like to vote and hurl your own Cow Pie, feel free to click on comments. State your flavor and the nominee you think deserves a Cow Pie. If you happen to think any of the nominees do not deserve Cow Pies, you can make that statement and give the nominee a 0 (zero). Eventually your flavor points will be added those already in place. After a while, who knows, the Cardinal might fall down the list. Martha Stewart may climb the list.
~ You can also make a nomination of someone you'd like to see with Cow Pie in their face. Please feel free to do so, also in the comments. As the votes accumulate I will update the lists with standings and points. If there happens to be enough interest, there could very well be a an end of the year winner who could win "The Great Fertilizer Award."
~
No.124
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Prisons Do Have TVs

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There is a buzz in Oshkosh, by gosh! One woman has found herself in an unenviable position. It's a dilemma no football fans in their right minds would want to face. Given the choice of giving up Green Bay Packers season tickets or going to jail for ninety days seems like a no-brainer to most people. Most people don't live in the Green Bay, Wisconsin area!
~ Sharon E. Rosenthal, 59, stole more than $3000 from labor union accounts before leaving her job. The money was used to pay household bills. Found guilty, she was sentenced Friday, 4/23, in Winnebago County Circuit Court on one felony count of theft. Judge Scott Woldt gave the Appleton, Wis. woman the option of donating her family's four Packers seats next season or to spend ninety days in lock up. The Judge suggested that the 3-game season package go to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The jail time or the ticket donation will occur as part of her 2-year period of probation.
~ She has not yet indicated what she will do. It's a football fan's worst nightmare, especially when it comes to tickets for the Green Bay Packers. Fans there are among the most rabid in the country. Rosenthal's plight, not surprisingly, has sparked much debate in the county known for cheese, Oskosh clothing and of course the Pack!
~ One fan, a 40-something male who wished to remain anonymous, said he would go to jail. He said it took him much longer than ninety days to get his season's tickets. He spent over 12 years on the waiting list before he was able to garner his ducats. When asked what he would do if it were his wife facing the decision, he had no comment. The women of the area appeared to be split when asked what choice Rosenthal should make. One woman said that the Judge had levied a much too excessive punishment. Her daughter agreed, saying the decision was cruel and unjust and not fitting of the crime.
~ By the time the date is set for the sentence to begin and any possible appeals are filed, it could be late summer or early autumn before her time is actually served. There lies the tragedy one man said. Rosenthal would have to weigh whether to serve jail time when the season begins, or to stay home. Either way she will be unable to attend Packers games at Lambeau Stadium next season.
~ Hmm, now I understand this woman's dilemma. It's not that she herself would not be able to see the home games. The woman is clearly thinking of her family first. If she forfeits the tickets, she would also be denying her family to see the games. In jail, she would miss the games, but her family could attend the contests. I guess you can say that football is thicker than blood, even at the frozen tundra!
~ Another woman, sporting a Bret Favre jersey made it a point to note that either way, at least she can still watch the games on television. They do have TVs in prison, don't they?
~
~No.123
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Mirrorority Complex

~
While shaving, I cannot help but look into the mirror. Many times over the years, I have seen myself looking back at me. The face of my observer has changed quite a bit through it all, this thing we call life. The skin is looser. There are bags under my eyes many days. I can see the sagging skin beneath my chin.
~ The hair atop my head is thinning and it is flecked with grey. That same tint of grey is also prevalent in my beard and moustache. In places my hair is vanishing ever so slowly. Curiously there is hair growing elsewhere that I do not want at all.
~ Shaving has become so laborious. Not only do I have to take pains to trim my moustache, but now I have to trim my ears and nostrils. Even my eyebrows command attention.
~ Alas, this is not a picture of Dorian Gray that I gaze upon. The image staring back at me is no longer that of a youthful full-of-piss-and-vinegar man. I wonder what he is thinking, he on the other side of the glass? Is he as perplexed as I, as he looks upon my haggard visage?
~ A friend once told me that I had a face tailor made for radio. At the time, I thought it was funny. My reflection isn't laughing either. It may have been the same friend who once said I was two-faced. If I was indeed two-faced, there is no way in hell I'd be wearing this one! Once again the face in the mirror is maintaining a frown, finding nothing funny.
~ The two of us have been through a lot over the years. There was a time when our attention was directed at other parts of ourselves, not so lately. I never appreciated the reflection of the younger me. Perhaps he felt the same way. They say youth is wasted on the young. I didn't realize then that we were probably looking at each other and seeing the best of us in better times. You know, I miss that young foolish man. The things that I could tell him, I wonder if I would have listened if my likeness had said the same things to me then.
~ We were much younger then. We were invulnerable. Time was a number on a clock; nothing so esoteric as the past or the future. Then, there was only the present. Now, it is today, and it is the present that seems esoteric. The young man is not going to look back at me when I gaze into the mirror, just as he never saw the older me.
~ No, I never appreciated that bygone reflection of the younger me. I do now. I miss him. I wish he were here. I wish he were now!
~
No. 122
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Air Guitar-ing To The Oldies

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Perhaps you have heard of us? No? You will! Well, we're one of the hottest bands around! We are The Air Apparent, the avant garde of the next and newest trend in touring bands.
~ You are among the first to see us live on stage. Welcome all of you! Before we start blowing your minds and rocking the ceiling off this place, let me first introduce the band. That's Joe, our lead vocalist at the air-mike. There's Pete on air-base. Back there is Gene on the air-drums. To my left, that handsome devil is Willie on the air-rhythm guitar. Tim is the one who tickles the keys on the air-organ. Bob, on my right is the air-sax player. Me, I am mike, lead air-guitar. And we are The Air Apparent!
~
~ It is between sets now, so I'll tell you a little bit about us. We all hail from different backgrounds and all work in different fields. Don't worry, for the time being we have all kept our day jobs! For several years all of us have struggled to get this band together. It hasn't been easy juggling family, work and a band. We persevered and practiced our raw talents, eventually fine-tuning ourselves into a legitimate band.
~ All of us at one time or another have endured the embarrassment of getting caught practicing at hoe or at work. Be honest now, how many times have you played some air-guitar? I'll bet there is more than a few out there who play a mean set of air-drums.
~ While some people compare us to lip-synchers, I must take exception to that. Lip-synchers have the music and beat backing them, and all they need to know is when to move their lips. An air-band, on the other hand, must know the chords and rifts on the guitars. The drummer needs to capture the tempo. The organist needs to when to cut in. The hornist must know his cues. Then all of those individual pieces must be synchronized into a fluent rendition of the song. We don't have a scrolling Karaoke monitor prompting us like the lip singers. We need to know all of the elements of the songs we play inside and out.
~ Tonight we are being paid in air-money. This free show is just the first step to stardom. But someday our gigs will be for real money. The crowds will be real. The major recording contract will be real. The garbage will be real. (Poof) Huh?
~ Oh yes. Yes dear. I'll take out the garbage now for real! Yes, right now. What? What am I doing? Er .. ah .. nothing. Nothing at all!
~
~No.121
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