Pilgrim Phil and the Sauna

(PSST!) Over Here!

Say, aren't you Tom Turkey?

(Shhh!) Not so loud.

Say, aren't you Tom Turkey?

I changed my name. I'm Pilgrim Phil.

You look like a turkey!

Of course I do. I am a turkey.

I meant, you look like a turkey in that outfit... Uh, no offense intended.

None taken. I'm incognito.

How come? You didn't fool me.

Of course not. You're writing this Blog, numb nuts. Uh, no offense intended.

Yeah, sure. But why as a pilgrim?

When in Plymouth you don't drive a Ford.

(???) O-o-okay! Let me see if I got this straight. If you dress like a pilgrim you'll blend in with everyone and no one will recognize that you're a turkey.

I am blinded by the brilliance before me.

(Ahem!) So what's the point? Are you ashamed to be a turkey?

Aren't you ashamed to be a blogger? Don't you have a life?

Hey! I'm the interviewer here. You're the interviewee.

Look, it's like this ... Next week is Thanksgiving! If you'd spend less time on your computer and more time in the real world, you'd have known that.

But I do know Thanksgiving is coming up. So?

I'll tell you. Read my lips ...

Turkeys don't have lips!

(Groan!) No, but I do have a big pecker. Can you say the same?

Yeah, but at least I don't go sticking it where it doesn't belong.

Really?

I don't think I'd be talking about anatomy if I were you.

What's anatomy?

You know ... legs, wings, breast ... dark meat and white meat. Yum yum!

(Gasp!) You cannibalistic barbarian! That's what I'm talking about!

Just look at those gorgeous drumsticks ... er legs and that full breast ... That tight outfit makes you look ... fat ...fatter!

(Gulp!) You are a nasty axe murderer.

Relax, Tom. You're too uptight. You know what's good for that? A nice hot soothing sauna!

(Whew!) You had me worried there for a moment. I take back everything I said about bloggers. A hot sauna, eh? You'd do that for me?


*(With apologies to The Kingston Trio)

Spoken Intro:
Throughout history there have been many songs about the Human Appetite. This next one tells the story of a husband, a beautiful wife, and a condemned bird named Tom Turkey. When the sun rises tomorrow, Tom Turkey must cook.

Chorus
Hang down your head, Tom Turkey
Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head, Tom Turkey
Poor bird, you're going to die.

I met them at the farm stand, there they fed me bread.
Met them at the farm stand, looks like I'll lose my head.

Chorus

This time tomorrow, reckon where I'll be;
Hadn't been for Thanksgiving, I'd a been still free.

Chorus

Chorus Repeat - (Everybody sing along!)

This time tomorrow, reckon where I'll be led,
Down in some broilin' oven, stuffed with bread.

Chorus

Chorus finale
Hang down your head (your head!), Tom Turkey
Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head (your head!), Tom Turkey
Poor bird you're going to ... die.

The previous parody of "Tom Dooley" is from my Nov.'06 archives.

The image above of "Pilgrim Phil" was scanned from a wood cutout I made several years ago. It was hand drawn and hand painted onto a 10"x7" piece of 3/4 pine which I cut on a scroll saw to its shape.

Anyone interested in slightly used Pilgrim suit?

№ 1528

Give Me a Brrr-eak!

Sunday POODLE DOODLES

Trash Talk

ώhατ α ḋεɾεṉсε α ḋαÿ ṃαќεṡ...

Yesterday it was 65 and mild. Today it was 45 with a wind chill factor of 37. Adding wind speeds of 23 to 37 mph with gusts up to 50 to the mix made today feel more seasonal. Brrrrrr ...


Today I was playing around with the titles of Christmas carols, looking for some ideas for potential parodies. I wanted to come up with some new titles as opposed to tapping into my archives. To start I parodied some titles and categorized them.

In tribute to our President elect, Barack Obama, I came up with these possibilities:

Obama Tree (O Christmas Tree) - I'm not sold on this one.

Obama Baby (Santa Baby) - This one has potential.

Barack Obama Is Coming To Town (Santa Claus Is Coming To Town) - He's making a list for cabinet positions.

Over Congress and Through the House (Over the River and Through the Woods) - Passing or not passing bills.

Then there are a few miscellaneous subjects:

The Little Dumber Boy (Little Drummer Boy) - Goodbye to Dubya.

Little Plumber Boy (Ditto) - Joe the plumber.

I Saw These Hips (I Saw Three Ships) - Gaining weight over the holidays.

Away in a Stranger (Away in a Manger) - Bill Clinton's anthem.

I'm Dreaming of a Dry Mattress (White Christmas) - A bed wetter's lament.
ORI'm Dreaming of a Dry Mattress (White Christmas) - A couple decide who gets the 'wet' spot.

The Friendly Beasts (The Friendly Beasts) - A New Zealand Christmas carol.

Chet's Nuts Roasting On an Open Fire (The Christmas Song) - Hannibal Lechter invites a friend over for the holidays.

Me Lay a Kinky Mama (Mele Kalikimaka) - A street gang member looking for a MILF.

Those ought to keep me busy between now and Christmas!

Any requests?

№ 1527

On the Mild Side

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

If You Can't Stand the Heat..

What's wrong with this picture? My chores for today included filling the gas can and getting the snow blower ready to be fired up tomorrow. An errand found me at the hardware store picking up some ice melt. In new England that is not unusual activity for the middle of November.

Yet, it seemed to be a fool's folly today. It was mild. The temperature was 65 degrees! It might seem that I'm looking forward to snow. NFW! Not on your life.

They have a saying up here; "If you don't like the weather, wait a minute!". There is no snow in the immediate forecast for this area, but the weather reports has the day time temps in the 30s for Tuesday and Wednesday. That is just about cold enough for snow fall. Parts of New York, western Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine have already had their first snowfalls. Some mid western states have also seen the white stuff.

Enough of that four-letter word!

This time of year is also when many of you will be making plans for Christmas parties. If a Christmas party you are going to be attending happens to be an office party, Playboy Magazine offers up the following tips of "no-no's":

I don't know ... I thought the idea of a party was to have fun. Well, you can always hang out the table with all the hors d'oeuvres and pick at those little pieces of cheese:

Well, I am a pundit of puns....

№ 1526

Thanksgiving: On a Sesame Street Bun

He's making a list, and checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty and nice...
Santa Claus is coming to town.
So who's checking up on him
Before he's coming?
You gotta love double entendres. You can get away with just about anything!


With Thanksgiving less than two weeks away, I thought I would resurrect this classic gem from my November, 2006 archives.


On a Sesame Street Bun

Usually when someone gives you the bird, chances are you cut him off at an intersection. On the other hand, if someone gives you the bird on the third Thursday of November, you eat it!

Through the magic of this Blog, you are about to witness what happened when the bird was given to the denizens of Sesame Street. (Caution: This is a childrens' blog, it contains graphic references that may be too intense for adults.)

Ernie: Say, Bert. That's sure one big turkey!
Bert: He always was.
Oscar: I'll say. I sure won't miss that annoying nasally voice of his.
Bert: I think we can stomach the big guy one more time, don't you?
Count: Bwa-ha-ha-ha! I think I'll count how many days of leftovers we're going to have.
Ernie: It sure tastes gamey.
Oscar: Save the bones for me!
Elmo: You going to make a stew, Oscar?
Oscar: No. The bones will make pretty decorations for my trash can!
Count: I'll count them for you.
Ernie: Say, Bert. This stuffing tastes good!
Bert: Yeah. I wonder what it's made of?
Cookie Monster: Cooooookies!
Elmo: I sure hope those are "chocolate" chips!
Count: I think I'll count the chips.
Bert: I wonder what's for dessert?
Cookie Monster: Cooooookies!
Elmo: Hey guys, where's Miss Piggy?
Bert: Aw, she's on another one of her diets.
Ernie: She can't eat turkey?
Bert: You know her, it's gotta be French cuisine.
Ernie: But aren't the French a bunch of turkeys?
Count: I counted a lot of turkeys in France.
Bert: Say, Ernie?
Ernie: Yes, Bert?
Bert: I gotta joke for you. What's green and smells like pork?
Ernie: Gee, Bert, I don't know.
Bert: Kermit's face!
Elmo: Tee-hee-hee-hee-giggle-hee-hee!
Ernie: Bert, I don't get it!
Cookie Monster: After she get her cooooookies!
Statler: Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Waldorf: What are you laughing at? That wasn't funny.
Statler: Who's laughing? I'm choking on a wing bone.
Waldorf: Uh-oh. Here comes the Pig!
Miss Piggy: Did I hear someone mention moi?
Ernie: Hello, Miss Piggy. I got a new joke for you.
Bert: No Ernie. I don't think that's a good idea.
Miss Piggy: You have a joke for little ol' moi? Give, little man!
Ernie: (Gulp) Sure. What's green and smells like Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: Watch it, buster. This had better be good.
Ernie: I don't get it, but the answer is Kermit's face.
Miss Piggy: Hiii-Yaaaah!
Statler: Whoa! The Pig karate-chopped him all the way across the room!
Waldorf: I think he got it. That was the punch line.
Bert: Ouch! That must hurt.
Ernie: Ooh. Look at the rubber duckies spinning around my head.
Count: Let me count the rubber duckies!
Elmo: Look! Here comes Kermit! What's he doing in a wheel chair?
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie. There you are, my love. I could just eat you up.
Kermit: You already did, Piggy.
Ernie: Bert. Where's Kermit's legs?
Count: No legs to count!
Bert: I told you she's on a French diet - frog legs!
Statler: I wonder what they'll serve for Christmas?
Waldorf: Haven't you guessed? Ham!

Music: It's time to put on makeup! It's time to dress up right! It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight!

№ 1525

Wal-Mart Cat

A cute little catty piece I received in an e-mail from my daughter.
Thanks, Gretchen

The Wal-Mart Cat A BLONDE was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART??? HELLOOOOOOOOO! ? WALMART is the largest RE-TA ILER in the world!!! Sorry, I couldn't resist

If I were to make the following observation:

If Scots are from Scotland, and Swedes are from Sweden, then Germs must be from Germany!

Would you respond with:

'You must be from Aspen!' ?

With Dubya our Lame Duck President about to waddle out the door that will smack him in the ass on the way out - I think I should honor - pay tribute - okay - BASH him! To accomplish this, I have resurrected the following from a 11/29/06 post from my archives.
---------------------------------------

As I am sometimes wont to do, I like to parody songs. With Christmas fast approaching there is a plethora of carols from which to choose.

I was in a quandary. Which one should I parody? At first, I experimented with the words: O Come Let Us Ignore Him.... Then I toyed with: Oh, Tsar of Blunder, Tsar of Blight.... Another had possibilities: You're a mean one, Mr. President..

Then lo and behold, I found the caricature at the above right. Now just what song could possibly tie in with that cartoon? The parodied title and subject fit like a glove: Oh Little Clown Who's President...So clear your throats and take a sip of whatever libation is close at hand and sing along...

Oh Little Clown Who's President
(sung to the tune of Oh Little Town of Bethlehem)

Oh little clown who's President, we still hear how thee lied
About thy fears of terrorists and the weapons that they hide.
You neath satin sheets somehow manage to fall asleep tonight,
Despite the hopes and fears of our troops while they fight.

Should we attempt another number? Sure, why not? I'm a sandwich! (translation: sandwich = on a roll)~(Note to self: delete this awful pun)

The Dubya's Song
(Sung to the tune of The Grinch's Song)

You're a mean one, Mr. President,
You really are a jerk,
You're as welcome as a rash,
You're a real piece of work, Mr. President,
You're a megalomaniac gone berserk!

You're an idiot, Mr. President,
Your heart pumps oil,
Your brain is full of grandeur,
Your smile can make milk spoil, Mr. President,
You should be wrapped with thirty-nine-and-a-half feet of foil!

You're a coward, Mr. President,
You're a mealy mouthed punk,
Your heart is as cold as an icebox,
Your Party is all but sunk, Mr. President,
The three words that best describe how I should feel, and I quote,
"Drink, drank, drunk"!

№ 1524

Parodies - More Than One "D"

What with Christmas displays in the stores, Christmas ads all over the place and Christmas carols playing on the radio ... You know what that means?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ...

... It's time for some Christmas carol parodies!

Picture if you will, a poor unemployed redneck coming home from the liquor store looking forward to sitting down at the table for some fried chicken and dumplin's.

Picture now this poor soul witnessing his lovely - ample - pleasingly plump - overweight - fat - VERY obese wife placing before him a bowl of salad greens and bean sprouts with no dressing, a stick of celery and a slice of unbuttered toast. Listen to the string of obscenities preceding the query, "What the f**k is this?"

Picture his jaw bouncing from the table as she tells him that she is going on a diet! See his disgust over her use of that four-letter word! See the tears welling up in his eyes as she says, "There'll be no more cooking in fat. We are going to eat healthy food from now on!"

Finally, picture this broken man sitting alone on the porch swing, his trusty hound dog at his feet, as he sips forlornly from a bottle of Jack Daniels. If you listen to the wind you will hear carried in the breeze his mournful lament.


Wide Missus
(Sung to the tune of "White Christmas")


I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
Just like the one I use to knows
When the scales top'd two hunderd
And her thighs thundered
When I heard them rubbing in her hose.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
With every low cal crap I bite
May she make a meal greasy and fried
And may her ass be a yardstick or so wide.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
Like the one who use to cook in lard
Where the drumsticks glistened
And we all listened
To grease poppin' and arteries get hard.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
With every dry salad I eat
May she make pies and red meat
And may her big butt overhang her seat.

I'm dreamin' of a wide missus
Just like when she was one of my fancies
Where her ample body jiggled
And then we giggled
When I tried to wrassel off her panties.

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

From time to time, between now and Christmas when you stop by at this Blog, you will find a sampling of new and original parodies of your favorite and not so favorite Christmas carols. Also, I'll occasionally tap into my archives and reprint some classics too.

Question: - What do female reindeer do after Christmas?
--Answer: - They go out and blow a few bucks.

№ 1523

Did You Hug a Veteran Today?

Unfurled, the flag on my antenna was flapping in the breeze as I drove toward my first stop of the day. With the exception of the Post Office, the schools and municipal buildings I passed along the way, I was disappointed to see the Stars and Stripes conspicuously absent elsewhere.

Most of the cities and towns in the area had already done their part to honor our veterans by holding parades on the previous Sunday, such is the fate of the "lesser" holidays that fall on a week day. At least Veterans Day does get some measure of recognition.

Except for veterans organizations, however, the significance of Veterans Day has been all but lost and forgotten. Do many even remember that the day was once called Armistice Day?

armistice - n. a temporary stopping of warfare by mutual agreement, as a truce preliminary to the signing of a peace treaty

The significance of Veterans Day (Armistice Day), as well as the date (November 11) on which it is celebrated, can be traced back to:

... the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918 when Germany signed the Armistice which ended the hostilities of World War I [sic] "the war to end all wars."

When American servicemen and women began returning home when World War II ended, it wasn't long before there was a movement for Armistice Day to honor "all" veterans, not just those who served in the first world war.

Congress passed a bill to that effect, and on May 26,1954, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed into law an act that decreed Armistice Day as a day to honor all veterans. Congress amended the act on November 11 of the same year to effectively rename the holiday Veterans Day.

Did you know that while grammatically correct, it is considered in bad taste to use an apostrophe in the name of this holiday? The official government stance is that it should appear as it was written into law and it should never appear as "Veteran's Day" or "Veterans' Day."

Alas, there are some other patriotic observances that have been summarily ignored also. To many they are just another day on the calendar. I wonder how many, without Googling, can provide the calendar dates (and for extra credit the year of the event) of all of the following:

(a) VE Day (Victory in Europe)
(b) D-Day
(c) Flag Day
(d) VJ Day (Victory in Japan)
(e) Pearl Harbor Day

Don't feel bad or unpatriotic if you could not answer all of them. As for myself, I had to look up Flag Day, but I did know the rest.

(a) May 8, 1945
(b) June 6, 1944
(c) June 14, 1777
(d) August 14, 1945
(e) December 7, 1941

When I parked on the parking lot of my first stop for the day I could see a couple of blocks away the flag high above the City Hall Building. I removed my cap, placed my right hand over my heart and said,

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all."

I didn't hug a veteran today but I felt good - because I wasn't afraid to recite the Pledge of Allegiance even though it contains that "terrible" word GOD and I knew all the words.

№ 1522

I'm Just Sayin'...

Can you spell as good as an eighth grader? Find out and take the:

Encarta Quiz . ♥ I got all ten correct.


TEE SHIRT WITTICISMS

I'm sick of political ads. I approved this message.

Better Living Through Chocolate

Easily Distracted By Shiny Objects


In wine
there is wisdom,
In beer
there is freedom,
In water
there is bacteria.
Ben Franklin

DUCT TAPE Specialist

Careful, You'll End Up In My Novel

I'm polysyllabic in a monosyllabic world.

Natural
Source of
METHANE
Life is too short to worry about
how short life is.
Behind Every Great Man...
is a woman rolling her eyes!
HERE I AM
now what are your other two wishes?
I have no idea what
I'm doing out of bed
№ 1521

Little Known Thanksgiving Fact

Sunday POODLE DOODLES

Call Waiting

Wild Cat


A large feast with family and friends
wasn't the only thing significant
about the first Thanksgiving!

№ 1520

Maxine Says ...

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

The Commercial

Over the Rainbow

Maxine Says ...
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


№ 1519