Wetters to the Pwesident

One day in the near future:

We interrupt this coverage of the Democratic Convention for an important message from the President of the United States, George W. Bush. This segment of Mr. Bush's Neighborhood is being sponsored by his good friends at Mobil-Exxon.

My felwow Amewicans and Wepubwicans, I'm sure you were disgusted that evewy station was showing those Democwats twying to pick the wight man to wun against my bwother Jeb as the next Pwesident.
....Yes, it wooks wike Hilwawey is going to be their man. Ha-ha-ha! Isn't that funny? Well, it's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood! I find it funny because she isn't much of a wady anyway.
....Did you know that the Democwatic party has been weceiving thousands of wetters evewy day to wet Mrs. Cwinton wun for the White House? It's twue! My sources have wearned that Bill Cwinton sent evewy one of them!
....I ask you, do we weally want a man as a first wady? That just isn't wight! You think Hilwawey has ugwy fat ankles and calves? We don't need to see him in a dwess, do we? I guess she thinks it might make her wook better. Ha-ha-ha! Well, it's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!
....Before I continue, I would like to thank my speech witer, Bawbwa Walters, for witing a speech with little words that I can pwonounce. She took a wittle time off from kicking Wosie O'Donnel's fat butt. I gotta give her a wot of cwedit there, cause I wouldn't know where to start. That fat bwoad's all ass! Ha-ha-ha! Well, here in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood, we find that vewy funny!

I have weceived a few wetters fwom some school childwen adwessed to Mr. Bush's Neighborhood. I would wike to wead a few of them to all of Amewica. I hope some of those mean old Democwats are watching, because they might wearn something about Pwesidenting.
....Our first wetter says: Dear Mr. Bush, how come you still have not found all those Weapons of Mass Destwuction? My momma says there never was any?
....Let's see, that's from ... uh ... Jenna Bush? My, my somebody's gonna get a whooping!
....Ahem ... Well, that is not funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!
....I'll have you Amewicans know we did in fact find those Weapons of Mass Destwuction! If you'll wook on the Jumbo-Twon behind me you'll see that we have them under contwol in the BWA! That's a Big Weapons Armory.
Ha-ha-ha! Now that's funny even if you aren't in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood.

Okay! Wet's see what our next wetter says: Dear Mr. Pwesident, We all know how you were an absentee member of the National Guard, when are you going to come cwean and admit that you didn't attend your Hooked On Phonics cwasses?
....I think that any kid who asks such hard-hitting questions should be hit vewy, vewy hard! We don't find that vewy funny here in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood either. Oh, the child has more to say: P.S. My momma says you are a dumb ass! If Jenna can send a wetter, so can I. - Barbara
....Waura! Waura! Who's side you on, anyway? Bewieve me when I tell you, that is not funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!

I think Waura needs to pwactice what she pweaches in her watest book.

Well, wet's see if we have another wetter. Ah yes, but first I'm gonna see who it's from first. Wet me say this, you have don't have to get up vewy earwy to twick me. How about that? The next wetter is from Mrs. Cwinton herself!
....She wites: Dear Dumbya, As you know, I am wunning for your office for 2008. I'll be wearing the pants in the White House soon. What do you think of that, you wying Wepubwican woser? -Signed Hilwawey Cwinton.
....Well Mrs. Cwinton, your wetter is not appweciated in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood! But I have an answer for you. If you get ewected as Pwesident, I'm gonna send your first wadie, Bill, a year's suppwhy of Cuban cigars. You won't find the time to wear your pants! Ha-ha-ha! Now that's the kind of humor that's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!

Amewica, if you will pwease excuse me, I have to go so I can continue my war on terrorism. I will fight for twuth, justice and the Amewican way. Up! Up! And way beyond the wimits of my powers.

....And who disguised as a manic mannered President ...

No.881

The Clintons Are Coming!

The word is out! It is official. Hillary Rodham Clinton has thrown her hatbox into the ring!
....Let the fun begin! Sure, the elections for 2008 are almost two years away, but look at how much time we have to dust off all the old Bill and Hillary jokes while we are waiting for the new ones that are sure to come!
....She will be the most watched, most photographed, most written about, most editorialized, most lampooned, most hated and most admired candidate to come down the pike in a long time. Hell, if she has been able to survive a marriage to William Jefferson Clinton, she should be up to the task to weather the maelstrom of press exposure she's going to have to endure.
....Remember, there has been a precedent of sorts. Where did anyone find the intestinal fortitude to hand George W. Bush the keys to the Oval Office? After keeping our meals down at the sight of George Herbert and Barbara Bush in the White House, it was clear to all level-headed thinkers that no one would vote for any offspring of that gruesome twosome. Apparently, the level-headed voters stayed away from the polls. History just might repeat itself!
....I don't know if the world is ready for a female President of the United States, but I'm certain that one day there will be one. I'm just not sure that Hillary will be THE one!

I have stated here in the past that I usually avoid political matters. However, there is one caveat: I don't avoid such matters if there are some good jokes involved. This is a humor Blog.

Hillary Clinton vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
...."Al, what do you believe in?"
....Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
....God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
....Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
....God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
...."I believe you're in my chair."

One Day On The Links

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to tee up when he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron."
....The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
....Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
....The frog replies, "Ribbit! Lucky frog."
....The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit! 3 wood."
....The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.
....He asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit! Las Vegas."
....They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit! Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit! $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
....Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
....The frog replies, "Ribbit! Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

I don't necessarily believe in Bush's war in Iraq, but I whole-heartedly support our troops over there. Here's a little humor for our boys.

Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
....He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
....The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."
....The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
....About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
...."No not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Finally, on the serious side, you can send your well wishes to our troops over there defending our freedoms. The following linked site has cards drawn by children that you can send to the troops. There is list of greetings to choose from that will accompany the card you select. All that is required is to fill in the blanks with only your name, city and state.
....If you want to show your support visit Let's Say Thanks! Send several. I sent one of each of them.

No.880

The State of Your Union

I found it interesting that President Bush didn't utter the actual words "State of the Union," until he end of his speech last night. Perhaps that fact spoke volumes in and of itself. In a guarded manner, he may have acquiesced that the country isn't in such great shape. Yet, through it all, there remained that stubborn arrogance that his plan was still the best plan.
....(The two-faces of Dubya is displayed in the morphing picture at the right. This pic was "harvested" from Hoss.)

As a rule, I usually avoid matters politic. However, working with the elderly, a very valuable resource I have tapped into on several occasions, I am often privvy to their views on such matters.
....Today was no exception. When I walked into the main lobby of the senior housing building, a discussion was already in progress regarding the speech. There were the usual suspects, a group of men and women who all lived on the East wing of the building, espousing their interpretations of Bush's words. I have a private epithet for that particular group, the Eastern Bloc.
....This was not my first interaction with this bunch. The last time was documented in this post. On that day I had ruffled the feathers of one lady who believed in prestidigitation, you know, the belief that every event in your life has been written down in God's "daily planner." It seems that she wasn't happy to be corrected when I suggested that the correct word was predestination."
....I will admit that I did rub a little salt in her wounded pride that day, much to the delight of the others present.

....From the glare in her eye this day, she remembered me all too well. She addressed me, "What did you think of the President's speech last night?"
....I don't know if she was setting me up or not, but I decided to fire the first shot, "He gave a speech last night?"
....The poor old gal was crushed. She was expecting me to parry with her. She probably had a speech of her own prepared for this confrontation. She was the sole Bush supporter in the group, and all she wanted was a chance to defend him. Well, I thought that even though she had baited the line, I wasn't going to nibble. Hell, I decided to grab the bait, hook, line and sinker and run with it! (Little did she know, the fish was on the other end of the line!)
...."Sonny, you're telling me you didn't watch his State of the Union speech?"

Those little characters, the Devil and the Angel, had appeared and were hovering above each of my shoulders. One poke with that trident, the Angel was gone in a poof of smoke.
...."Look, I don't care about the state of his union. What he and Laura do in the bedroom is none of my concern," the Devil made me say.
....While the others began to laugh, a look of shock was on her face. She was speechless for several moments. Then Agnes elbowed her husband seated next to her and said, "The state of our unions haven't been too good, have they Harold?" Harold blushed and shifted a bit in his seat but said nothing. She looked up at everyone and said, "The last time the damned fool fell asleep while he was on top of me. How's that for a sad state of a union?"

To Harold's embarrassment and the Bush-lady's chagrin, a chorus of laughs rang out. The audience had grown with the arrival of four more residents. Apparently the word had spread that the discussion of the President's speech in the lobby had turned into a comedy routine.
....It wasn't my plan for my remarks to venture into the privacy of these seniors' conjugal secrets. I figured it was a perfect moment to shift gears and change the topic to one I had planned originally. You see, I was anticipating this confrontation ever since our last bout.

I spoke up and directed my remark to my 'sparring partner,' who was seething by then. "All I can say is that Bush will go down as a better President than the next one!"
....My words must have intrigued her. She asked, "Next President? And who will that be?"
....I didn't bat an eye, "Hillary Clinton!"
....I swear I didn't think the lady could move so fast. She bolted upright and steadied herself on her walker and then shook her fist. "That bitch? The next President? Ha! She couldn't keep that whore monger husband of hers in line! What makes you think she can run the country?"
....Like I said, I was prepared for that meeting. "Well, for one thing she'll be good for the economy. The employment figures will rise."
....She was fit to be tied. "She wanted to take away our health plans! How in the world can you believe she'll help the economy?"
...."Just think," I said and I purposely paused for dramatic effect, "Just think of all the comedy writers, and stand up comedians, and cartoonists, especially editorial cartoonists that will find truckloads of material every day if she were the President. Oh, and don't forget the ... First Gentleman, Bill."
....There, I had done it. I had knocked down the hornets nest. That little Devil, however, was poking me to keep at it. "I know the perfect Vice President who could run with her. What do think of Rosie O'Donnell? She could be the female Dick Cheney. He shoots guns. She shoots off her mouth."

As she guided her walker away toward the elevators she was shaking her head and mumbling something unintelligible. As was the case at our last battle of wits, I stood as the victor and received the accolades of the still laughing seniors who remained.
....Something tells me that in the next meeting on the battlefield, she will be armed to kill. I will have to stay on my toes and be ready for anything.

I am reminded of a relevant joke:

"A man finds an old lamp partially buried in the sand on a beach. When he rubs the sand from it there is a sudden puff of smoke. Before him, hovering in the smoke was a genie who showed his gratitude for being released by granting the man three wishes.
....The man thought for a moment and asked if he could combine the three wishes into one wish with three parts. While it was an usual request, the genie agreed.
....The man said, "I want to spend the weekend in a luxurious hotel suite and sleep with three famous women who will do everything I ask."
...."It is done," said the genie.
....Before he could blink an eye he was standing in a posh hotel suite. There lying naked on the bed were the three famous women the genie had provided. There were Elizabeth Taylor, Lorena Bobbet and Hillary Clinton. He shrugged thinking they weren't who he would have chosen, but he decided to make the best of it.
....On the last hour of the weekend he awakened to not only find himself alone, but he had lost his house, his penis had been cut off, and he no longer had a health plan.

So, my friends, what is the State of Your Union?

No.875