Wetters to the Pwesident

One day in the near future:

We interrupt this coverage of the Democratic Convention for an important message from the President of the United States, George W. Bush. This segment of Mr. Bush's Neighborhood is being sponsored by his good friends at Mobil-Exxon.

My felwow Amewicans and Wepubwicans, I'm sure you were disgusted that evewy station was showing those Democwats twying to pick the wight man to wun against my bwother Jeb as the next Pwesident.
....Yes, it wooks wike Hilwawey is going to be their man. Ha-ha-ha! Isn't that funny? Well, it's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood! I find it funny because she isn't much of a wady anyway.
....Did you know that the Democwatic party has been weceiving thousands of wetters evewy day to wet Mrs. Cwinton wun for the White House? It's twue! My sources have wearned that Bill Cwinton sent evewy one of them!
....I ask you, do we weally want a man as a first wady? That just isn't wight! You think Hilwawey has ugwy fat ankles and calves? We don't need to see him in a dwess, do we? I guess she thinks it might make her wook better. Ha-ha-ha! Well, it's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!
....Before I continue, I would like to thank my speech witer, Bawbwa Walters, for witing a speech with little words that I can pwonounce. She took a wittle time off from kicking Wosie O'Donnel's fat butt. I gotta give her a wot of cwedit there, cause I wouldn't know where to start. That fat bwoad's all ass! Ha-ha-ha! Well, here in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood, we find that vewy funny!

I have weceived a few wetters fwom some school childwen adwessed to Mr. Bush's Neighborhood. I would wike to wead a few of them to all of Amewica. I hope some of those mean old Democwats are watching, because they might wearn something about Pwesidenting.
....Our first wetter says: Dear Mr. Bush, how come you still have not found all those Weapons of Mass Destwuction? My momma says there never was any?
....Let's see, that's from ... uh ... Jenna Bush? My, my somebody's gonna get a whooping!
....Ahem ... Well, that is not funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!
....I'll have you Amewicans know we did in fact find those Weapons of Mass Destwuction! If you'll wook on the Jumbo-Twon behind me you'll see that we have them under contwol in the BWA! That's a Big Weapons Armory.
Ha-ha-ha! Now that's funny even if you aren't in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood.

Okay! Wet's see what our next wetter says: Dear Mr. Pwesident, We all know how you were an absentee member of the National Guard, when are you going to come cwean and admit that you didn't attend your Hooked On Phonics cwasses?
....I think that any kid who asks such hard-hitting questions should be hit vewy, vewy hard! We don't find that vewy funny here in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood either. Oh, the child has more to say: P.S. My momma says you are a dumb ass! If Jenna can send a wetter, so can I. - Barbara
....Waura! Waura! Who's side you on, anyway? Bewieve me when I tell you, that is not funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!

I think Waura needs to pwactice what she pweaches in her watest book.

Well, wet's see if we have another wetter. Ah yes, but first I'm gonna see who it's from first. Wet me say this, you have don't have to get up vewy earwy to twick me. How about that? The next wetter is from Mrs. Cwinton herself!
....She wites: Dear Dumbya, As you know, I am wunning for your office for 2008. I'll be wearing the pants in the White House soon. What do you think of that, you wying Wepubwican woser? -Signed Hilwawey Cwinton.
....Well Mrs. Cwinton, your wetter is not appweciated in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood! But I have an answer for you. If you get ewected as Pwesident, I'm gonna send your first wadie, Bill, a year's suppwhy of Cuban cigars. You won't find the time to wear your pants! Ha-ha-ha! Now that's the kind of humor that's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!

Amewica, if you will pwease excuse me, I have to go so I can continue my war on terrorism. I will fight for twuth, justice and the Amewican way. Up! Up! And way beyond the wimits of my powers.

....And who disguised as a manic mannered President ...

No.881

The State of Your Union

I found it interesting that President Bush didn't utter the actual words "State of the Union," until he end of his speech last night. Perhaps that fact spoke volumes in and of itself. In a guarded manner, he may have acquiesced that the country isn't in such great shape. Yet, through it all, there remained that stubborn arrogance that his plan was still the best plan.
....(The two-faces of Dubya is displayed in the morphing picture at the right. This pic was "harvested" from Hoss.)

As a rule, I usually avoid matters politic. However, working with the elderly, a very valuable resource I have tapped into on several occasions, I am often privvy to their views on such matters.
....Today was no exception. When I walked into the main lobby of the senior housing building, a discussion was already in progress regarding the speech. There were the usual suspects, a group of men and women who all lived on the East wing of the building, espousing their interpretations of Bush's words. I have a private epithet for that particular group, the Eastern Bloc.
....This was not my first interaction with this bunch. The last time was documented in this post. On that day I had ruffled the feathers of one lady who believed in prestidigitation, you know, the belief that every event in your life has been written down in God's "daily planner." It seems that she wasn't happy to be corrected when I suggested that the correct word was predestination."
....I will admit that I did rub a little salt in her wounded pride that day, much to the delight of the others present.

....From the glare in her eye this day, she remembered me all too well. She addressed me, "What did you think of the President's speech last night?"
....I don't know if she was setting me up or not, but I decided to fire the first shot, "He gave a speech last night?"
....The poor old gal was crushed. She was expecting me to parry with her. She probably had a speech of her own prepared for this confrontation. She was the sole Bush supporter in the group, and all she wanted was a chance to defend him. Well, I thought that even though she had baited the line, I wasn't going to nibble. Hell, I decided to grab the bait, hook, line and sinker and run with it! (Little did she know, the fish was on the other end of the line!)
...."Sonny, you're telling me you didn't watch his State of the Union speech?"

Those little characters, the Devil and the Angel, had appeared and were hovering above each of my shoulders. One poke with that trident, the Angel was gone in a poof of smoke.
...."Look, I don't care about the state of his union. What he and Laura do in the bedroom is none of my concern," the Devil made me say.
....While the others began to laugh, a look of shock was on her face. She was speechless for several moments. Then Agnes elbowed her husband seated next to her and said, "The state of our unions haven't been too good, have they Harold?" Harold blushed and shifted a bit in his seat but said nothing. She looked up at everyone and said, "The last time the damned fool fell asleep while he was on top of me. How's that for a sad state of a union?"

To Harold's embarrassment and the Bush-lady's chagrin, a chorus of laughs rang out. The audience had grown with the arrival of four more residents. Apparently the word had spread that the discussion of the President's speech in the lobby had turned into a comedy routine.
....It wasn't my plan for my remarks to venture into the privacy of these seniors' conjugal secrets. I figured it was a perfect moment to shift gears and change the topic to one I had planned originally. You see, I was anticipating this confrontation ever since our last bout.

I spoke up and directed my remark to my 'sparring partner,' who was seething by then. "All I can say is that Bush will go down as a better President than the next one!"
....My words must have intrigued her. She asked, "Next President? And who will that be?"
....I didn't bat an eye, "Hillary Clinton!"
....I swear I didn't think the lady could move so fast. She bolted upright and steadied herself on her walker and then shook her fist. "That bitch? The next President? Ha! She couldn't keep that whore monger husband of hers in line! What makes you think she can run the country?"
....Like I said, I was prepared for that meeting. "Well, for one thing she'll be good for the economy. The employment figures will rise."
....She was fit to be tied. "She wanted to take away our health plans! How in the world can you believe she'll help the economy?"
...."Just think," I said and I purposely paused for dramatic effect, "Just think of all the comedy writers, and stand up comedians, and cartoonists, especially editorial cartoonists that will find truckloads of material every day if she were the President. Oh, and don't forget the ... First Gentleman, Bill."
....There, I had done it. I had knocked down the hornets nest. That little Devil, however, was poking me to keep at it. "I know the perfect Vice President who could run with her. What do think of Rosie O'Donnell? She could be the female Dick Cheney. He shoots guns. She shoots off her mouth."

As she guided her walker away toward the elevators she was shaking her head and mumbling something unintelligible. As was the case at our last battle of wits, I stood as the victor and received the accolades of the still laughing seniors who remained.
....Something tells me that in the next meeting on the battlefield, she will be armed to kill. I will have to stay on my toes and be ready for anything.

I am reminded of a relevant joke:

"A man finds an old lamp partially buried in the sand on a beach. When he rubs the sand from it there is a sudden puff of smoke. Before him, hovering in the smoke was a genie who showed his gratitude for being released by granting the man three wishes.
....The man thought for a moment and asked if he could combine the three wishes into one wish with three parts. While it was an usual request, the genie agreed.
....The man said, "I want to spend the weekend in a luxurious hotel suite and sleep with three famous women who will do everything I ask."
...."It is done," said the genie.
....Before he could blink an eye he was standing in a posh hotel suite. There lying naked on the bed were the three famous women the genie had provided. There were Elizabeth Taylor, Lorena Bobbet and Hillary Clinton. He shrugged thinking they weren't who he would have chosen, but he decided to make the best of it.
....On the last hour of the weekend he awakened to not only find himself alone, but he had lost his house, his penis had been cut off, and he no longer had a health plan.

So, my friends, what is the State of Your Union?

No.875

The Erroneous Zone

His plan to annex Iraq as the 52nd state was all but assured. The Bush Oil Corp. would become the world leader in fossil fuel production. He would become the most famous Bush since the time of Moses. His brother would succeed him to the Oval Throne.

....He would retire with his new advisors, Elmer Fudd and Barbara Walters, chosen because only they can understand a word he says. He would live in comfort on the strength of his legacy.

....Suddenly, it all fell apart. Nov. 7, 2006, became his Waterloo. In only two years, he had reduced the once proud G.O.P. to shambles. With his Ship Of State listing heavily, his own party had begun to denounce him. Those who stood by him had paid dearly for their sanctimonious loyalty.

....He had lost control of both Congress and the Senate. He had lost what little credibility even an editorial cartoonist could give him. Americans were revisiting the questions they'd asked since he'd first been elected.

....Then there were the 9/11 attacks! Patriotism and revenge were contagious. Americans thought that even a bumbling fool would do the right thing. They were wrong. So it was that America, led by Dubya, embarked on the most expensive scavenger hunt ever. He promised that no stone or camel pie would be unturned until the WMD were found.
....Even a lesser man with scruples would've admitted they were wrong. However, Dubya had never been accused of having scruples. He was proud of that, stating that he had no need of any Russian money. Then he said that he'd been misunderstood and misquoted. He said that he was never looking for 'Weapons of Mass Destruction.' He had committed our troops to locate something more sinister. He was after "Wooden Matchstick Dolls!"

Thus the battle lines were extended to the political arena. In the end, the 'Donkeys' stood victorious over the beleagured 'Pachyderms.'

His dreams unrealized, this Bush will indeed be compared to another famous bush, that of Monica Lewinsky.

Yes, a chunky little Jewish girl who brought a President to shame will be remembered and admired far longer than a President who brought shame to a country and his Party.

Let him retire to obscurity in 2008 to his Texas ranch. Maybe that's where the WMD lay hidden, in that shadowy place known as "The Erroneous Zone."

In the meantime, give the little lady a cigar!

No.798

Friends Don't Let Friends Blog Drunk

One fine day in Jurassic Park

Because it was deemed too intense for small children, this scene was cut from the movie.
The cheers from the parents may have caused psychological damage.


Kids never learn!

Gepetto, certain that his son had learned a valuable lesson about about the virtues of telling the truth, rewarded him with a computer for his birthday.
The boy's grades at school improved.
Pinnochio was doing so good until he discovered girls, My Space and chat rooms.

Choosing your friends...

Be mindful of the circles in which you travel. Always remember that the people with whom you associate may be a reflection of your good judgement and true character.
Never choose friends or staff personnel who are as arrogant, as insensitive and as stupid as you.
Even if you are President Bush, you will only be remembered as an idiot.

You can be replaced.

There is no such thing as security. Nothing in life is guaranteed. All you can do on the job, is to do the best you can. If you were irreplaceable, you would be the President of your company. Taking pride in your work and striving for success will make you a better person. Happiness at work will be reflected at home, and vice versa.
If you are satisfied, your significant other will be satisfied also.

Social life etiquette

The bar scene and the rules of dating have changed significantly over the years. You should make sure you know what behavior is and isn't acceptable.
You no longer pump the girls with drinks to lower their inhibitions. They just might be turning the tables and buying the drinks to get you in a weakened state.
These days women know what they want and go for it. Remember men, when a woman says no, she means no! But if she says yes, you had better not say no!

Technology in the home

In the modern world, yesterday's technology is obsolete today. You buy one model of a computer or cell phone today, and by tomorrow the next model is on the shelves.
Because these technologies permeate even your home life, you need to stay abreast of all the advancements.
It's a high-tech world and our lives revolve around these electronic gadgets. It's come to the point that we cannot live without them.
You'd better check your text messages and e-mails before you make any special plans or get any (ahem) ideas!

No.738

Elephants Never Forget

What GOOGLE™ gives, GOOGLE™ taketh away!

Hey Blogroll buddies, are you aware that your URLs don't exist? That's what GOOGLE™ was telling me. Who am I to question GOOGLE™?

Let's see, I still cannot add anymore pictures or URLs to my sidebar. Lest I make an "ass of you and me," I will not assume that the problem is being worked on by the Blogger™ Gods. I will take a leap of faith, however, that there are others who are experiencing this same problem.

Eventually, everyone will be using the new Beta Blogger. Presumably all the bugs will be worked out by then. I guess that makes those of who have already taken the plunge, sacrificial lambs!

On the subject of non-existent Blogs: from another computer I tried to visit my site and was promptly "told" that that URL could not be found. It's alarming to say the least, to discover that your hard work was for naught.

I have a theory about what is happening. No, it's not UFOs, Big Foot, or the Loch Ness Monster. It has nothing to do with global warming or holes in the Ozone Layer. No terrorist group is responsible.

We need look no farther than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That's right, it starts at the top! Unless you have been on a deserted isle or in a coma, you must be aware that there are many political jobs up for grabs between now and November of 2008. Whether it be the local yokels running for mayorial seats or governorships, or the rich elite with their own agendas vying for the Senate or Congress, the countless political signs and rhetoric will be soon littering and polluting our senses.

It won't be long before Dubya himself is out there touting the virtues of some clone of himself to take his place. Instead of trying to clean up the mess he has made of the world, he'll be out there sweeping it under the rug. While he was concentrating on imaginary WMDs, he paid little attention to the developing nuclear capabilities of Korea and Iran.

Of course, he paid no attention to them largely in part because he could not even pronounce nuclear. As far as he was concerned, the war on terrorism began and will end in Iraq and Afghanistan. We got Sadam, thus Iran is no longer a major problem. He fails to see that one day "another" Sadam will rise to power. He should know, after all we got rid of one Bush only to get stuck with another.

What has all this got to do with the recent GOOGLE™ gliches, you ask? Well, because of the "War on Terror" we are being watched. Our telephone calls, our e-mail, and even our Blogs are being monitored.

I live in constant fear everyday. Surely someday AARP, the BSA, the NAACP, the NFL, or some other powerful group is going to come down hard on me for some of the content of my Blogs. I even shudder that some insignificant organizations like the Secret Service, the FBI or even the CIA may even be reading my Blogs.

So heavy is the traffic caused by their prying eyes, that the servors of the Internet every where are getting over-taxed. Ah, the Republican party is smug, but also desperate. Screw the little fleas out there and their Blogs! Long live The Party!

Have you ever wondered about that sometimes enigmatic grin that curls Dubya's lip? It sort of reminds me of that shit-eating grin on the face of the Mona Lisa. He's looking at us common folks as an elephant would regard a flea on its testicles! Why does an elephant lick its balls?
....Two answers: 1) because he can; and 2) because he can't make a fist!

There's something else an elephant can do, and it's a trait shared by the President and his constituents. Do you want to know the secret of Dubya's sneaky grin? Guys, if you could this, you'd have a grin on your face too!

Are you sure you really want to know?

Scroll down for the secret.

Are you sure you want to know?

Do you really want to see this?

Are you prepared to see what Bush and his Republican pals can do ....

.... That you cannot do?

It's not too late. You can stop here now.

Too Late!

How does one keep a smug look on their face?

An elephant never forgets!

No.733