What the Cell?

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

Baddest Dog

A Day At the Zoo

What the cell? After talking on the phone earlier today, I started thinking about that indispensable device. It's odd that they still call it a telephone. The phone can be used in ways that Alexander Graham Bell could not have even imagined.

Telephones, like most of today's technological gadgets, have evolved over the years into multi-functional high-tech marvels. It has essentially become unrecognizable when compared to its descendants of yesteryear.

With the early wall phones you were connected to your party through a switchboard run by operators. The phone became more practical with the introduction of the candle stick models, but the phone lines were not private. Several customers may have been sharing a party line. It was inevitable that the pay phone would appear. (Try to find one today!) Rarer still is the once ubiquitous phone booth.

Although they were the size of walkie-talkies, the cordless phone was considered a scientific wonder in its day. Its push-button "dialing" signaled the slow death of the rotary dial.

When the plastic boon was in high gear, it didn't take long before we were introduced to the novelty phones. The Mickey Mouse phone was the first and most popular of the early novel phones. If someone could imagine it, it would be made into a telephone. I once had a '57 T-Bird phone.

Is it me, or have telephone poles all but disappeared except for the most rural areas? I remember speeding past them until there was the illusion that they were picket fences.

Technology has a way of evoking nostalgia more than the passage of time itself due to the seemingly unending advancements of all the gadgets designed to make our lives better. Hence the cellphone. With a cell phone we can take pictures with built-in cameras, we can send text messages, surf the internet, send and receive e-mail, play downloaded music, use them as alarm clocks, and oh yeah, did I mention you can even place and receive phone calls?

So there I was ruminating, "Why do we still call it a phone?" Since it bears no resemblance to its predecessors and has far more functions, why hasn't there been coined a more fitting and defining word for these devices?

If you happen to think of a name to replace 'telephone,' why don't you send me an e-mail, or text me, or, what the cell, call me!

No.1491

May I Be Frank?

Quite frankly, I have to be frank here.

Who was the person who told Frank Caliendo he was funny? Was it the same person who also told him that he could do good impersonations? Who convinced TBS to give him his own television program?

I must confess that I have not seen Frank TV and have no plans to tune in to his show. Indeed, I have seen more than enough of him already. Anyone who has been watching televised baseball games during the last three months or so knows from where I'm coming. He has been appearing in commercials touting his show at the end of practically every half inning of every game being aired since mid-summer.

In those bits he can be seen showcasing his minimal skills of impersonation and weak attempts of inducing laughter from the viewing audience. I wouldn't doubt that in those ads we have seen virtually his complete repertoire of voices; John Madden, Jack Nicholson, Dr. Phil, and of course, George W. Bush.

I remember Rich Little, the greatest impersonator of all time. Frank Caliendo, you are no Rich Little!

Many of those who read this post will not be familiar with Rich Little (pictured right) or probably never even heard of him. Mr. Little shared the sobriquet "The Man of a Thousand Voices" with Mel Blanc who voiced at one time nearly every cartoon character produced by Warner Brothers: (Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Foghorn Leghorn, etc.)

I realize that as beauty is in the face of the beholder, so to is humor in the ears of the listener. There must be some out there who find Frank Caliendo to be funny and also think his impersonations are commendable.

If you visit the official web site of Rich Little you can click on your choice of no less than 162 of his impersonations, which include politicians, TV and movie personalities, as well as cartoon characters. You can sample those voices at:

Rich Little.

I'll reiterate: Frank Caliendo, you're no Rich Little!

Rich Little recorded several of his skits. My favorite was "The Presidents' Card Game," in which he voices several of our former Presidents playing a game of poker. Last month I parodied it and added the Presidents elected after his recording and included the two current candidates. Some of Little's original is paraphrased in that post which can be found here:

Jokers With Poker Faces

I don't often use my blog to rant, but tonight I've made an exception. You see, I was watching game one of the ALCS between the surprising upstart Tampa Rays and the defending World Champion Boston Red Sox ... And there were those annoying Frank TV promotions!

I guess my biggest problem is not necessarily Frank Caliendo himself, but rather the almost constant bombardment by TBS of those ad spots.

◊ ◊ ◊
I have one more rant! It's about things happening during televised baseball games.

What's with those celebrity guests who are hired to sing the National Anthem before the game and "God Bless America" during the seventh inning stretch?

What makes some of them, especially Rappers and Hip-Hoppers, think they need to put their own personal spin on those patriotic songs? It infuriates me to no end to hear them in essence disrespect the songs.

SING THE F**KING SONGS THE WAY
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SUNG!

OK, I'm finished ranting. I feel better already!

No.1490

Monopoly Money Matters

House and Senate Check List

While the people of the world were holding their collective breaths awaiting the approval by the House and the Senate of President Bush's financial bailout plan, we wondered why it took so long for the measure to be approved.

I managed to procure a copy of the official check list used in both the Senate and the House of Representatives. (A copy of the document can be seen at the right.)

While the degree of initiative and protocol can be admired, it easy to see why it took so long for a vote of approval to be reached. In their own inevitable fashion, our law makers managed to waste a total of three hours. As yet here has been no explanation offered for the two one-hour breaks, as well as another hour for lunch.

Although a fact-finding committee has been assembled to study the inequity of time, I have determined why those three hours were wasted. It was simply a matter of vocabulary, or lack thereof to be more precise. It seems that no one in Washington was able to come up with three more synonyms of the word "nothing."

I am mailing a copy of the latest Roget's Thesaurus to our capitol, C.O.D., of course.

I find it appalling that the only solution to the financial crisis anyone could suggest was to come up with a $700 billion bailout plan! It was equally unsettling to think that the House and Senate were allowed to put their grimy fingerprints on the problem in the first place.

I submit The Hale Plan:

Rather than take control of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, or any other financial entity, I would have the Federal Reserve seize the assets of Parker Brothers. In particular, they would take over the Monopoly™ division. Overnight our Treasury Department would be the beneficiary of the game's liquidity; Parker Brothers prints $50 billion worth of Monopoly™ money each year.

The Treasury Dept. has the resources to easily print 10-fold that figure in one day, and by doubling the process could be generating $1 trillion. With that much money flowing into the economy, even the executives of AIG would be hard-pressed to find ways to spend it on weekend getaways and vacations.

As for our existing currency, those dollars would be turned over to Parker Brothers to be used to stock their Monopoly™ games. In time the government would divest itself of the company and allow Parker Brothers to return to private operations. Gone from the Monopoly™ game will be the familiar colored bills, replaced with $15,140 worth of useless greenbacks.

With The Hale Plan in effect, I won't be alone in conducting scavenger hunts in basements and attics looking for those old, no longer in use Monopoly™ games. Just think, every game contains $15,140 just waiting to be pumped back into our economy. (You won't even have to play that long, boring game either!)

What will you do with your new found windfall?

No.1489

Jack-O'-Bama

Why does Sarah Palin keep insisting on impersonating Tina Fey?

Be still my heart! What a fantastic debate that was between Obama and McCain! NOT!

What a masterful job of moderation by Tom Brokaw! NOT!

Is it my imagination that both Obama and McCain, if not afraid, are hesitant to get confrontational with each other in a public forum? I mean, they certainly have no problems firing salvos at each other in their campaign ads. Why not in person?

Imagine the conversations at the coffee stations and water fountains the next day if they debated with the same mud-slinging attitude as displayed in their ads.

Obama: Senator McCain, you old fart. You're a honky!

McCain: I was serving my country while you were learning to walk by watching the chickens in your back yard.

Obama: Yeah, whitey. How come you never learned anything from all that experience?

McCain: You're the only Muslim I know who gets a grin on his face every time he sees a watermelon!

Obama: I was getting my law degree while you were drinking free beer from your wife's beer distribution company.

McCain: At least my resume' includes military service. What does your say? Used hubcap salesman?

Brokaw: Gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, I'm the Moderator. You're supposed to be answering my questions.

Obama: Say, how'd you get this gig anyway?

McCain: Brokaw, you talk funny. You have the same speech instructor as Barbara Walters?

Obama: Yeah. It sounds like Ebonics on steroids.

All right, maybe my way isn't such a good idea. If that previous exchange had actually taken place, both Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton would be scrambling for the medicine chest for the nitro!


Even though it was a joke, I did learn something from Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin. I learned what kind of questions to ask when and if I ever interview someone.

What magazines do you read? (Palin: All of them.)

What view do you have from your house? (Palin: I can see Russia.)

Juneau the capital of Alaska? (Palin: Of course. It's "A.")

Note to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton - this is a PARODY. So don't get your BVDs in a bunch!

No.1488

Where There's Smokey, There's Fire

Mrs. Bear never asked to go fishing with Smokey again.
What if they gave a debate deep in the woods and nobody was there to hear what they said, would they say anything of interest?

That's what a lot of people are asking about the last McCain-Obama debate. Chances are they'll be asking the same questions after tonight's debate.

Think the recent bank and market crashes are far-reaching?
Perhaps more far-reaching than you realize!

Thanks to the following, which I lifted from Phils Phun, I learned that the Japanese have affected more than I would have imagined:

Jap Banks in Trouble Too

It just gets worse. Uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector:

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank has had to cut its staff in half.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal!

How will the $700 Billion bailout plan work?
Dubya explains it in layman's terms.

...And be sure to "bear" in mind:


No.1487

uʍop ǝpısdn

˙pɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ uo ƃuıpuɐʇs ǝɹɐ noʎ `sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ noʎ ɟı
...Or your monitor is upside down!

With all the interest in the recent debate between the Vice Presidential candidates I began wondering about the origins of the practice of debating.

Were the Greeks, who invented democracy, the first to openly debate? Or was it the Romans who refined the art of argument?

Perhaps debating began in the Garden of Eden:

Adam and Eve are about to go out for the evening. Adam looks upon Eve and sees that she is wearing only three of the tiniest of strategically placed leaves.

"You're not going out dressed like that!" Adam said to her.

She answered, "Why not? What's wrong with this outfit?"

"Look at you! You're practically naked!" he exclaimed.

"You gotta be kidding me, numb nuts. I'm always naked."

"That's my point," he countered. "That's the way we're supposed to dress."

"Hey! You're one to talk." She pointed at him and added, "Why are you wearing that big palm leaf down there? And why is it moving up and down?"

"Uh, if you're going to dress like that, it's making my imagination run wild."

"Hmph! You don't need a leaf that big to hide your ... imagination!"

The end result of that first debate would find the couple turning over some new leaves.

◊ ◊ ◊
After surfing around I managed to find the earliest recorded debate:

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

¡uʍop ǝpısdn sı plɹoʍ ǝɥʇ

No.1486

Better Early Than Never

Sunday POODLE DOODLES

World War I Ace

The Mole Hunter


I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It's not like I haven't seen it before. Indeed it's the same thing every year!

It started last Sunday, 9/28, that some of the stores started putting out their goods for Halloween. (Avoid the rush! There are only 34 shopping days until Halloween!)

Yeah, right! Like I want to be the first in my neighborhood to start eating the candy I stocked up on for Halloween. It's a conspiracy. They want you to buy it early, eat it and then have to buy some more to replace it. By starting so early, the store may benefit from those of us who will have to replace the candy a second - or Heaven forbid - even a third time!

I didn't fall for their underhanded marketing. No sir, not me!

Well, I did buy three six packs of these @ $1.99 each.

Hey, it was a great buy! Besides, these are my favorite candy bars. It's not like these will be given out to those little costumed mooching trick-or-treaters! Uh-uh! No way!

So you see, this doesn't count that I bought Halloween candy early.

These retail establishments aren't ever satisfied. On Wednesday, 10/1, one store had condensed the Halloween displays to make room for the first of the Christmas goods! (Avoid the rush! There are only 86 shopping days until Christmas!)

I didn't fall for that ploy either. Besides, the Reese's Christmas Tree candy is not available yet.

I suppose I should start digging out some of my handmade Halloween crafts. The broom-riding witch at the left stands 24-inches high. The tallest pumpkin (right) is 18-inches tall. Like most of the crafts I used to make, these were drawn onto a piece of 3/4" pine and cut out with a scroll saw before being painted and protected with a couple of coats clear water-base varnish.

How can you tell if a Vampire is a Southerner?

They put salt on everything before they bite into it!

Maybe they should just combine the holidays...

...Into one and get them over with!

No.1485

O.J. Can You See

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

Home Improvements

The Jacket


LAS VEGAS - In a city where luck means everything, O.J. Simpson came out the big loser — and his unlucky number in a case full of bizarre twists was 13.

He was convicted of an armed robbery that happened on Sept. 13 and was found guilty on the 13th anniversary of his Los Angeles murder acquittal of all 12 counts against him. The Las Vegas jury deliberated for 13 hours after a 13-day trial. He could be sentenced to life in prison.

O.J., Can You See?
And then, as only the sobs of Simpson's sister broke the silence late Friday, the lights went out.

Court marshals flipped on flashlights and shouted for everyone to stay seated. Only the judge knew what had happened. It was 11 p.m. and the courthouse lights had shut down automatically.

"Timed out," Judge Jackie Glass said in a fitting epitaph for the story of O.J. Simpson, which has long haunted America.

The 61-year-old Hall of Fame football star was convicted of kidnapping, armed robbery and 10 other charges for gathering five men a year ago and storming a room at a hotel-casino to seize Simpson sports mementos — including game balls, plaques and photos — from two collectors. Prosecutors said two of the men with him were armed; one said Simpson had asked him to bring a gun.

It's ironic that a man who got away with cold-blooded murder would finally be put away over some sports memorabilia!

O.J., can you see that it was your arrogance that finally brought you down?

O.J., can you see that the penitentiary only sells soap on a rope?

O.J., can see when they turn out the prison light,
Who's poking your behind in the middle of the night?

No.1484

4 Cycles of Life

We are bound by the calendar, slaves to the clock in a world where we are expected to do something five minutes ago. I once had an office manager who operated like that.

I remember one time when he dropped a report on my desk for me to look over. He said, "After you read it, call me ASAP."

Fifteen minutes later I called him in his office. When he answered I said, "You are a sap."

It doesn't matter how hard we try to control time, in the end we must succumb to its passage. That office manager didn't say I should use brevity to get back to him. "As Soon As Possible" afforded me some leeway. I could have taken my sweet time and claimed that I called at the first possible chance.

There would have been more of a sense urgency had he said, 'After you read it, call me PDQ ', or 'After you read it, call me RFN.'

(The clock pictured at the left was one I made for my wife several years ago. Hmmm ... It's been two weeks and I still haven't replaced the battery.)

Glancing up at the clock on the wall I noticed there were four wooden hearts representing four 15 minute parts of an hour. You know, the number four comes up a lot in our lives. There are are 4 quarters in a dollar, 4 quarters in a fiscal year, and the interest in my savings account is compounded quarterly.

This time of the year are no less than 4 NFL games aired on TV - and a regulation game consists of 4 quarters! There are about 4 weeks in each month. The Olympics: the Summer Olympics are played every 4 years, as are the Winter Olympics.

Every 4 years there is a Leap Year and February is rewarded by having a 29th day added. Alas and alack, Leap Year also means that every 4 years the Presidential elections dominate the news ... but you knew that!

Before you ask, I haven't a clue what's the idea behind all those "interesting" points about the number 4! I'm sure you must be sitting in front of the screen waiting and squirming for me to get to the point.

Well, the point is this: There is no point!

I will make this point:



I finally sat down and watched a DVD I bought this past Tuesday:
Iron Man
In the genre of Super Hero movies, Iron Man ranks right up there with the Spider Man movies. It's a great actioner.

It's almost 10PM here on the East Coast. It's time to settle in front of the TV again and to watch the second game of the ALDS and root the Red Sox on to a victory and a 2-0 lead in the best-of-five series against the Los Angeles Angels at Anaheim.

That clock ... I finally changed the battery!

No.1483

Island of Misfit Pols

The weather started getting rough, the institutions were tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Economy would be lost.
You can change the faces and you can change the names, but the story remains the same. What with the elections and the economic meltdown, it has been the stuff of Sit-Com scripts. To be more accurate, reality has been more like a situation-government.

If a Sit-Com is bad, it gets canceled. If a Sit-Gov is bad, we are stuck with it. Next, there is the inevitable reruns or worse yet, the dreaded sequels and spin-offs.

It would be a natural fit to cast the current principals into the roles of the castaway characters in a remake of Gilligan's Island. What roles would they play in our new series? I can picture Obama as the mate, Gilligan. McCain as the skipper is a no-brainer. George Bush as Thurston Howell and Nancy Pelosi as Lovie work for me. Sarah Palin is she - Ginger or Maryanne? We'll put Pickles as the other one. That leaves the professor ... Cheney perhaps.

Maybe those principals above could make it to the big screen too. I hear a live action remake of a holiday cartoon is the works with the working title, The Island of Misfit Pols. I know what you're thinking: Dubya has got to be the "Bush in the Box."

Before you know it, they are all box office idols and get to star in their own TV series.

That Girl - Sarah Palin

Good Times - Barack Obama (as J.J. Evans)

Mr. Magoo - John McCain

Hogan's Heroes - Al Gore (as Col. Hogan), George W. Bush (as Sgt. Hans Schultz)

Cheers - Sam (Bill Clinton), Norm (Ted Kennedy), Cliff (Joe Biden)

The Rifleman - Dick Cheney (as Lucas McCain)

All in the Family - Archie (John McCain), Edith (Hillary Clinton), Meathead (Barack Obama), Gloria (Cindy McCain)

The weather started getting rough, the institutions were tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Economy would be lost.
The economy would be lost.

No.1482

Autumn Traditions

Depending on where you live and to whom you talk, Autumn can mean a lot of things to different people: back to school; sunflowers; football; colorful foliage; pumpkins; Halloween, etc.

When my daughter was young, Autumn meant - apple picking. It was a family tradition. It was a wonderful, fun way to spend a mid to late September weekend day. We were fortunate to have a dozen or more orchards within a two-hour drive of our home. It seems that Johnny Appleseed was generous when he spread his seeds throughout Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Vermont.

To me, apple picking meant manna from heaven. I knew that our booty would soon yield gastronomical delights. Sunday mornings was always the one day that I would sleep in late, but the aroma of apple pies baking in the oven would have me rising earlier that I wished. Our kitchen, transformed into a bakery, would be emanating a bouquet of baked apples, fried apple rings, apple muffins, you name it. Add some vanilla ice cream or whipped cream to the mix and you have creature comforts to soothe the beast.

Alas, things change; traditions die. We don't go apple picking because we tired of it. No, we ceased the practice because of the cost. The cost of running and maintaining apple orchards has risen quite a bit over the years and that cost has been passed on to the consumer, in spite of the fact we are doing the harvesting. For the last three or four years it has been cheaper to buy apples at the super markets.

When the fun and enjoyment are gone, traditions die.

Etymology - the study of word origins.

It can be interesting to learn the source of words that form our English language. I thought I'd tap into my special dictionary, "Fractured Etymology," and research the origin of the word autumn.

I tracked the word down and found it to be attributed to an old Shoshone tribal chief.

His young grandson noticed the leaves changing color and falling from the trees and was confused. He asked his grandfather, "What does it mean?"

The chief, a man of few words replied, "Oughtum get cold soon."

Following is list of words from the last post featuring words from the Fractured Etymology series:


-1. Aftermath - When I had English class
-2. Analogy - Life story of an asshole
-3. Autopilot - One of the stars of the movie "Airplane"
-4. Benign - What an 8-year-old will be on next birthday
-5. Bombadier - Use grenades to kill Bambi
-6. Brouhaha - Giggles from drinking too much beer
-7. Budget - What Yoda says when he needs another beer
-8. Catch-22 - A bust when playing Blackjack
-9. Commercial - What Hershel's mother says when dinner is ready
10. Controvertible - Sedan
11. Donate - The past tense of donut
12. Elixir - What a man does after he kisses that low
13. Ennui - Where tears form
14. Experiment - The hardened wads of gum found under counter tops
15. Feline - Where you wait for hours to pay your registration
16. Forgo - What you do after foreplay
17. Hortense - How the hooker felt when she was busted
18. Larceny - Posting "The Far Side" cartoons against cartoonist's wishes
19. Minuscule - Kindergarten
20. Oxymoron - The dude who sells Oxy cleaner on those Infomercials
21. Pasteurize - Where your eyebrows are found
22. Piston - Much worse than pistoff
23. Rectum - What happened to the cars in a head-on collision
24. Rhubarb - Ru Paul's sister who dresses up as a man
25. Voluptuary - Where Victoria's Secret models live.

No.1481