Toilet Tweeting

The following are away messages to use with your instant messaging or when on your Tweeter account while you are in the bathroom.

Nature is calling and I'm answering! HELP! I'm trapped in the toilet, I fell in. Can you please help me... Hello... Hello.. Uh-oh, I think someone is coming. I'm taking advantage of indoor plumbing! I'll be right back! Doctors suggest that you should drink at least 64 oz. of water a day. Being a drone, I make sure to do this. Unfortunately it does have some side effects... Leave a message, I'll be back soon. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ If your wondering where the P is... its about to run down my leg in a second. When you gotta go, you gotta go! I am not here. I'm on the potty, but don't leave if you're a hottie. I'm in a foreign land far far away... Oh wait, this is just the bathroom. Making an offering to the porcelain god... be back in about 20 minutes. I'm in the bathroom right now...Be back in a splash. Drop me a message while I drop something in the toilet! I'm feeding the potty, please leave a message and I'll get back to you when its full! King(or Queen) (your name) is on the throne. Making my bladder gladder. I have to run cause I got the runs. Making my bladder flatter. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. Fiber cleans everything but the toilet. Doody calls. Rub-a-dub-dub there better not be three men in my tub. Somewhere over the toilet. I'm at the bank making a deposit, no not that kind of bank, I'm on the toilet. You know the expression, "I have to pee like a race horse?" That's what I'm doing right now. Making big waves in the toilet. I'm making a donation to tha urination station. Swish, swish, goes the pee. Plop, plop, goes the poop. I'm in the bathroom! How dry I am. How wet I'll be. If I don't find, The bathroom key. You know you are addicted to the internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. Pee is yellow, dooty is brown, when the sewer brakes, its all over the town. You ever think the white toilet paper is boring? Yeah me too, I'm going go add some color to it. Sometimes we like it up and down and sometimes we like it back and forth and it only takes about two minutes to do, but it feels great so maybe you should go brush your teeth too. There is a place... Like no other place... A place of learning... A place of hope... A place of warmth... A place of security... A place of healing... A place of relaxation... A place of love... And no matter what, a part of you is always left behind. You've guessed it. I'm on the can. Visiting the greatest nation is the world... Urination. I'm draining my fluids. In about 5 minutes I will weigh about 5 pounds less than I do right now. Be right back I am feeding the toilet its dinner. I am disposing some of my natural resources. I'm trying out my new toilet paper. Drop me a message while I drop something in the toilet. Doing some consulting with my toilet right now. I am going to the potty so don't leave if your a hottie. You have to hold it, because I can't any longer. Reigning on my throne. Doody called and now we're having a long conversation in the bathroom. I'm magically changing the color of the toilet water. Happiness is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. Making a sacrifice to the toilet god. I'm at the Log Dropping Ceremonies. Seeing if there really are 1000 sheets of toilet paper in each roll. Gone pissin' Feeding the toilet. Hey I am relieving myself, I'll be back when its all over. If you sprinkle when you tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat! I'm taking a dump at the moment so if its not too much trouble just dump a message on the screen. The bathroom is a good place to be, When you just drank a gallon of water! I am probably far away in another land.....or I just might be on the toilet. The average person goes to the bathroom 6 times per day. This is one of those times. Sorry I'm not here at my computer at the present moment, but I am on the toilet. If you would like to come over and bring me some toilet paper that would be greatly appreciated. It's "Potty Time." How dry I am, how wet I'll be, if you don't stop, IMing me. You got offline, now I'm heading for the door... oops it's to late...it's on the bathroom floor. If you are reading this then that means I have gone to a better place... yep I am on the toilet. I'm off to the urination station. I am taking care of some business, that just happens to be taken care of in a small room with a tub and toilet. Be back in a flush... I mean flash. I am currently relieving the stress that's on my bladder. I'm stuck in the potty. Riding the porcelain pony. Here I sit all down-hearted. Paid a dime to shit, but only farted.

№ 1804

Punishing Puns

I know what you're thinking. What did you ever do to me that would have me PUN-ishing you with the following PUN-gent post featuring nothing but PUNs? I guess it means I'm a PUN-dit of PUNs.

Just who is responsible for these horrible plays on words anyway? I would put the blame squarely on the shoulders of Julius Caesar. Of course, Willie Shakespeare was busy gorging himself on a plate of bangers whilst doing research for his play about the Roman Emperor's tragic demise. He screwed up that climactic assassination by inserting misplaced dialogue into the scene.

For your edification, I give you the correct scenario that yielded Julie Caesar's famous words:

You see it was on the day of the big annual carnival which was known as the "Rides of March." After grabbing himself something to eat at the barbecue pit Caesar ran into old friend Brutus. They shot the shit for awhile and checked out all the babes in their tight togas.

As he'd already eaten, he turned down the offer to join Brutus to get something to eat saying to him that he'd already eaten.

Said Brutus, "I heard the hamburgers are really good. Did you have any?"

(You know what's coming, don't you?)
To which Caesar replied, " Et two, Brute."

So be prepared to giggle or gag - depending on your intestinal PUN-itude.

□ □ - Two German lads named Hans and Fritz were walking gingerly along a narrow mountain ridge with their mother close behind. Below them was a drop of five thousand feet.

- Fritz suddenly discovered that their mother had disappeared. He called up to his brother, "Look Hans - no mom."

□ □ - An East German sausage maker sent a package to his son who was going to school in the U.S.

- When his son wrote informing him that the package had never arrived, the man cabled back to him, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come!"

□ □ - During the Revolutionary War a British soldier, seeking food for his fellow troops, tripped inside of a well-stock chicken coop. He fell heavily to onto the floor, whereupon he was pinned down by a belligerent Rhode Island Red rooster.

A Chinese cook employed by the American colonist owners came upon the scene, chuckled and said,

- "Chicken catch a Tory."

□ □ - The Maharajah of an Indian province once decreed that no wild animals could be killed by the populace. Soon the province was overrun by man-eating tigers, elephants and boars. The long-suffering people finally could stand it no longer and gave the Maharajah the heave-ho.

- It was was the first instance on record where the reign was called on account of game.

□ □ - A San Antonio restaurateur has this printed atop the dessert list on his menus:

- "Remember the ala mode."

□ □ - A farmer had an ambitious son who went to New York to make his fortune. The breaks were against him, however, and he ended up as a bootblack at the Kennedy airport.

- The father continued to work his farm - he makes hay while the son shines.

□ □ - A Texas rancher who lived in a home on the range, is suing for divorce.

- It seems he found his dear and an interloper playing.

□ □ - A poker-loving spiritualist needed another player for a Saturday-night session and summoned the ghost of a departed companion. The ghost was delighted to sit in on the game, and on the very first hand drew five hearts. He bet his stack.

- Unfortunately, one of the flesh-and-blood players had a pat full house and raked in the pot - just one more time when the spirit was willing but the flush was weak.

□ □ - A policeman, responding to a call of a domestic dispute, arrived on the scene to find the husband unconscious on the floor. The wife admitted to hitting him on the noggin with a heavy glass pitcher.

- He said to his partner, "That's one lady who conks to stupor."

□ □ - Of all of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, there was one who is often overlooked in history. No less gallant than his more famous companions, Sir Marmaduke performed many a deed of derring-do. Unlike his brethren, this knight did not ride atop a mighty horse, choosing instead to gallop into battle mounted on a St. Bernard dog.

One evening during the Crusades, he and his mount were caught in a torrential thunderstorm. Seeking shelter at a nearby tavern, they were asked by the room clerk, "Have you a reservation?"

"No," admitted Sir Marmaduke.

"Sorry," said the clerk, "no room without a reservation." It was at that moment that the clerk discovered that Marmaduke was sitting astride his faithful St. Bernard.

"Hold on," said the clerk, "I'll see if I can find something for you."

- "I wouldn't put out a knight on a dog like this."

№ 1801

Flushing Out Some Laughs

"I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes!" -- Andy Rooney
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A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other,

"There is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"

The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."

The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"

The second man says, "No, sorry!"

The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.

The man tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."

The little boy looks up at the man and says, "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries."

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
Price Check

When Jane reached the check-out, she learned that one of her items ad no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 12, TAMPAX (Tampons), SUPERSIZE."

If that was bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks".

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a HAMMER?"

№ 1800

Taliban Broadcasting Company

(The following was received in an e-mail. No source was given. I don't know who wrote this, but I wish I could take credit for it.)


The Taliban Broadcasting Company (TBC) is pleased to announce its 2009 Fall television schedule. The TBC prides itself in bringing to Islam the best in wholesome family entertainment. Our programming is dedicated to our fallen suicide bombers who gave their lives for you in the name of Allah.


All shows brought to you by Texaco...!

"You can trust your Suburban to the man who wears the Turban!"

MONDAY:
0800-Husseinfeld
0900-Mad About Everything
0930-Monday Night Stoning
1000-Win Bin Laden's Money
1030-Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
0800-Wheel of Terror
0830-The Price is Right~If Osama Says So
0900-Children R Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
0930-Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
1000-Osama Who's U'r Mama?

WEDNESDAY:
0800-Tales from the Koran
0830-When Kurds Attack
0900-1,000,000 Things I Hate About You
0930-Just Shoot Them!
1000-Vielwatch
1100-This 'Ol Cave

THURSDAY:
0800-Fatima Loves Chachi
0830-M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900-Saddams' Island
0930-Married with 169 Children
1000-Eye 4 an Eyewitness News

FRIDAY:
0800-Spongeallah Squareturban
0830-Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900-TeleTalibans
1000-Camel 54, Where R U?
1100-My Favorite WMD
1200-Beat The Press

SATURDAY:
0800-Judge Jihad
0830-Suddenly Sanctions
0900-Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist?
0930-Better Caves & Gardens
1000-No Witness News

SUNDAY:
0800-My 333 Sons
0830-Osama Knows Best
0900-I Dream of Mohammed
0930-Let's Mecca Deal
1000-The Kabul Hillbillies
1100-The Christian Beheading Network

№ 1799

Early Man: the Fuggin' Truth

Anthropology - the study of ancient man.

Paleo-blog-ology - the act of lifting material from one's archives and posting it as new material.

(The following was originally posted on 3/5/06.)

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Little is known today of prehistoric man's life. We have learned a lot about our ancestor from his fossil remains. We have an idea of how he coped with his savage world by his crude tools that he left behind.

Lost with the passage of time is how he interacted with the others of his species. One can only wonder how many arguments took place between the inhabitants of neighboring caves.

"Say Fug, you finished using that sharp piece of flint I loaned you last week?" Glug asked his next door neighbor one day. "I just bagged a mastodon. I need it so I can cut off a couple of steaks for supper."

"I returned it the next day, Glug."

Whether it was returned or not we may never know. There was an inevitable falling out between the neighbors. The friendship ended when Glug broke his favorite club over Fug's head.

The blow to the head affected Fug so severely that he began to have strange thoughts. He began to wonder about the world around him. Among these genuine signs of awareness, Fug wondered why Glug's thud was bigger than his. He wondered why Glug's wife had bigger boom-booms than his own wife. He would never know it, but Fug had unwittingly invented jealousy.

Later that day Fug carried his wife to the edge of the precipice and threw her to the canyon floor. He had just invented divorce. He documented this act by the paintings he put on the living room wall of his cave. Shown above, the world's first comic strip was also the first known example of graffiti.

Forced to return to the dating scene, Fug did manage to pickup a few women. If his attempts at small talk failed, he returned to the time-tested clubbing method. In doing so, he invented one night stands. He had been working on a few things to say to the females when he met them. That's right, Fug invented pick-up lines.

His favorite line was to first point to himself and then to her and say, "Fug ... You!" Eventually this line came to be a less than dignified one, unless it was preceded by "I want to." In time Fug began to draw pictures of his conquests onto dried animal skins and hang them on the wall above his head. Yes, you guessed it, he also invented the pinup.

When he realized he liked looking at the pictures, he got the idea to make copies of them to sell to his fellow cavemen. His project failed, but an ascendant of his would become very rich with the same idea five thousand years hence. In a way, he was responsible for pornography.

On one particularly cold evening he was rubbing one of his drawings over his crotch, probably afraid they would freeze off! The piece of leather rubbing across this area felt so good he began to rub harder and faster. Inexplicably a spark flew and ignited his pile of pictures at the very instant he felt release. In that one moment he had both discovered fire and had also invented masturbation. It must have felt fuggin' good, because it became a regular practice - even to this day.

Fug was also the inventor of card games. At first they played only clubs. Hearts was too messy. Spades hadn't been invented yet. Diamonds had yet to be discovered. What would become a common practice eons later, Fug would have friends over for a game of poker. Their version of the game of poker had the winner getting to sleep with the other's wife, and that's how the game got its name. (Yup, he got to poke her!) Fug had, once again unbeknownst to himself, invented something - wife swapping.

Although it is probably lost forever in the deep underbelly of cyberspace, Fug had also invented the Blug. His Blug would become the the forerunner of the modern day Blog. His diary, under the title of "Fug ... Me," if stumbled across would be called the Holy Grail of web sites.

In his own words, that blow to the head probably fuggin' hurt like hell. He was certainly one fugged up Neanderthal to his neighbors. You will find this posting hard to believe and will scoff at its authenticity, I'm sure.

If Fug was here to speak for me he would just shrug and say, "Fug you, it's the fuggin' truth!"

№ 1796

Sexual Preferences

The openness of sex in today's world has become a heated debate for many. Where once the practice of sex and discussion of it were kept behind closed doors, it has now become an open forum. You don't have to go far to hear about sex. Whether it is in the news, in TV programs, movies, or music, sex often has center stage.

We are all familiar with the terms heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. Those three have been the standards by which we have long classified sex. However, over the years there has been a growing list of persuasions which won't fit into those categories. Perceived as fetishes and perversions by many, they are going to be popping up in the mainstream soon enough.

With the following lists of sexual persuasions, perhaps you can find some resolution to the Sexual Revolution.

Normal Preferences

• Autosexual - prefers sex in back seat of cars
• Hyposexual - prefers to be on the bottom
• Monosexual - prefers sex with one partner, monogamous
• Retrosexual - prefers rear entry (doggy style)
• Solosexual - prefers sex alone, no partner
• Supersexual - prefers to be on top

Kinky (Out of the Ordinary)

• Aerosexual - is a member of the Mile-High Club
• Alphasexual - has sex with first person they meet
• Aquasexual - prefers sex in bathtubs or pools
• Carpesexual - siezes the moment to have sex
• Combosexual - has sex with one male and one female (threesome)
• Countersexual - prefers sex on kitchen counters, tabletops
• Ectosexual - prefers sex outdoors
• Heliosexual - likes sex in tanning booths
• Omegasexual - has sex with the last person they meet
• Omnisexual - will have sex anywhere, everywhere
• Patiosexual - has sex on porches, verandas on lawn furniture
• Pseudosexual - both partners have sex with clothes on (dry sex)
• Stereosexual - has sex wearing headphones listening to heavy metal
• Trisexual - has sex with two partners of opposite gender
• Trysexual - will try anything

Abnormal Preferences

• Antisexual - does not like sex
• Buysexual - pays for sex
• Cybersexual - has computer sex, usually via cams
• Enigmasexual - never knows names of partners
• Hypersexual - has overactive sex life
• Jumbosexual - prefers sex with overweight partners
• Moolahsexual - performs sex for money
• Multisexual - has many partners
• Rotosexual - prefers sex with plumbers, gets excited seeing butt cracks
• Triskadekasexual - prefers sex thirteen times a week
• Whosexual - has sex then asks for name of partner
• Videosexual - records self having sex

Weird Preferences

• Arachnisexual - has sex wearing Spiderman suit
• Archeosexual - likes sex at ruin sites
• Astrosexual - prefers sex on astro-turf
• Biosexual - uses anatomy pictures as foreplay
• Carnisexual - prefers sex with carnival workers
• Histrisexual - has partner dress up as historical figures
• Lottosexual - draws name from a hat and has sex with winner
• Paleosexual - likes sex dressed as Barney
• Pogosexual - partners bounce on pogo sticks nude - foreplay
• Pyrosexual - prefers sex in front of fireplace, campfire
• Radiosexual - likes sex near nuclear power plants
• Rectosexual - has sex only on the right side of bed
• Twistasexual - plays Twister in the nude as foreplay

Sick/Demented Preferences

• Agrisexual - has sex using vegetables and fruits
• Bonzosexual - gets sexually aroused watching Ronald Reagan films
• Bozosexual - prefers sex partners to wear clown suits
• Carnosexual - has sex while eating raw meat
• Electrosexual - likes sex with live electrodes attached to various body parts
• Equusexual - likes saddles on back while partner rides using a crop
• Harisexual - likes sex with Hari Krishnas in airports
• Hari-Karisexual - has sex with Hari Krishna then evicerates self
• Harposexual - prefers sex with mutes, will settle for mimes
• Idiosexual - prefers sex with idiots
• Jackosexual - likes sex with little boys, a pedophile
• Judosexual - uses martial arts during sex, seldom has repeat partner
• Pachysexual - wears elephant underwear and likes to swing his trunk
• Psychosexual - craves sex with crazy people, dream date would be Norman Bates
• Quasisexual - prefers sex with humpbacks

There are many more strange sexual preferences out there, but I have only just scratched the surface. I have given you a good starter list to prepare you for the day these become commonplace.

What ever happened to whipped cream?

If you should decide to dabble in any of the above, other than those considered normal, I don't really want to know. My advice is that you keep it behind closed doors. (Of course, if you wish to provide video - well, that's another story.)

№ 1795

7 Kinds of Sex, Etc.

7 Kinds of Sex
(1) Smurf Sex
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

(2) Kitchen Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

(3) Bedroom Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

(4) Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

(5) Religious Sex
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Most Popular)

(6) Courtroom Sex
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

(7) Social Security Sex
You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

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On some women, stretch pants have no choice.


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A teacher was trying to broach the subject of sex with her grade-school students and asked them if they had ever seen anything related to it.

A girl raised her hand and said she'd seen a movie about a woman having a baby.

"That's a good example," said the teacher.

Then another raised her hand and told the teacher she'd watched a TV show about people getting married.

"Well, yes, that has to do with sex too," she said to the class.

Then little Johnny raised his hand and said he'd once seen a western movie in which savage Indians come riding over a hill, and John Wayne shoots half of them.

"The teacher said to him, "Well, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education."

"Yes it does," the boy replied. "It taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne!"

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The cure for love at first sight is often to take a sober look.


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A woman who was in labor started screaming profanities at her husband.

"Hey, don't blame me," he shouted back. "I wanted to put in your ass, and you said that would hurt."

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№ 1794

As the Stomach Turns

You are watching the boob tube and you begin to crave something for a snack. The minute the commercial break begins you are off in a flash to the kitchen. Your goal? Where else but the refrigerator, that repository for those culinary delights known as leftovers which you plan to make sure that there soon will be no "left-afters."

Wait a minute! What is this? It's unrecognizable. You wonder what it once was. No, you don't want to know what it was. You open a sealed Tupperware container. P-U! What is that awful smell? What in the world is that fuzzy hairy looking stuff?

Need help identifying the food in your fridge? How can you tell if it is safe to eat? As a public service I offer you the following:

A Rule-Of-Thumb Guide on What to Pitch and What to Save

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled.

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you OPEN them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

№ 1792

Naked and Raw: A Medical Dictionary

Sometimes to get the creative juices flowing, it helps to be unencumbered by clothing. It allows one to contemplate the navel. Belly button lint aside, one cannot help but to think about things anatomical.

Now don't you go getting all hot and bothered! This post has nothing to do with explicit sex or things carnal.

When I recently had to spend some time in the hospital, I was barraged with a plethora of confusing medical terms. Like legal terminology, "doctor-ese" can be quite onerous to a patient and his or her family.

I got hold of the latest edition of a medical dictionary and decided to perform some serious surgery on the entries found therein. As an aid to future patients, I offer the following compendium of medical terms.

Be very afraid if you see this issue of a medical dictionary in your doctor's office.

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Alimentary: Sherlock Holmes' favorite word.

Alkaline: Baseball player who played for the Detroit Tigers.

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What the families do when patients die.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Blood Count: Dracula.

Cardioplasty: The act of paying with American Express.

Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan: Searching for kitty.

Cauterize: (1) Made eye contact with her. (2) To recite lines from "Welcome Back, Kotter."

Chemo: A poplular style of pants.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Colon: First name of General Powell.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Concussion: Bad language from an inmate.

Cranium: A museum for construction equipment.

D & C: Where Washington is.

Dilate: To live long.

Duodenum: Two pairs of dungarees.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: (1) Quicker than someone else. (2) Addams Family uncle.

Fibula: A small lie.

Flat Line: Road kill on a safari route.

Fibrillate: A lie explaining why one is tardy.

Genital: Non-Jewish person.

G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.

Gland: Chinese for one thousand.

Gout: Southern command to leave (Get out!)

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

IV: (1)Roman number 4, (2)Greenery that grows on walls.

Keratosis: Allergy to rabbit food.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Lumbar: (1) Wood cut from fallen trees. (2) Actress loved by actor Gable.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: Was aware of.

Optic Nerve: A characteristic of a voyeur.

Organ: A state on the west coast.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.

Paralyze: Not one but two falsehoods.

Parasites: Choice of two places to meet.

Pelvis: A nickname given to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Darn near killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Stool: A seat in a barroom.

Surgeon: A fish that is source for caviar.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor: More than one.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

Varicose: Nearby, close by.

Vein: Conceited.

Ward: Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver's father.

№ 1790

Harmony in the Economy

Stock Market Terminology
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later this year.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R Grace Co. will merge and become ~~ Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Saltines join forces and become ~~ Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become ~~ MMM Good.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Defasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ~~ ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become ~ ~ FedUp.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become~~Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become ~~ Knott NOW.

8. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name~~ TittytittyBangBang.

9. Simplicity Patterns and publishing giant Simon & Schuster will be known as~~Simple Simon

10. A merger of the Bush Bean Co. and Maria Callendar Foods will produce~~Same Shit Different Day

№ 1789

Baby Boomer Bummers

One Foot on a Banana Peel ...

Over the Hill ...

Out to Pasture ...

Old enough to know better, but too old to do it better ...

Have you heard these phrases and realized they were being used in reference to you?

What's that, you say? They aren't talking about you? They must be talking about somebody else.

Really?

Then why not scroll down the following list to see if you just might be a victim of the Baby Boomer Bummers:

⌂ - It takes you an hour to undress ... and another to remember why.

⌂ - You think "libido" is an Italian pasta.

⌂ - When people ask you what your favorite food is, you tell them "soft."

⌂ - You keep repeating yourself.

⌂ - You sit down to breakfast and hear "Snap, Crackle and Pop," and you haven't poured milk on your cereal yet!

⌂ - Your Pharmacist calls you by your first name.

⌂ - You join a "mall-walking" league.

⌂ - Your underwear starts creeping up on you ... and you enjoy it!

⌂ - You find music videos too suggestive ... But you can't remember exactly what they are suggestive of.

⌂ - You start wondering why they started printing everything in smaller type.

⌂ - The clothes you've been saving 'till they come back in style' have come back in style.

⌂ - It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

⌂ - You keep repeating yourself.

⌂ - You start beating everyone else at Trivia games.

⌂ - You think of a "quickie" as napping at a traffic light.

⌂ - Conversations with people your age often turn into "Dueling Ailments."

⌂ - During sex you fantasize you're with someone else.

⌂ - During sex you fantasize you're someone else.

⌂ - You wake up with that awful "morning after" feeling ... and you didn't do anything the night before.

⌂ - You notice that joggers are passing you ... while you're driving.

⌂ - You keep repeating yourself.

⌂ - Your favorite song is playing in the elevator.

⌂ - You begin to think that a few more handfuls of cologne or perfume "couldn't hurt."

⌂ - Your new easy chair has more power options than your car.

⌂ - What's "good" for you either gives you diarrhea or constipation.

⌂ - When among friends at a party, regularity is considered an acceptable topic of discussion.

⌂ - Your childhood toys are selling on e-Bay for more money than you have in your savings account.

⌂ - You light the candles on your birthday cake and everyone starts singing "Kumbaya."

⌂ - You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

⌂ - You get a telephone call at 9 p.m. and they ask, "Did I wake you?"

⌂ - Your car battery goes dead because your turn signal was on for two weeks straight.

⌂ - You send money to PBS.

⌂ - You start believing that you really did walk five miles to school in the snow.

⌂ - You are obsessed with the thermostat.

⌂ - When you talk about "good grass" you're referring to the neighbor's lawn.

⌂ - You keep repeating yourself.

⌂ - Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.

⌂ - The only reason you're ever up past midnight is because of indigestion.

⌂ - You find Blog posts like this one tasteless and insensitive!

№ 1788

Redneck Doings

I've started this post with some redneck doings listed state by state:

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head".

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .'

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered proudly, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

----------------------------------------
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair... I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' f**k."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to f**k." "

----------------------------------------
Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.

One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"

The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

----------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist? "

The man says,"I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

------------------------------------------
This guy was suspecting his wife of cheating on him, so he hired a professional CHINESE Private Detective to follow her.

Here is his report. (Should be read with a Chinese accent):

Woman leave home, me follow woman. She go downtown, I go downtown. She go to mall, I go to mall. She met HE, HE met she. She go to motel, He go to motel. She go upstairs, he go upstairs. Me to see climb the tree. She go to room, he go to room. She take off her clothes, He take off his clothes. She play with He, He play with she...Me play with me, me fell out of tree!

---------------------------------------
An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him.

He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"

The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

-------------------------------
№ 1786

Random Thoughts of Randomness

Growing old is mandatory -
growing up is optional!

Be careful! Or you'll end up in my novel!
If you woke up this morning ...
It's because Jack Bauer spared you.
I'm having an Out-of-Money experience.
Bigamy Loves Company._______________________________________

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad," gushed son number one, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad." I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

-(Stolen from Mushy.)
_______________________________________

I'm so busy ... I don't know if I found a leash or if I lost my dog!
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now!

I'm confused - Wait, maybe I'm not!
If you met my family, you'd understand!_______________________________________

Two women are waiting outside the Pearly Gates - St. Peter had to run to the head to take a squirt.*

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected that my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive!

(-Stolen from Sandee.)
* (I added this opening line to set the scene.)
_______________________________________


Where's the switch that turns you off ?
№ 1785

Taking a Pooh

"Reprinted from "Contrary by Popular Belief" by Joey Green (Broadway Books), with permission. Copyright 2005 by Joey Green. For a copy of the book, go to this Amazon link.

It's that day of the week again - the day we dig for the truth in the Latrine of Lies, that Bathroom of Bullshit, that Commode of Conspiracy, otherwise known as our so-called education. Yep, its ...

Pooh Thursday!
Pinch your nose, spray some air freshener or light some scented candles ... the stench will be awful!

{ Strawberries are not berries. }
Botanists classify the strawberry as an aggregate fruit - a fleshy fruit receptacle covered with dry, single-seeded fruits on its surface. True berries are pulpy, pitted fruits with a fleshy, soft ovary wall - like blueberries, grapes and cranberries.

The strawberry was originally called strewberry because the fruit appears strewn among the plant's leaves. Because of mispronunciation, the name became strawberry.

{ The Bible does not forbid masturbation }
Some religious fundamentalists denounce masturbation by pointing to the story of Onan in chapter 38 of the Book of Genesis to prove that God forbids the act.

In the story, Judah marries off his eldest son, Er, to a woman named Tamar. When Er dies, Judah tells his second son, Onan, to marry and impregnate Tamar to give his dead brother an heir, in accordance with the custom of levirate marriage.

Onan realized "that the seed would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest he should give seed to his brother."

God slays Onan for refusing to his dead brother an heir - not for spilling his seed.

{ Cinderella did not wear glass slippers }
In the original version of the story, Cinderella wore fur slippers to the ball.

French writer Charles Perault retold the ancient story in his book " Stories or Tales from Times Past, with Morals", published in 1697.

Instead of giving Cinderella pantoufles en vair (slippers made of white squirrel fur), as told in the old French version, Perault wrote that she wore pantoufles en verre.

He confused two similarly pronounced words, and as such the mistake has been handed down to this day.

{ Icebergs are not frozen ocean water }
Icebergs are huge masses of ice that break off from glaciers or ice sheets.

Icebergs are made from snow that has been compressed into ice over thousands of years by its own weight.

Snow melts into fresh water - as do icebergs.

{ "Nearer, My God, To Thee" NOT Last song played on Titanic }
As the Titanic sank on the night of April 14-15, 1912, the last song the band played, before the ship's tilt sent the musicians and their instruments tumbling, was the Episcopalian hymn, "Autumn."

This was verified by Harold bride, the surviving wireless operator of the Titanic and was reported in the "New York Times" on April 19, 1912.

Both the 1953 and 1997 movies titled Titanic portray the band playing the wrong song, "Nearer, My God, To Thee."

(The above POOH was "borrowed" from the Random House publication "Contrary to Popular Belief" by Joey Green.)

№ 1783