Color Me Confused

....
Did I get off the bus at the wrong stop? Did I miss my flight? Maybe I should have taken that right at Albuquerque after all! Then again I just might be the poster child for Irving's "Rip Van Winkle." It seems that lately I've experiencing life like Brendan Fraser's character in " Blast From The Past."
....It's as if I went to bed one night in one world, but woke up in another. I think Rod Serling has been inspired to write the script for my posting today. You know, sometimes it does seem like that sign post up ahead says "Twilight Zone."

What seems to be his major malfunction, you might be asking? Well, truth be told, it is a far cry from a major crisis that inflicts me. Indeed, it is no crisis at all! Then, what the heck am I spouting off about, you ask?

It can probably be summarily explained as that of the middle-aged doldrums, a mere case of being behind the times. Ah, so that's the rub isn't it? What is it now, you ask? Technology? Moral values? The cost of living, or the prohibitive cost of dying?

No, it's nothing as significant as those. It is certainly something that can be dealt with by going with the flow. I have just been trying to put my finger on which phase of the moon, which decade, or which man was in the White House that these things changed, no evolved.
....As some of you well know, my only daughter will be getting married in October of this year. Don't say it, I know that daughters get married all the time. Though she is special to me, and why wouldn't she be, I know that she is one of many daughters getting married every day all over the globe. It was inevitable that she'd leave home someday.

Tell me, just when did happen that wedding showers became formal affairs? When did they start renting halls for showers? Other than those in the bridal party, since when do non-family attend wedding showers? Have I been caught up in some time time vortex or something? (I could ask the same questions regarding proms too. Our proms were held in the gyms or in the auditoriums of our schools. But hotels and function halls?) I'm talking about people who are invited to the wedding, such as her boss' wife, whom she has never met attending her shower. I'm talking about the wife of the security guard at her office complex coming to the shower. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against bosses, their wives, security guards and their wives, and I do not begrudge them the right, but why would they want to come? It isn't mandatory or necessary, so why would they want to come?
....My wife submitted to me, I don't know why, the menu for this up-coming shower. For my approval? Let's see there is pot roast, scalloped potatoes, and green beans with rolls and butter. There will also be hors d'oeuvres, of course. Sure, why not? As would be suspected, except by me, there will be dessert and coffee.
....Oh yeah, how could I forget another unexpected ingredient? Me! I'm to be there too? By the way, the husbands of the wedding party and husbands of the other wives will be there too - at a wedding shower! So when I said to my wife, "Oh! It's a Jack and Jill shower. Why didn't you say so in the first place?" She responded emphatically, "No. This was nothing like a Jack and Jill shower!!" (I decided not ask what the difference might be.)
....Color me confused. Color me behind the times. Color me? Hell, throw a whole bucket of paint on me! Am I wrong, people? Is this really the way it is for all showers nowadays? Is everyone else ahead of the curve while I have stalled in the driveway?
....What ever happened to living rooms and dining rooms? What ever happened to finger sandwiches and chip and dip? Why aren't the men gathered together elsewhere, watching the ball game and staying out of the way?

Our wedding shower, as much of a surprise to my wife-to-be as it was to those in attendance, was in the basement. With table cloths covering the plywood atop a pool table, there was indeed a spread. There were four fondu pots going, (fondu was the rage then) there were five different kinds of finger sandwiches, chip and dip with homemade onion dip, and a large bowl of vodka laced with orange juice, cranberry juice and grape juice - what we called back then, punch!
....I was there, after all I was the groom-to-be, and it had been my job to keep her away from her own house until the specified hour. I was the only male there. Her father had bailed out to go clamming, leaving me in the midst of my fiancee, two of her cousins, her three aunts, two nieces, her godmother, her two sisters-in-law, four friends, and of course I dare not to forget my future mother-in-law.
....We received some nice gifts, among which were 2 bread boxes, 3 toasters, 2 blenders, 2 clock radios, (analog) some towels for the bath and kitchen, bed linen, a tire with a note 3 more were coming for her car, and finally a white satin three piece wedding night set. (I was only allowed to the see the gown. The other two pieces would not be seen until the wedding night.)
....I'm sure you really weren't interested in our wedding shower gifts anyway. I mentioned them because of the duplicates, which over the years came in handy as replacements. I must admit that my daughter's shower will be better as far as gifts are concerned. Registries! My daughter won't be getting 3 toasters, that's for sure!

Just as I am beginning to get acclimated to the concept of the modern shower, I was knocked off my feet when I brought in the mail recently.

It was an invitation to a ...Are you ready for this? ...A divorce shower!!!

(Cues up 3 Dog Night: I seen so many things I ain't seen before. Don't know what it is, I don't wanna see no more... Mama told me not to come ... Mama told me not to come...

No.282

Sexual Resolution

....The openness of sex in today's world has become a heated debate for many. Where once the practice of sex and discussion of it were kept behind closed doors, it has now become an open forum. You don't have to go far to hear about sex. Whether it is in the news, in TV programs, movies, or music, sex often has center stage.
....We are all familiar with the terms heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. Those three have been the standards by which we have classified. However, over the years there has been a growing list of persuasions which won't fit into those categories. Perceived as fetishes and perversions by many, they are going to be popping up in the mainstream soon enough.
....The Pointmeister has taken it upon himself to delve into his infinite resources so that you the bloggers and blog readers can be brought up to date. With the following lists of sexual persuasions, perhaps you can find some resolution to the Sexual Revolution.

Normal Preferences

• Autosexual - prefers sex in back seat of cars
• Hyposexual - prefers to be on the bottom
• Monosexual - prefers sex with one partner, monogamous
• Retrosexual - prefers rear entry (doggy style)
• Solosexual - prefers sex alone, no partner
• Supersexual - prefers to be on top

Kinky (Out of the Ordinary)

• Aerosexual - is a member of the Mile-High Club
• Alphasexual - has sex with first person they meet
• Aquasexual - prefers sex in bathtubs or pools
• Carpesexual - siezes the moment to have sex
• Combosexual - has sex with one male and one female (threesome)
• Countersexual - prefers sex on kitchen counters, tabletops
• Ectosexual - prefers sex outdoors
• Heliosexual - likes sex in tanning booths
• Omegasexual - has sex with the last person they meet
• Omnisexual - will have sex anywhere, everywhere
• Patiosexual - has sex on porches, verandas on lawn furniture
• Pseudosexual - both partners have sex with clothes on (dry sex)
• Stereosexual - has sex wearing headphones listening to heavy metal
• Trisexual - has sex with two partners of opposite gender
• Trysexual - will try anything

Abnormal Preferences

• Antisexual - does not like sex
• Buysexual - pays for sex
• Cybersexual - has computer sex, usually via cams
• Enigmasexual - never knows names of partners
• Hypersexual - has overactive sex life
• Jumbosexual - prefers sex with overweight partners
• Moolahsexual - performs sex for money
• Multisexual - has many partners
• Rotosexual - prefers sex with plumbers, gets excited seeing butt cracks
• Triskadekasexual - prefers sex thirteen times a week
• Whosexual - has sex then asks for name of partner
• Videosexual - records self having sex

Weird Preferences

• Arachnisexual - has sex wearing Spiderman suit
• Archeosexual - likes sex at ruin sites
• Astrosexual - prefers sex on astro-turf
• Biosexual - uses anatomy pictures as foreplay
• Carnisexual - prefers sex with carnival workers
• Histrisexual - has partner dress up as historical figures
• Lottosexual - draws name from a hat and has sex with winner
• Paleosexual - likes sex dressed as Barney
• Pogosexual - partners bounce on pogo sticks nude - foreplay
• Pyrosexual - prefers sex in front of fireplace, campfire
• Radiosexual - likes sex near nuclear power plants
• Rectosexual - has sex only on the right side of bed
• Twistasexual - playes Twister in the nude as foreplay

Sick/Demented Preferences

• Agrisexual - has sex using vegetables and fruits
• Bonzosexual - gets sexually aroused watching Ronald Reagan films
• Bozosexual - prefers sex partners to wear clown suits
• Carnosexual - has sex while eating raw meat
• Electrosexual - likes sex with live electrodes attached to various body parts
• Equusexual - likes saddles on back while partner rides using a crop
• Harisexual - likes sex with Hari Krishnas in airports
• Hari-Karisexual - has sex with Hari Krishna then evicerates self
• Harposexual - prefers sex with mutes, will settle for mimes
• Idiosexual - prefers sex with idiots
• Jackosexual - likes sex with little boys, a pedophile
• Judosexual - uses martial arts during sex, seldom has repeat partner
• Pachysexual - wears elephant underwear and likes to swing his trunk
• Psychosexual - craves sex with crazy people, dream date would be Norman Bates
• Quasisexual - prefers sex with humpbacks

There are many more strange sexual preferences out there, The Pointmeister has only scratched the surface. He has given you a good starter list to prepare you for the day these become commonplace. What ever happened to whipped cream? If you should decide to dabble in any of the above, other than those considered normal, Point doesn't want to know. His advice is that you keep it behind closed doors.

No.281

Tuxedo Juxtaposition

We went for a tuxedo fitting yesterday. Scott the groom, and I the father of the bride, went under the chalk this afternoon. It was a simple thing. We didn't even break into a sweat. There was more effort put into the ride to Mr. Tuxit2You. More time was spent waiting for the three groups ahead of us. I had never been fitted for a suit by a woman before. I might add that I had no problem with it either. I might also add that I have never been fitted by an 18-year-old girl either, until yesterday that is.

It was a tad discerning to have the girl kneeling before me to measure my inseam. Scott seemed to be a little thrown off balance by the whole thing too. His girl was wearing a lot of cleavage when she was standing, never mind kneeling. Nonetheless, there we were, side by side. In juxtaposition to the other, we were standing in front of kneeling females measuring us!

Now don't get me wrong, there were no improprities, imagined or otherwise. I was just wondering what it may have looked like from the main entrance. We were behind saloon doors which were about twenty-four inches from the floor. An observer probably would have been curious about the two sets of men's legs visible from the knees down, and the two kneeling females visible to their midriffs.

When they were finished with us, we went to the front desk to settle the debt we had just incurred. I paid half, $60, the balance to be paid upon pickup two days before the wedding. Scott, as the groom had only to pay $25 for the accessories the bride had chosen. As we were leaving, I just had to look back in the direction of those saloon doors. Sure enough, just as I had imagined when we were behind the doors, the scene was as comical and as suggestive as a viewer allowed it to be.

You know, it would have been no different had there been men taking those measurements. Male or female, the picture it conjured needed little imagination. It would be easy to taken as sexist, but it was something you just had to see with your own eyes to appreciate.

No.279

Jogging Around The Blog

Today was a little unusual for me as of late. There were no pressing matters, at least there were none that couldn't be ignored. I learned in the service to never volunteer. As such, I chose not to comment on the fact that the Honey-Do list was blank. The Honey-Do list was blank! I liked the sound of it. Since I couldn't supply the visual of me emulating Tom Cruise in the movie Risky Business, I repeated those magical words instead.

So it was, with so much free time, that I sat down at the computer and started reading comments made to my site since the wee hours this morning. Next to writing blogs, I like to read them. Reading comments spawns reading blogs. Before I know it, I am clicking on the links found on each succeeding site. I call this jogging around the blog. Not only do I find some interesting blogs, but I often learn something from them.
Today, I have decided to impart some of that knowledge upon the readers. Now these are not so much facts, but interesting points about those bloggers.

For instance, I learned that Old Hoss is an expert on the subject of slug racing. He also informed me that dope is braided hemp. He had a very good blogging tip: that we should use big words because they take up more space. I hope I don't appear to be obsequious, but that is good advice.

Does every one know that John received some excellent writing tips.

According to Karyn most men cannot unsnap a bra.

Scnoodlepooh has a secret fantasy fetish to be a school teacher! She likes to give surprise quizzes. And guys, she has a weakness for Grande Coffee Frappacinos with Carmel Affogate.

Did you know that karen took her cat's valium? That's probably how she was able to make up all those lists.

Who doesn't make things up? She only writes true things. Why it's Candace of course!

Hamel wrote a great story about death. Honest! It's very well written.

Did you know that I am eating the largest banana split I have ever seen? Well, it used to be the largest.

You know, if I had kept on reading blogs, I wouldn't get much posting accomplished. Not to mention that my banana split would be melting. Ever wonder what to do when you have nothing to post? Go jogging around the blog!

No.278

3000 Hit Club

Thanks Scnoodlepooh for noting that I was about to receive my 3000th hit. I noticed that I was closing in when the count was 2850, but didn't pay attention to it until your comment. Credit where credit is due, I always say. I do? Funny until just now, I don't know if I ever did say that. Where was I? Oh yes, I was about to dole out some credit, and well deserved, I might add, to you. Seeing as 1000 of those hits are from you, I couldn't have gotten to where I've gotten without your assistance. (Clever line that last one, eh?) Of the remaining 2000 hits, half were from Karyn , John, and Old Hoss . Another 500 were from Blue . That leaves 500. Now of those 500 hits, 350 are comprised of my buddies over at Yahoo Games in the Spelldown game. 10 more were visits from my family. What can I say? They don't know what's good. 100 of the visits were from random surfers. 39 of the remaining 40 were other bloggers returning my visit to their sites. That includes Susie who just recently got married. (Congratulations again!) She has posted many photos from her wedding, which was an informal outdoor ceremony. Oh by the way, she just happens to write a very nice blog. That leaves one visitor, heretofore not mentioned. I confess! I visited myself once to run the count up.

Seriously, thank all of very much. May the next 3000 visitors like what they find and keep coming back. One thing all of you linked above can take to the bank, is the fact I'll continue to read you.

Rumor has that at least one of you is starting to get a little antsy over my short story, The Quill and the Quire. It is a labor of love to say the least. As I am rewriting the story from memory I am moving along at a slow pace, but posting as I finish each chapter. I have to keep referring back to the previous posts to make sure I make no errors with the facts in subsequent installments. Just as John, the central male character is struggling for answers, those of you who are reading it maybe going through the same thing. Guess what? So am I. I'll clue you in on one fact, I have four alternate endings. I am not sure where I am going yet. But that is putting the carte before the a la.

No.277

Homeland Insecurity

Three Massachusetts towns south of Boston were part of a federally funded first-of-its-kind test program to link their police department computers. Designed for exact and rapid exchange of information, Lakeville, Raynham and Taunton had received $460,000 under the Homeland Security Act.

When the funds dried up, it appeared that the program would be another added to to the growing list of wasted monies given to failed projects. But the Lakeville officials literally took matters intoo their own hands. The town's Police and Fire Chiefs grabbed shovels and dug a 1000 foot ditch themselves for the fiber optic lines to be laid in the ground. There was no money to pay the contractor for the excavation.

Obtained from a source at the House Homeland Security Committee the list that follows is just a small sampling of how Homeland Security funds are being spent:

Mason County, Wash.: $63,000 for a biochemical decontamination unit that is currently sitting in a warehouse with no one trained to use it.

Montgomery County, Md.: $160,000 for 8 large-screen plasma TVs.

Santa Clara County, Ca.: $250,000 for air-conditioned garbage trucks.

Tiptonville, Tn.: $14,000 for a Gator all-terrain vehicle and two defibrillaters, one for use at high school basketball games.

Converse, Tx.: (Are you ready for this one?) $3000 for for a trailor to transport riding lawn mowers to a local track for lawn mower racing.

Missouri: $7.2 million for 13,000 haz-mat suits for every law enforcement official; it seems that they forgot about the men who actually do the jobs.

South Dakota: (1) $30,000 for a paging system for the State Agriculture Fair. (2) $14,000 for communications equipment for criminals to assist in disaster response.

Washington, DC: (1) $200,000 for public speaking training for sanitation workers and a rap song for children. (2) $300,000 for a computerized car towing service.

It is reassuring to know that there are not enough funds for a fiber optic network between towns, but they throw open the coffers for rap songs, plasma TVs, lawn mower trailers and ATVs.

It's nice to know that if I were to visit Montgomery County, Md., I could watch a ball game on a large-screen television! ...And to think that all this time I thought I was going to have to load my lawnmower on the back of my pick up truck to get to the big race! I am ready to ignore suspicious packages, shady looking foreigners and mysterious explosions! I'm feeling so much safer now! How about you?

No.274

If A Frog Had Wings...

He wouldn't bump his ass every time he jumped!

...And he wouldn't have any health insurance if Hillary were elected President. While a sore butt is an occupational hazard for our amphibian friend, medical provisions could become a luxury that he cannot afford.

An injured frog unable to receive proper benefits will find it difficult to obtain crutches should he bust his butt. Bubba, the First Gentleman has a palate for frog legs. With no health coverage, Mr. Frog will be unable to escape the Blue Plate Special.

Even Hoppity Hooper could find himself surrounded by some shady F.O.B. (Friends Of Bill). Things won't be the same back at the Lily Pad. Funding for Homeland Security might be available down by he pond under the current regime of King George II, but there will be guarantees if we were to wake up and find Hillary minding the National Piggy Bank.

The TOFU (Turtles, Otters and Frogs Union) are in the planning process of establishing a lobbyist group to seek the support of Congress and the House. Such dignitaries would include Tutor Turtle and Touche Turtle.

There is speculation that the Clintons have been exploring a profitable real estate deal involving wetlands where the turtles and frogs currently reside. Faced with not only the loss of a health plan, the denizens of the Nation's ponds and marshes are also concerned about the possibility of finding themselves homeless.

The members of Tofu are planning to hold a protest rally outside the President-wannabe's N.Y. penthouse next week. The Clinton clan will be hosting Party members with a lavish meal in an attempt to bribe - er swing support for her run at the Oval Office. The rally will be not against the agenda, but of the proposed menu. The protesting group was outraged when they learned that turtle soup and frogs legs would be served.

The Pachyderms and Jackasses are expected to make the topic of equal health care for all Americans a key issue. Another bone of contention between the two Parties will be Hillary's choice of a running mate.

While Martha Stewart is said to have rejected the offer, she has offered to handle the window treatments should she be elected. Stewart allegedly said that if her taste in decor was anything like her choice of men, the White House should not be decorated like an Arkansas out house. It is has been rumored that Hillary will choose Betty Boop as her Vice President. Her apparent, though not confirmed reason for this choice, would be to keep her husband in line. With his attention on the shapely new Veep, he would keep his nose out of the Country's business and affairs. When asked if she would be concerned just where else he might stick his nose, she implied that it would be acceptable as long as it wasn't poking into her drawers. The drawers of the President's desk would be off-limits to him.

We can only wait and see what will become of the frog, who adamantly does not wish Bubba's nose between his legs either.

N0.273

Shower For The Bride, Curtains For The Groom

Gretchen & Scott

October 9 is fast approaching. That's the date my daughter and her fiance, Scott walk the aisle. That's the day I give her away.
....Like the old cliche', my wife and I will not be losing a daughter, we will be gaining a son. She has chosen a very good man. I may be prejudiced, but he has chosen a good woman.

Shower For The Bride, Curtains For The Groom

Don't get me wrong, marriage is a wonderful institution. It really doesn't take long to get used to the straight-jacket, and they are one-size-fits-all. Your new addition to the house, which will be your den, will look great with the state-of-the-art padding on the walls. In time, you forget that there is an electronic bracelet around your ankle. (Heck, even Martha Stewart figured out how to remove one.) On nice days it is especially gratifying to putter around in your yard. While the collar isn't very comfortable, you'll get used to it also, that invisible fence gives the appearance of freedom. People walking by will tend to stay on the other side of the street when they pass by. It will probably be because of that sign by the driveway: Beware of Doug!

The above is part of a stand-up comedian's routine which I have paraphrased. I didn't catch the name of the comedian. I was flipping through the channels during a pitching change in a Red Sox baseball game. The Red Sox had just chased the White Sox' Mark Buerle from the game. I landed on Comedy Central and caught part of his routine. I didn't see either the beginning or the end of his act, but I decided that he needed a new schtick. That material about oppressed husbands is hardly fresh or original. Henny Youngman put a lot of miles on that material a long time ago.

I'd be remiss if I didn't give Gary Larsen his due credit for the "Beware of Doug" sign idea. The comedian apparently didn't feel so obligated to pay homage to The Far Side comic strip.

Scott and Gretchen, when you read this, if you read it, I am just poking some fun at your expense.

Readers, when and if you read this, I meant every word of it! (Just don't tell the kids.)

NO.272

Walk Like An Egyptian

.
This past weekend was a painful one. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice weekend when all is said and done. It was not unlike a lot of my weekends. There was the usual mixed bag of chores and errands complemented by some quality idle time. I enjoy and look forward to my weekends as much as any other sensible working stiff.
....Now, stiff was the operative word for my weekend. I could sit back and allow your collective imaginations take that line and run with it here, but I won't. Those of you who had just straightened up in your chairs in anticipation of some carnal escapades, will have to relax. That definition of stiff will not be explored here today. Perhaps Karyn will discuss that topic at "length" sometime. Stiff, as it will be used here, is in reference to another joint.
....My problem began sometime in the early evening of Saturday. We have been enduring a long period of humid hot weather in the Boston area. Being so close to the ocean, such stretches without rain is not the norm. Finally, on Saturday there was a sudden change in the barometric pressure. The cooler moist air from the ocean was on a collision course with a mass of hot dry air out of the Southwest.
....I used to think it comical when my grandparents would say, "It's going to rain. I can feel it in my bones!" But when it actually did rain after some of those "funny" remarks, we began to revere them. We thought that maybe gramps and granny possessed some magical powers.
....Thus it came to be Saturday night that I said to my daughter, "It's going to rain." She looked at me and said, "The weatherman said it was going to stay hot and there was no rain sight for the near future." Ten minutes later the air began to change as dark clouds began to fill the sky. In but only five minutes more, the first of the drops began falling. My daughter looked at me with a quizzical look on her face. I simply said, "I felt it in my bones!"
....Probably an aberration, but I survived a typical West Virginia childhood without a single broken bone in my body. That's not to say that I was sheltered. Hardly! I climbed trees and rode the branches down to the ground. I dove off bridges into rivers. I rode bicycles down those clearings where they run those high-tension lines. I have even rode rapids in an inner tube. Heck, those were the sissy stunts. We made our own skateboards in the late 50's, long before they became popular. The ones they have today are sissy boards compared to mine. Mine was made from the paddle end of a broken oar, onto which I had nailed the wheels and frame from roller skates. Can you say metal wheels with a thin layer of molded rubber. We didn't have those fancy sissy wheels they use today.
....Anyway, I was into my forties before I had my first broken bone. I cannot say how much it would've hurt when I was a kid, but to a 45-year-old man, a broken collar bone was quite painful! Then last summer, I fell on my side on some brick stairs, breaking a rib. Those of you who have suffered a broken rib know of what I speak. You can't laugh, you can't cough, you can't yawn, and dare I say it, you can't fart without pain shooting through your body. I prayed that I didn't get a case of hic-cups!
....Those two injuries, teamed up with a bothersome ankle and a bad knee, were the culprits who told me it was going to rain. They were my personal "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." It is only when the changes in the barometric pressure is sudden that the four of them saddle up and ride roughshod through my bones and joints.
....Sunday morning, the rain since past, was when I experienced the residuals of the Horsemen's ride. It wasn't the first time I had ever felt that stiff soreness. Indeed, I have woken up stiff on many of a morning. Tsk-tsk! Easy folks, I'm still not taking that bus.
....John, over at Romantic Ramblings, and I have noticed the use of song titles and lyrics in blogs lately. Driving home that point, both of us have recently taken that path. As you have no doubted noted by this title, I am using that theme again. This time, however, it wasn't deliberate on my part. It was actually the result of freaky kind of inspiration.
....As I said, Sunday morning was not the first time I woke up and could be seen trying to walk like a machine in want of oil to be applied in a few key joints. As is my usual Sunday morning routine, I was sitting in my recliner (Praise be to Lazy-Boy) waiting for the kettle to whistle for me from the kitchen. Now, in my area Sunday morning TV is not to die for, choice programming Spartan at best. As such, I have the Music Channels to entertain me.
....I had just stood up and was about to head to the kitchen to have a cup of Maxwell House Instant coffee. I stretched, yawned, and scratched in that classic pose of a waking man, which few people know was the the runner-up in the voting to the pose now used for the Heisman Trophy.
....It was then that I noticed, or rather heard, the song that was playing on the TV behind me. It was kind of comical when I realized that my pose and subsequent movements made it appear that I was literally trying to ... Walk Like an Egyptian!

No.271

What the World Needs Now...

Is Love,
Sweet Love.

There has been a trend in some of the blogs I have been reading to use song titles and lyrics. I myself have been guilty of the same thing. Strike guilty. I too have incorporated them into some of my postings. I look at this practice as a good thing. The songs evoke memories, waxing us nostalgic. Where was I and what was I doing when I first heard that song? To those of us who are pigeon-holed into the baby-boomer bracket, the songs we hold dear were first heard in the late fifties and through the sixties.

It's the only thing there's just too little of;
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No not just for some, but for everyone.

I remember well this photo of Jackie DeShannon. Every time I hear this song, I visualize this photograph. I was at that young impressionable age when I had just reached ... I mean ... Oh yes, my voice was changing. Ahem. The next photo that I can remember that ..."interested" me was the famous Farah Fawcett poster.

Lord, we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb,
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross
Enough to last till the end of time.
(Chorus)

But my passage through puberty and hormonal reactions to photos such as those, is not the intended purpose of this posting. I'm sure I could think of a song that would remind me of the "daring" peeks in the school library at National Geographic. ( Meanwhile, back in the jungle...) Those rare treats of finding my uncle's Playboy stash can be recalled when I hear My Baby Was a Centerfold, or It's Too Late To Love Sharon Tate.

Lord, we don't need another meadow,
There are corn fields and wheat fields enough to grow,
There are sunbeams and moonbeams enough to shine.
O listen, Lord, if you want to know.

It is the state of the world that we live in, it is the news that fills our senses, it is the senseless hatred that permeates the fiber of our lives; it is for those reasons that I am posting today. I was reading blogs when Jackie's song was playing on the radio near me. I could ramble on and on about the state of the world, but it would be redundant, wouldn't it? Reading, knowing and seeing the terrible news are not unique to just me. Does everyone really ever listen to the words of songs - like this one?

What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
It's the only thing that there's just too little of,
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some
Oooh, but just for every, every, everyone.
(What the world needs now) Whooo
(Is love, sweet love) Is love
(What the world needs now) Whooo
(Is love, sweet love) Is love.

No.269

The Other Girl

.Sassafras, is the last member of the family. Sassy, her nickname quite apropos, is the feistiest and most feared of the furry denizens of our house.

Her markings are referred to as tortoise-shell. While they cannot all be detected in the photo, there are five distinct colors in her fur. The Vet said she is probably a tabby-Maine Cooncat mix. She is the smallest of our pets, but you'd never know it to watch the dogs walk around the room to stay clear of her path. They give her a wide berth.
....Just as the other beasties had stories of how they came to be here with us, Sassy is no exception. She and a sister were within moments of meeting the maker, unlike her mother and three other siblings.
....I was driving down a street that day eight years ago, when a woman flagged me down. Her car was parked with the flashers blinking. Thinking she was having car problems, an easy mistake to make because she was driving a Yugo, I pulled over behind her. She was snuggling two tiny kittens in her arms. Their high-pitched meowing could be heard the length of her car as I came closer to her.
...."I just rescued these two kittens," she said to me. It was unfortunate, but that particular day I had forgotten the world's smallest violin which I usually carried in my breast pocket. She pointed up the hill above where we stood. There were two snarling Doberman Pinschers standing on a rock outcropping. She then pointed to the ditch below the shoulder of the road next to her door.
....I usually have a strong stomach, but the mutilated bodies of the unfortunate cat and her three kittens was sickening. They had quite literally been torn to pieces. The woman had been driving by and witnessed the mayhem. She said she laid on her horn and had even hit one of the dogs with her bumper. They then ran up the hillside and stationed themselves on the rocks. The woman was terrified that the dogs would comeback to finish what they had started, even if she were holding the kittens.
....I had to tip my hat to her, that was a brave act on her part. I had to admit that even with my presence, the dogs looked poised to come down at any moment. For all I knew, they may have been trained guard dogs or even worse, rabid. I ask why she didn't slowly move to the door of her car and get in. It turns out though, that in her rescue she had locked the door with the engine running.
....I asked if she happened to have a spare key, it was a stab in the dark. Sure enough, she did have a spare, and to this day I still wonder if she ever removed it from the same ring as the other keys. She did happen to have five metal coat hangers - also locked in the car. Oh yeah, she had a cell phone...In the car!
....I took one of the kittens from her and told her to move slowly to my truck. My plan was to at least to put them in the cab out of harms way. If necessary we could jump inside also - out of harms way. It was then that I saw something moved dumb past brave on the list of her qualities. The passenger door of her car was not locked! In the end though, I had to give her a mulligan. I didn't exactly enjoy walking in the ditch and stepping over the remains of the other cats. With one kitten safely stashed on her front seat, I reached across and unlocked the driver's side door.
....Without a thank you or a f**k you, she handed me the other kitten and jumped into her car. She cracked the window and said that she'd keep the one in the car. "You can find a home for that one, right?" She asked or was it an order? Holding a crying kitten, I stood dumbfounded as she sped away, or at least moved as fast as a Yugo could go. A couple of sudden yelps and a heartbeat later I was in my truck.
....I realized, as it squirmed and dug its claw into my bare arm, I had just been saddled with a kitten, weaned maybe for only two days tops. We had a dog and a cat at home already. We were not looking for another pet. I thought that the least I could do was to take it home and give it some milk and some food. We could probably find a home for it.
....I didn't count on my daughter being home from work early. When she saw the tiny head peeking out of my unbuttoned shirt, she was instantly attached to it. I told her the story and thought that maybe that was a mistake. When I mentioned that it happened on the side of a road under a sassafras tree, she had made up our minds for us. Seeing its strong determination to get at the bowl of milk she held in her other hand, she said it sure was a sassy little thing. There it was, Sassy had been given her nick name and the tree I mentioned became her full name. - Sassafras.
....She eventually fit in and became number three on the role call of pets. Now, her gradual acceptance by Queen Oreo, the resident cat in charge of animal affairs, is another story, perhaps for another day.

No.267

Dog-gone Cute

.I am posting this picture for no other reason than I thought it was cute. It also means that there are other people out there who dress up their animals in costumes. MY daughter buys a new Halloween costume for the two dogs each year. Let's see, there has a bumble bee costume, a lady bug, a fireman, etc.

But none of them looked this cute! Of course, I think by their very nature, small dogs are more "suited" to be dressed up.

Looking it in the eyes, I wondered how long it had to pose before its master finally got the desired shot. "No, no. Sit! Stay!" Like Ralphie in the pink bunny suit from the movie "A Christmas Story," did the suit come right off after the photo session?

What must it be thinking? Ah, that's the idea, folks. What is a good caption for this pic?

"One wave of this wand - Poof! - You're a fire hydrant!"

"You show that picture - I'm telling the wife you've been wearing her underwear!"

"No, Rocky-boy don't want to go out!"

Well that's three quick ones from me. Maybe someone else can come up with a good one.

No.266

One of The Girls

Oreo said, "Hey! What am I chopped liver?" She is miffed because the two dogs had starring roles in recent blogs, while all she got was a basket too small for her to sleep in.
....Oreo is the senior member of our menagerie. She is an 11 year-old calico mouse catcher supreme. She is noted for a well known quote which was plagiarized and altered by Will Rogers: "I never met a bowl of food I didn't like." Around our house if you just happen to think about opening a can of anything, she is there lickety-split before you can retrieve it from the cabinet! She can hear the crinkle of a deli bag while you are still at the store! She loves roast beef, the rarer the better.
....Oreo come to live with us because her former owner had to get rid of her ten years ago. How anyone could look into that feline face and not want to keep her, I have no idea. (But I'm glad I happened to be around when the decision was made.)
....The former owner was an elderly widower for whom I did some once-a-week-cleaning. He also had a bichon-poodle mix of a lap dog. As most people know, cats are self-efficient low maintenance creatures. (Feed 'em, pet 'em when they want to be petted, let 'em out or keep their litter boxes clean -- no warranty needed.) Dogs, on the other hand and as dog owners will attest, require some hands-on attention. Dogs in turn return the attention with loyalty. Now, cats tend to be more aloof. They say you never own a cat, it owns you!
....The social worker, VNA, and health department I think used gestapo-like persuasion to determine that the old man could not take care of the cat. The dog could stay, but the cat had to go! As I said, I was doing the house cleaning for him. He was also getting some assistance from his grand-daughter who lived on the second floor of his house.
....Now the three Nazi arms of Elderly Services did not do any cleaning. I could call to question just how much assistance the grand-daughter actually provided. Apparently, I was the only one who was skilled enough to locate the dog's seven or eight "secret" latrines throughout the house. I am eternally grateful that doggy-doo comes in sizes commensurate to the size of the doggy-doer! (Little dog = little doo.)
....Within a week, the confused cat bid adieu to the only home she had ever known. Never again would she wander the large back yard and huge park across the street. The birds, squirrels and field mice in the neighborhood threw a block party that evening. As stated above, she was a mouser supreme. Did I say earlier that cats are aloof? Oh, yeah. Once inside her new home, she was rarely seen for the first three days or so, coming out only when she was hungry or to use her facility - the litter box. She couldn't understand why she was no longer let out. Like it or not, she became a house cat.
....Since cats don't answer to names anyway, Oreo didn't seem to mind that she was no longer going to be called Muu-Muu. As we were to learn later the name was appropriate. She had a dicriminating taste for almost everything. The slender sleek cat is now a plump contented feline, a fact of which my stomach and chest can verify. No longer aloof, she has become the social butterfly of the household. My daughter calls her Queenie, because she rules the roost, even the two dogs respect her.
....Hail the Queen! She's one of the girls.

No.264

Could You Throw In an Ox?

Nairobi, Kenya - 7/22/05

Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor, a government official, made an offer he thought could not be refused. Keeping with Kenyan traditions, he made what was considered to be a "very generous" offer. Offers such as his are the time-honored practices of convincing a father to give away his daughter's hand in marriage.

Chepkurgor, a 36-year-old city councilor in Nakuru, was said to be waiting for an answer or a counter offer from the father of the girl who had caught his eye. His offer, a formal one to observe proper protocol, was made through the Kenya's Foreign Minister.

Former President Bill Clinton had not responded to the offer of 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter 25 year-old daughter Chelsea. Generous as far as African maidens' dowries go, news of the offer had made news wires world-wide. Another Kenyan official said that acceptance of Chepkurgor's offer could go a long way in soothing relations between the U.S. and Kenya.

The love-struck Romeo, who is also an Electrical Engineering graduate, had become enamored with Chelsea in 2000 when Clinton visited that country. He vows to remain single until he receives an answer. In a letter for the benefit of news agencies he wrote: "Had I succeeded in wooing Chelsea, I would have had a grand wedding." He said that the Nobel Prize winner, the Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa would have presided over the ceremony.

Chelsea's would-be suitor praised Clinton for his accomplishments while President. He also praised Hillary Clinton for standing by her man during the Lewinski scandal, saying she acted with the grace of an African woman. He added that Lewinski would fetch 4 goats and 2 cows in some villages. (One is left wondering, what offer did he make for Hillary? How about throwing in an ox? Let's make a deal!)

No.263

A Chip Off the Old Blog

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I thought I would just post a mish-mash of thoughts and a few new quotes I stumbled upon. Besides, the short story business can be a little taxing. I am getting so involved in the plot that I am starting to get ahead of myself. I have posted four installments so far, and am a third of the way into composing the fifth. In a nut shell, I compose my postings twice. First, I write it out long hand on a legal pad. Because to me pencils are for drawing and pens for writing, there are no erasures but there are certainly quite a few cross outs. Then I type it onto the my site, editing, rewriting on the fly, and running the spell check. Like advice to a carpenter's apprentice to "measure twice, cut once," I edit twice, publish once.

Did you know that dogs make poor farmers? After all the thousands of years of evolution, they still try to grow hams by burying bones in the yard.

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward." - (Vernon Law, former Pittsburgh Pirates' pitcher)

"There is a Vitamin for being a friend, B1." - ( This actually my rewriting of a quote by a Sunday School teacher. Her quote used Christian instead of friend. By the way, I think hers is good too.)

"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." - (Warren Buffet, Investment Guru)

"Some people say that motivation does not always last. Well, neither does bathing -- that's why we recommend it daily." - ( Zig Ziglar, Motivational Maven)

"There are two things you can do with your head down: Play golf and pray." _ (Lee Trevino, Golfer)

"I once read this quote by the Rev. Joel Olsteen: ('You can't do anything about what is gone, but you can do something about what is left.') So I looked at the second muffin and promptly ate it too." - ( The Pointmeister, Blogger)

The answer is: Zellig Harris and Stephen Douglas.

And the Question is: Name a cunning linguist and a master debator.


No.262

Art Imitating Life

Have you ever noticed how life seems to imitate art? Or is that art imitating life? More specifically, have you ever observed how life imitates the movies? Or is that the movies imitating life?

Whatever!

For example, I'm sure most of you have thought about buying a house. (Think: The Money Pit.)

Have you ever went out on a blind date? ( Night of the Living Dead )

Have you ever gone out to eat at a new Italian Restaurant? ( Attack of the Killer Tomatoes )

Have you ever visited the Aviary at the zoo? ( The Birds )

Have you ever seen a fat person climbing out of a swimming pool? ( The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms )

Do any of you women find yourself attracted to men in uniform? ( The Cable Guy )

Have you ever wondered if you'll be able to afford to send your kid to college? ( Mission: Impossible )

Have you ever worried about your daughter's first date alone with a boy? ( Girls Gone Wild )

Do you like to pick wild flowers? ( Day of the Triffids )

Have you ever been worried about your kid's performance at college? ( Animal House )

Do you have to take a bus to get to work? ( Speed )

Have you ever had a visitor that just didn't know when to leave? ( What About Bob? )

Are your landscapers suspicious looking? ( The Texas Chain Saw Massacre )

Have you ever had a problem with mice? ( Willard )

Guys, do ever think of the consequences when you cheat on your significant other? ( Attack of the 60-Foot Woman )

There's 15 examples of the movies imitating life, or vice versa, that I could think of. Can you think of any more?

No.260

Busting Out

Well I worked up the nerve. I have begun posting a short story on my blog. The first installment is in three parts. I originally wrote this story several years ago in response to a contest sponsored by
a Sci-Fi/Fantasy magazine. The magazine was celebrating an anniversary of its publication. I forget now just what anniversary it was. To be accepted for consideration, I had to fill out an application for entry into their Short Story Hunt.

One field asked for a brief synopsis of my story. It seems they weren't going to burden themselves with reading every short story submitted, but rather they reviewed the synopses to determine if it met their magazine's standards and format. I had completed the story before I received their rejection notice. Apparently my yarn failed to meet their criteria. Imagine, getting a rejection notice without even submitting a manuscript. I never even got around to typing it. Over the years, that hand-written manuscript has disappeared. My searches for it have been fruitless.

I had been toying with the idea of attempting to write a short story to post here, but I wasn't sure if I was up to creating something from nothing. But I remembered my old script of The Quill and the Quire. I could remember the basic story for the most part. The character's names, the names of the establishments, etc., however were lost. What the heck I thought, after all what's in a name? As for the dialog, that would come as the story unfolds.

The first three parts, Welcome to Edinburgh, The Antique Shop, and Dinner and Drinks have all spewed forth rather easily. Here's hoping that the rest come as easy. I could make the dialog more interesting if I actually tried to capture a true Scottish genuflection, but I decided not to go there. (It canna take more, Cap'n!)

I am looking forward to the project through its end, as well as looking forward to any and all comments any readers may post. Pour it on folks, especially those of you who been published. A critique whether positive or negative, is most welcome. Structure, spelling, grammar, tenses, etc., all are subject to your approval.

Thank you in advance for your candor and patience.

-Mike

No.259

Coming Soon To A Blog Near You

The time has come. Inspired by Karyn's Short Story Wednesday, I have decided to try my luck with a short story. I must admit that I am not creating this story on the fly. This idea was once in a hand written manuscript form, ready to be typed. Alas, I never had it typed up. That was about fifteen years ago. Unfortunately, I have never found it since. I'm not even sure that it still exists. This is an attempt to recreate it. Certain elements of the story will be updated to allow for new technology that did not exist then, such as the lap top computer and the cell phone.

I suppose the story could be classified in the suspense genre. I will attempt to follow a posting schedule also, probably as a Short Story Weekend. That will allow me either Saturday or Sunday, or both days to have a chapter or two published. With a deadline to pressure me, it should prevent me from letting it slip by the wayside.

I have one chapter completed and it will be posted later this day, Sunday. As it is now closer to dawn than it is to midnight, I will probably post it sometime in the afternoon. By the way, the name of the story is:

(In olden days letters and other writings were written with quill (feather) pens dipped into ink. A quire was an equivalent of a ream, and generally parchment was used.)

No.255

No Ginger Snap She

Ginger is an intimidating looking dog. Ginger is a good natured slob. By far, the largest dog we have ever had, she is even larger than a standard poodle we had once, but also she is the biggest baby we've ever had.

What she is exactly, no one seems to know. Her brown markings on a black background are exactly the same as those of Rottweilers and Doberman Pincers. Her size is that of a Great Dane. She's too long and lean in body to be part-Rottweiler it seems. She's too large and muscular to be part-Doberman. Her snout and jowls are two long to be part-Great Dane. The only other breeds that possibly could come into play are Mutt and Mongrel.

My window sills come to my upper thigh. Our Lab mix, profiled in Lucky Lady Bug (No.252) has to put her front paws on the sill to see out of the window. Along comes Ginger to have a look see, she just rests her chin on the sill to see what's going on outside. Another clue as to her size, would be for us to buy a saddle and rent her out for pony rides to kids five and under.

Like Oliveah, Ginger also has an interesting story. When she younger, my daughter would have brought home this dog and asked, "Can we keep her, please?" My grown up daughter however, said, "We are going to keep her to keep Liv company." Now when I set my foot down, I have to be careful where I put it!
Yes, that's how Ginger showed up here and remains to this day.

She was at work one day when the security guard called her on the walkie-talkie. He told her of a dog tied to a utility pole. A rope was tied around her neck in a hangman's noose. She ran out to the parking lot where the guard and dog were located. They led the very nervous and skiddish dog into her office. While she was giving the dog a bowl of water, she sent the security guard to McDonalds for a couple of plain hamburgers.

Right from the start, rather than acting traumatized, the dog, sans the noose, was happy-go-lucky. When she got up from her desk the dog tried to follow her. When she was seated at her desk, the dog laid on the floor by her feet. It wagged its tail and playfully greeted anyone who came into the office. If a person's face was positioned anywhere near its face, that face was promptly washed. If anybody had any fears of bodily harm from this dog, they discovered that it would be a slobber drowning.

We had a new Veterinarian by this time, and when she finished checking out Ginger, as we had named her, it was determined that she was between nine months and a year-old! A dog that big was just a puppy? The examination over, shots given and a follow up appointment made we had officially increased our animal population by one moose. As it turns out, this Vet happened to sell special puppy food. I kindly declined saying that because of the size of the dog, we had no room for that much dog food.

No.254

It Figures (of Speech)

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In the recent posting, It's Your Write!, I was discussing tips for writing by offering my own methods. I mentioned that I try to use figures of speech as much as possible. I listed a few that I try to use while also noting that there were others I might use without knowing I had used them. Schnoodlepooh commented that she would have to look some of them up if she were to try to use them.
....That got me to thinking that I should provide a list of them and give an example(s) of each. While such a list can be useful to others, it will be helpful to me as well. Perhaps I will reacquaint myself with them. Also by posting a list of them, it will be here in the archives to refer to from time to time. There are some that I really am not familiar with, let alone to use them. A definition is one thing, but by including an example of each, the list may prove useful for anyone so interested.

(a) Simile - a comparison of two things by using like or as: "White as chalk." "A baby's feet, like sea-shells pink" "Quick as lightning"

(b) Metaphor - unlike a simile, a metaphor does not use like or as, but instead makes an implied or direct comparison: "A tower of strength" "Hours and minutes are dollars and cents"

(c) Personification - inanimate things are given human attributes: "the hands of time" "The ball screamed when hit by the bat." "the flowers danced"

(d) Alliteration - the use of a succession of words with the same initial letter: "fine feathered friends" "babbling brook" "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers"

(e) Onamatopeia - the use of words or a phrase to imitate the sound of something: "the buzz,buzz of bees" "Bow Wow!" "Rat a tat"

(f) Euphemism - a mild expression used in the place of an unpleasant statement: "He passed away" (instead of He died) "fender bender" (instead of accident)

(g) Epithet - descriptive word or phrase used important meaning or a vivid picture; there are two kinds of epithets:

1. Essential - names or qualities that are always associated with thing described: "green grass" "blue skies"
2. Conventional - adjectives that become associated with certain names: "Honest Abe" "Doubting Thomas"

(h) Epigram - short forceful expression that implies just the opposite: "The silence was audible."

(I) Interrogation - phrase that asks a question with an implied negative answer: "Am I a dog?" "What am I chopped liver?"

(j) Antithesis - a contrast of opposite terms or ideas: "Rich and poor" "Hot and cold"

(k) Irony - expression stating the opposite of what is meant: From Julius Caesar, Marc Antony's "..And they are honorable men."

(l) Allusion - a reference is made made of something to which reader is familiar: "A Napoleon of finance" "A Daniel come to judgment."

(m) Assonance - a recurrence of the same vowel sound in a group of words: "Hark! Hark! The lark!"

(n) Synecdoche - figure where part of an object is used to signify the whole, or vice versa: "A thousand hands waved farewell." "The city welcomed the returning soldiers."

(o) Metonymy - figure by which the cause is put before the cause, or vice versa: "Gray hairs should be respected." "He was the sigh of his mother's soul."

(p) Litotes - figure by which a strong affirmative is expressed by a negative to the contrary: "The storm of no small force drove our vessel before it." "a citizen of no mean city."

(q) Climax - arrangement of words in ascending order of importance, with strongest expression last in order: "I know it, I concede it, I confess it, I proclaim it!" "Veni, Vidi, Vici!" (I came, I saw, I conquered.)

(r) Hyperbole - an exaggeration to gather attention: "Every word that Webster used weighed a pound."

(s) Apostrophe - expression that turns aside usual order of words addressing an object: "O Grave! Where is thy victory?" "O Death! Where is thy sting?"

(t) Vision - similar to an apostrophe, but less forceful, describing a scene, object or event as if it were in view: "I see before me the gladiator lie."

(u) Euphony - pleasing effects of sounds produced by combining words in sentences or of phonetic elements of spoken words: "The bells of Shandon that sound so grand on/ The Pleasant waters of the river Lee."

For both Hyperbole and Euphony, I had to do a search to find sentences. I don't know if I ever have used, ever tried to use, or ever thought about using either one of these two figures of speech.

Armed with these, you are primed to write!

No.253

Lucky Lady Bug

Lucky Lady Bug/Demon dog?
That's Oliveah, our Lab-mix, posing on Halloween night in her Lady Bug costume. There is a head piece to this costume, a hood with two antennae. Try as she might, Gretchen my daughter could not get to her keep the head piece on long enough for a picture to be snapped. Surrounded by a Pilgrim teddy bear and a Winnie the Pooh Trick-or-Treat bucket, the green flash glow in her eyes was reminiscent of the dogs in The Omen.
....Liv or Livvie, as we call her came to us in 1995. Like all four of our pets, she has a story. My wife's best friend, was not particularly a dog person, she preferred cats. Her youngest daughter had taken a summer-placement job at our local police station. As it turns out, an abandoned dog was brought in to be turned over to the pet control department. Working when the dog was dropped off, Erica fell in love with he dog.
....Talking her mother into, they adopted the dog and named her Deja. She was long-haired mongrel part-Lab and part-unknown. The dog was in their home for about two weeks when Elaine said to Erica that dog sure is putting on weight. A trip to the Vet found Deja to okay. When asked if the dog was pregnant, the veterinarian said no and suggested that they put her on a special food, which they just happened to have in stock and sold to dog owners. By the way, this product could only be purchased through pet hospitals and Veterinarians. Can you say collusion?
....On our advice, she did not add to the Vet's coffers. As it turns out, he could have used the dough to put toward a refresher course at Veterinarian School. Perhaps he skipped class on the day his class covered "Puppies and Where They Come From." Two weeks later, it was surely a canine version of immaculate conception, Deja gave birth to five bouncing puppies. Red-faced, the Vet offered to check them out for no charge. The Vet and his two assistants were not the Magi and they had followed no star to find their way to the examination room.
....A clean bill of health given to mother and her pups, they did not fail to mention that they had a special puppy food which was highly recommended for puppies, and could only be purchased through them. Elaine and Erica were not confident when it came to their knowledge of nutrition, and kindly declined.
....It just so happened that night while I was watching some BBC reruns of Monty Python, that they ran the "Dead Parrot" episode. I wondered what would happen if someone showed up at that Vet's office with a dead animal. "Ah, nothing to worry about. It's a sleeping disorder caused by not eating Dr. Good's Pet Food. It just so happens that we sell it to the public."
....My wife and daughter were given first choice to pick from the litter when they were weaned. So it was that "Oliveah Taylor Ashley" came to live with us. As it turned out, they chose the friskiest most rambunctious one of the five. Elaine kept one of the puppies to be a companion for Deja-mom and found good homes for the other three. Brother Caspar and Deja dropped in from time to time to say hello to Oliveah. Deja was spayed, no one wanted any more puppies, thank you. Wisely they found a new Vet and have had no problems or mis-diagnoses. However, some things never change, it seems every Vet around here has a side business selling "special" pet foods.

No.252

Poached Poodles

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I am certain that someone must have looked upon the title of this posting with horror or disgust. (I refer to you who shall remain nameless, although everyone will know of whom I speak.) No, this story is not about carnivorous meal preparation, that has not come to the forefront as the story has broken. The poaching is not in reference to someone shooting poodles for game or sport. It centers around the disappearance of a large number of them.
....Initial reports had suggested that the recent encroachment of wolves into urban areas may well have been the explanation. There have been several reports of pets being killed and eaten by small packs of wolves. While that evidence seems to support that theory, the sheer number of reports relating to missing pets was considered too high to be explained away by predation.
....The expansion of human intrusion into the few remaining sanctuaries for wildlife has forced the wolf, as well as bears, to seek food and shelter ever closer to man's settlements. Small pets such as domestic cats and dogs are easier prey than rabbits and squirrels.
....A recent compilation of facts and reports over a nearly two-year period, however, is presenting a different picture of what may be really going on. A pool of information gathered from several states started to form a more sinister picture. The larger number of dogs missing was a particular breed of dog. Nearly 80 percent of the dogs reported missing were poodles. The numbers included toy, miniature and standard poodles of all colors.
....Although outlawed in every state of the Union, there are many raids and arrests involving gambling on fighting dogs. There are millions of dollars passed on the wagering at dog fights. These operations constantly are on the move to avoid law enforcement intervention. For every one that is busted in raids, two or three more are up and running within weeks. Dog fighting as well as cock fighting are very popular among Mexicans and Asians.
....Interrogations of some of those arrested have revealed a grim connection to the missing poodles. High strung, especially those close bred pedigrees, standard poodles are the favorite training dog for owners of pit bulls, rottweilers, dobermans and shepherds. The poodles are put into training fights with the more vicious fighting dogs. The poodles are sacrificed to ensure that the fighting dogs maintain their thirst for the kill. As for the toys and miniatures, they are apparently taken to hide the fact that standards are the actual targets. The owners of the fighting dogs pay upwards of $300 apiece for these dogs. Under arrest, one man said they never see the smaller dogs. They assume they are disposed of somehow.
....Investigators say that what few poodles they do find have been mistreated and are trained to become vicious themselves to provide sport against the fighting dogs. These recovered dogs cannot be deprogrammed to be returned to the former owners. As a result, these animals are put to sleep.
....In the meantime, by the time the dogs have disappeared from the homes, yards and streets it usually too late. It is several days to weeks before these disappearances are sorted out and separated from all the reports of missing dogs. Resources of the many small towns as well as some cities are stretched too thin to be used to monitor missing pets. The dog-nappers keep a low profile by hitting different areas in different states in attempt to avoid setting patterns. One investigator compared the operation to that of the drug trade. He said some of these dogs are in fact taken by wolves, but most are abducted by "wolves in sheep clothing."

(I for one, found this article disturbing. I had once read of this, but I had no idea that it was so well organized and on such a large scale. I suppose because of on-going investigations and trials pending, that is why very little facts, if known, were included in the article. It was at the bottom of p.32 next to ads, probably inserted as a filler. I tried a little internet searching, but didn't find much of anything.)

No.251